Foolery

Paging Dr. Lipschitz . . .

Got this message yesterday:

"I have a Chicken Poop delivery for you.
Don’t argue. Just give me
your chicken coop shipping address
and no one gets hurt."

How could I argue with that? Of course, by the time I checked my messages I was already late for the Chicken Poop Assasin's delivery schedule, so I got this second message:

"What?!?
The cat’s got your tongue you say?
Cough it up Sister."

I obeyed. You don't mess with someone who claims to have chicken poop and knows how to use it.

When I got home from Yet Another Longest Work Week Of My Life my children were excitedly directing me to the mysterious box on the counter.



Which, of course, they had already opened.

Inside was a note, addressed ATTN: CHIEF HENHOUSEKEEPER & HER FLOCK:

"Sage advice:
Grandpa says,
'If ya got dry lips,
put chicken poop on 'em
so you won't lick 'em!"

And the there was this:



The note continued,

"That's why those displays
are called IMPULSE DISPLAYS.
I know it. You know it.
Everybody knows it -- IT WORKS.
And I love it."

The culprit was, of course, Chicken Fran, one of the funniest, most creative people I know. Here she is at Prom:



A huge thank you to Franny Lipschitz for the big laugh and the chapped lip medicine. You may expect a delivery from the Cow Pie Bakery soon.

All the Snooze That's Fit to Print

500 Channels and Nothing to Watch

The winter television mid-season is here, and already the replacement shows are being canceled. This spin-off was canned before it even started, although the pilot was awesome -- little Mahmoud is the victim of bullying at his school imprisons everyone in his treehouse in revenge.


Back to reruns, *sigh*.

Too Late, Teddy Learns the Meaning of "Wanna Go For a Ride, Kitty?"

PHOTO: SPARKY

It's Friday and I Got Nuthin'

This is what happens when you type in "sledge hammer" at Wikimedia Commons. I swear this sculpture is called "Hammerschwinger," which is my new favorite name for a child. Hello, Gwynneth Paltrow? Yeah, I have a great name for your next son. Or daughter.

I love Wikimedia Commons. 

Mollusk of America

I know what you're thinking, but no.



This is a geoduck clam, the official mascot of Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington. Cousin Steve, who is a professor there, brought each of the girls one of these cuddly little guys. I'm guessing you can imagine the level of sophistication our conversation reached during Happy Hour, when these came out of Steve's suitcase.

Here is a real geoduck clam, in case you're ever actually tempted to eat one:


(Photo stolen from these guys)

Oh, and by the way? The school motto of Evergreen State College is Omnia Extares, or "let it all hang out."

Do You Suppose His Feet Swivel, Too?

Is it just me, or does John Travolta look more like G.I. Joe every year?



(Travolta photo stolen from these guys; G.I. Joe photos stolen from ebay.com)

With or without his beard.



(Travolta photo stolen from these guys) 

Bow Chicka Bow-Wow

If you only knew how long I've been trying to get this shot.

I live a small, insular life.

The Short End of the Shtick

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

"Guess who turned 60 this week?" I quizzed Chas. "Bob Costas."

"Huh," said Chas. "He's now eligible for a senior discount at carnivals, but he's still too short to ride many of the rides."

Ba dump-bump.

The Ever-Changing Map of the Arab World

(Original map stolen from these guys) 

Nice Hooves

I just had to get in on the Angelina Jolie leg photobombing phenomenon.

(Original clydesdale photo by shannonlundphotography.blogspot.com, leg photo by AP Photos.)

You Should've Seen My Trousseau

Some of my favorite creations have their origins in conversations. I mocked up this shirt after a good laugh with my sister last weekend. She made this quip not realizing how close to reality it is around Fooleryland.

Our dad takes a unique approach in life, usually, especially where his daughters are concerned. Dad didn't offer anyone livestock on my behalf, at least not that I know of. Either that or he needed to sweeten the deal with a donkey.

And One More Thing...Apple Introduces iCycle

CUPERTINO, Calif. (FP) — Apple today rolled out its latest product in a bold attempt to prove that it can stay on the cutting edge of design and innovation.

The assembled audience at Apple Headquarters gave Apple's iCycle a thunderous ovation for about ten seconds before mass texting ensued.

Both the MacBike and the MacBike Pro have a built-in 16GB or 32GB iPod Touch, and are fully rechargeable by human pedal power. The MacBike Pro also has Siri personal assistant installed, for directions, for remembering which Starbucks your exes frequent, and much more.



New Apple CEO Tim Cook seemed excited by his company's latest foray into uncharted territory as the iCycles were unveiled at Apple Headquarters Friday morning. The iCycle will roll off assembly lines for sale on November 11th.


(Original photo stolen from this site)

According to industry insiders, Apple's rival Microsoft is also poised to introduce a line of cycles sometime early next year, although specifics haven't been leaked. Microsoft is being characteristically silent on the subject.


(Original photo stolen from this guy)

Rumors of MacBike Air have already begun to circulate in Silicon Valley, although the Federal Aviation Administration has firmly denied that air space will be authorized for iCycle commuter traffic.




(All electric bicycle photos stolen from the brilliant designer Yuji Fujimura, whom I hope appreciates a good parody as much as I appreciate great design. Please visit his site to see his other gorgeous concepts.) 

Overheard at the PTO Meeting

(Original map stolen from these guys)

4th Grader:  "Alaska's over by Canada. Near Canada."

2nd Grader: "Where the hippos live."

I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the hippos from her house?

The Dark Side of Canada

The extraordinarily cruel side of the curling world was revealed this week. Lap giraffes are shy, gentle creatures who are largely unaccustomed to ice rinks. For shame, Canada, for shame!

What Do You Call That, Exactly?

So Al Pacino has been letting Vivienne Westwood do his hair, I see.


(Photo of Al Pacino stolen from these guys; photo of Vivienne Westwood stolen from this site)  

Just Look at That Shine!

(Photo stolen from Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

Relax, ladies, Brian Wilson only PRETENDS to be a relief pitcher for the San Francisco Giants. In reality he's Rabbi Garçon Studbuckle, Divemaster, at your service. You're welcome.

Horn Section

I had a rare lunch with my old friend Lance a few weeks ago, and took a couple of photos. As soon as I had clicked the first shot, taking care not to make it look like that large fountain was sprouting from his head, I realized that a pointy tree* behind Lance was probably sticking up above his head like a horn. So I quickly shifted in my seat and snapped another shot, sure that I had avoided the single horn look.

Um, new problem.

Sorry Lance. Thanks for having lunch with me. Next time I'll PhotoShop you, but for now? It's comedy.

*Pointy Tree is the Latin name for it. It is so.

Dr. Drew, We Can't Be Buds

 A series of e-mails between Gubby and me the other day . . .

Gubby:
You have a birthday coming up. http://yfrog.com/gzuzagcj

When I clicked the link I saw Dr. Drew Pinsky in some functional office setting with poor lighting for photography. (Shared on Twitter by @TheWolfeCNN) Or was it Dr. Drew? No, it was a cardboard cut-out -- a stand-up -- of Dr. Drew!  Just what I always wanted.

foolery:
Ha ha -- do you think the beagles would go crazy? Do you think Chas would mind? Do you think Chas would NOTICE?*

Gubby:
Sounds like a blog post....Cut-out Dr. Drew can't play golf....Chas would be disappointed -- at least once he noticed.

foolery:
BUT
Cut-Out Dr. Drew isn't a blabbermouth.
Cut-Out Dr. Drew doesn't drink all the beer.
Cut-Out Dr. Drew doesn't fight for control of the 'mote.
Cut-Out Dr. Drew makes the wife dress better and actually wear some make-up around the house.
And Cut-Out Dr. Drew will never outperform you on the golf course.

Gubby:
BLOG POST!!!

foolery:

I'm on it.

Except that I didn't like Cut-Out Dr. Drew from the photo Gubby sent; I wanted my OWN Dr. Drew stand-up, so I made one. At least, a miniature one.



And now Dr. Drew can hang out with me in Fooleryland.

Wait -- Dr. Drew will let me drink cheap red wine, right?

Right?



Crap.

Sorry, Dr. Drew. We can't be buds.


*All the Chas teasing is a standing joke around Fooleryland, and one that goes both ways. Don't you worry -- all is well in Fooleryland.

Brother Bocci For the Win -- D'OH!

Got this e-mail from my brother Mantel Man the other day, complete with this photo:


"On our Grand Canyon hike, my friend Jessica and I found this sign rather amusing. I guess the Park Service had to cover its posterior. Given the fact that just a few days later a young man drove his car off the edge of the South Rim, can you blame them?"

Knowing Mantel Man, I'm certain he had just done what the warning sign expressly warned them NOT TO DO. The heat may have gone to their heads, because this was the next photo:


Then I, of course, asked his permission to post the photos.

Mantel Man:

"You want to post these? I guess I don't mind, as long as you're not planning something humiliating.  Oh, wait -- you're my sister."

Then came the belated e-mail from Brother Bocci:

"I'm more concerned that someone tucks in his shirt while hiking!"

Blindsided by Brother Bocci again.