Foolery

It's Oscar Sunday -- Do You Know Where Your Bronzer Is?

(Original photo stolen from these guys) 


On Oscar Weekend, America runs dangerously low on bronzer.

(Original photo stolen from these guys) 


If you haven't bought your bronzer yet, YOU'RE TOO LATE! The bronzer aisles from CVS to Sephora are empty. E-M-P-T-Y.

(Original photo stolen from these guys) 


It's like the days before a big blizzard: the hoarders have all the milk, eggs, toilet paper and bronzer and they ain't sharin'.

(Original photo stolen from these guys)            

You'll just have to be pale.       

Battle Chip

(Photo stolen from these guys)

I'm so excited to share this. I wish I could say I had anything to do with it, but not a thing. It's a TV commercial for Doritos that my friend Robb Ross and his son Cody made, after work and on weekends (the idea was Cody's). It's their entry into the Doritos "Crash the Super Bowl" contest (make a Doritos TV commercial for a chance to win $25,000). I think they have an excellent chance.

Here's the link, but you'll probably still have to type the video name into the search bar at the bottom of the page.

     CLICK HERE   

    Name of the video: Battle Chip

Cross your fingers that their video is selected as a finalist. If it is, I'ma gonna ask you to VOTE!

I Give 'Em 2 1/2 Weeks

(Original photo stolen from these guys) 

Zoinks!

How many hours did YOU spend with the gang from "Scooby Doo Where Are You!" back your misspent youth? Don't try to fool me because I can get to you through your mothers.

Once upon a time we all knew everything about Fred, Daphne, Shaggy, Velma and Scooby Doo, who together comprised the teenagers known by criminals everywhere as You Meddling Kids. We picked up from Shaggy the bad habit of frequently and unnecessarily inserting the word "like" into our speech. Our mothers rolled their collective eyes when we asked for Scooby Snacks (and later they just prayed our the munchies weren't caused by activities less savory than watching Hanna-Barbera cartoons). But mostly our Moms were worried we wouldn't pick up Fred's ascot fetish.

Ever wonder what You Meddling Kids are up to these days? You might be surprised.

Scooby Doo is over 320 years old in dog years.

(Photo stolen from this site)

Shaggy gave up crime-fighting for the music industry and is living his life as a Jamaican-American reggae and rap performer.

 

Velma got tired of being the plain Jane of the group. With a little help from contact lenses, pilates and a whole lotta silicon, she's not just "the smart one" anymore. Jinkies.

 

Poor, sweet Daphne. She peaked in her teens and life has been rather dull since then. She lives with 6 cats and a roommate who padlocks her room when she's out. Danger-Prone Daphne is now Edema-Prone Daphne.

Fred changed his name and went into show business. No one knows who he is now, but we hear he's big in Germany.

(Photo stolen from these guys)

Foolery Goes to the Opera and Learns Not One Word of Russian

I went to the opera Saturday.

No, not actually at The Metropolitan Opera in New York City -- even better: at a comfy local theater in comfy clothes for twenty bucks and no cab fare or high heels or any of that.

It was great.

But it was unexpected, so I was totally unprepared: I didn't know a thing about Modest Mussorgsky's only opera, one of the world's most challenging operas to stage. The opera was Boris Godunov.


(Photo of Boris Badenov stolen from this guy)

No no no, not that guy -- although I'll be the first to admit I had thoughts of moose and squerrrrrel running through my head the whole time -- no, Boris Godunov. 
What, you haven't heard of it? Well, I'll tell you about it.

It ran over four hours. I hardly noticed that time had passed.

The titular role was portrayed by the great German bass René Pape (one of the few lead performers who had to learn Russian for this opera, since most of the other singers' names ended in -enko or -ov). He is my new secret boyfriend.


(Poster stolen from these guys)

Boris played pretty hard to get about being the new tsar back at the turn of the 17th century, but after a lot of shouting, begging, and threatening, he finally caved. "All right, all right, I'll be the tsar and live in that big ol' palace and wear this fine bear skin robe," he said. At least, I think that's what he said. I don't speak Russian or German.

Turns out the reason he didn't want to be the tsar was because he had played some dirty tricks to get nominated -- like killing a child -- and now he was having a bummer day over it. A few other people were having a bummer day over it, too, like The World's Oldest 35-Year-Old-17-Year-Old, Grigoriy (alias the heir to the throne Tsarevich Dmitriy, and "The Pretender," but that will just confuse you so try to forget it). Grigoriy has convinced himself he was really Tsar Ivan the Terrible's son and somehow repressed the memory, I guess, although how you could repress a name like Dmitriy Terrible is just beyond me. So he was pretty much faking that he was the murdered child and started that whole "secretly a murdered royal" trend in Russia.


(Photo of Semenchuk and Antonenko stolen from these guys)

Grigoriy The Faker sneaks off to Lithuania and Poland to stir up trouble and find some rabble-rousers. He takes up with Princess Marina, who is actually one of The Judds, I think.


(Photo of The Judds stolen from these guys)

Grigoriy The Faker convinces Princess Judd that he's the legitimate heir to the Russian throne and that she will be the Tsarina when they get back to Moscow. Princess Judd just fell for the second-oldest pick-up line in the book, right after "is it hot in here or is it just you?"

We meet two crazy people in this story in Act I, and there are three or more brutal murders in Act IV. Serious, devastating stuff, right? But Act III totally confused me -- I'm pretty sure the feed was switched at the start of Act III and we were picking up some old "Falcon Crest" or "Dallas" re-runs, because it was all kissy-kissy declarations of love and lust and whaaaaa? Sexy flirting in Poland while there's blood and crazy in the Kremlin? What was THAT all about? But Act IV got right back to blood and crazy in a big way. Those Russians know a good epic tragedy when they write one.

Speaking of blood and crazy -- meanwhile, back at the Kremlin, Tsar Boris is several blini short of a пикник and his cool rock-and-roll hair is starting to look kind of Kathleen Turner on him.


(Photo of Kathleen Turner stolen from this site)

Tsar Boris is as nutty as a fruitcake, he sees dead people everywhere he looks, and he's not long for this world.

(Original photo of René Pape stolen from these guys)

I'll stop here, without even elaborating about the marvelous singing -- three basses in one opera? WOW -- the spare but effective set design, the 600 costumes, Princess Judd necking with a priest, two live horses on the stage, the man in the tin foil hat, and the fact that Grigoriy looked just like My Gay Ex-Boyfriend. You can't make this stuff up, people. I could go on and ruin the story for you, but I won't. Click a link to read more, and be as surprised as I was to learn that not only was the brilliant story originally written by Alexander Pushkin, but it's also true. Darn those Russians, they have all the best stories.

Please try to attend one of The Metropolitan Opera's HD simulcasts at your local theater this year. (I'm planning to see two or three more.) I promise you won't regret it.

I'll Pick You Up at 8:00 in My Big Red Car

It's been a long time since I watched kids' TV with my girls, but as I remember it, one of The Wiggles was pretty hot.

(Photo stolen from these guys)

You can't necessarily trust my memory, or my taste.

I don't know which, if any, of The Wiggles might be single, but I'll bet dating would be a problem for them. Imagine bringing one of them home to meet your parents . . .

           DAD: Nice to meet you, Murray. What do you do?

           MURRAY: I'm a Wiggle.

Silence. Or this . . .

           MOM, AT DINNER: Jeff, would you like some more

           creamed onions? Jeff? Uh, Jeff?

           YOU: It's okay, Mom -- I got this.
           [TO JEFF]
           WAKE UP, JEFF!!!!


(Photo stolen from this site)

But worst of all would be going out in public. At a restaurant . . .

           YOU: I'm not too hungry. I think I'll just have the 

          fruit salad . . . oh GAHHH, no DON'T SING! PLEASE!

Or at a club.

           ANTHONY: I feel like dancing!

           YOU: Oh please, don't point your fingers and do the twist,

           PLEASE --

Yes, clearly I've spent a great amount of time thinking about this. Next up: WORLD PEACE.


(Original photo stolen from this site) 

ZEESS EEZ VERRE SEELY . . .

Please watch this short film. It's part of our American cultural heritage, after all. You really should try to better yourself.

(Many thanks to my brother Mantel Man for sending me this)

No-Punctuation Wednesday on Post-Oscar Monday

IT'S

another (mostly) No Punctuation Wednesday this time on a Monday and you don't mind do you

of course you don't because you tried
as I tried
to watch the Oscars last night only to be pulled away by children or dinner or pets or the police at the door or bellybutton lint or all kinds of things that could conceivably distract a person from The Biggest Night Of Television Spectacleness This Side Of Wall Street Week In Review.

Period.

But for some reason this year I did want to watch
sort of like last year when I did want to watch
so I even set the DVR knowing in advance how those pesky children and dinner and pets and police at the door and bellybutton lint could perhaps change my plans

SO

I relaxed with a glass of wine and a slingshot and settled in to watch the debutantes ball (a phrase which improves without punctuation)

 
(Original photo stolen from these guys)

blah blah blah I really laughed hard at Steve Martin recalling how he was born a poor black child and saying that this audience was the Motherlode for Jew Hunters* but YEEEEESH was the audience drunk or too busy adjusting their wetsuits or too afraid to laugh or just born without senses of humor because I thought the silence was deafening and I even heard sort of booing and WHO BOOS STEVE MARTIN YOU YAHOOS? (insert lots and lots of punctuation here)

 
(Original photo stolen from these guys)

and my favorite part of the whole evening is one of which
try as I might
I cannot find a photo ANYWHERE on the Internutz
and I am really bummed because I so wanted to share with you
the image of a wall of lampshades behind Quentin Tarantino and Pedro Almodovar
and here is an almost photo of that
but so sorry it is barely discernible

 
(Original photo stolen from these guys)

and how weird is that that my favorite part of the evening was brought to me courtesy of the brilliant set designer architect David Rockwell
insert question mark HERE

It's weird
I know
but if my DVR hadn't turned itself off
TWICE
during the show
say it with me
TWICE
during the show
so that I missed a whole fracking lot of it
including all the important stuff she says with tongue firmly embedded in cheek

then

I might have had another favorite moment to share with you
other than the fabulous lamp wall
okey dokie it is now time to finish something sane and useful
so I leave you to your post-Oscar musings

and as always

THANK YOU for reading
with or without punctuation

  


*that is not as horrifying as it sounds when you know that he was referring to the movie Inglorious Basterds and that is not spelled wrong either and maybe I should just quit now

Cutting-Edge Television? Hair-Raising Drama?

TNT has a series starring Holly Hunter, which I've never seen. The show is called "Saving Grace."

 


From the show's web site we learn this:

Academy Award® winner Holly Hunter stars as gutsy Oklahoma City Police Det. Grace Hanadarko, a woman who holds nothing back, whether on the job or in her personal life.

 

(All photos stolen from TNT's "Saving Grace" web site)

I know nothing about this show, except that I've heard it's pretty good. And Holly Hunter is cute as a bug's ear, as always. There's just one problem.

If you've ever heard Holly Hunter talk, you know that the title of the show is problematic for her. She probably has a clause in her contract that forbids her to utter the name of the show, which would be

 


if she said it aloud. And that would be a whole other show.

The Bronson Maneuver by Mike McCain

Because it's fantastic. Enjoy. And be sure to watch the behind-the-scenes stuff!

The Bronson Maneuver from Mike McCain on Vimeo.

Glee

Because I loved this. From http://www.dailyfilm.tv -- we're on their e-mail list.

And beautiful things still come from 35mm film.

A New Bob the Drip -- Er, DROP -- Ad

Still working on my Gaia Hotel story. Because it's after midnight and I'm stupid in a stupor, let me share with you the latest animated TV commercial for our client Mt. Shasta Spring Water.

Each spring my very talented coworker Robb creates one computer-generated animated spot starring Mt. Shasta Spring Water's mascot, or spokesdrop, Bob. This year's spot is called "Bob Rocks," and I'm happy to say I got to do the voiceover for the girl drop. No, that isn't me singing, and No, my speaking voice doesn't sound like that -- it's been pitched up two whole notches to sound more Munchkin-like.




Cool, huh? I love working with Robb on these. In the past I have written the script, but this year it was more free-form. Robb and I bounced ideas off of each other and tweaked the "story" until it became what you see here. Lots of fun for me to be a part of it all, but the talent is all Robb.

And should you need any animation, e-mail me!

Manny the Uncanny: the American Ballet Theater

It's county fair weekend! And as such I'm distracted and I've got nothin' important to share. Yes, I know this is nothing new. But I found this clip to share with you, and maybe I'll do it fairly often, now that I know that YouTube has Manny the Uncanny.

Back when I was reasonably young, certainly dumb, and unencumbered by either husband or children, I used to watch Saturday morning cartoons. I told myself I was looking for Looney Tunes, but once I found CBS's "One Saturday Morning," it didn't matter; I was home.

Oh sure, the cartoons were fun. But the real attraction was the wacky host in the oversized plaid upholstery fabric suit, Manny the Uncanny. "Where're we going today, Mr. Lighter-Than-Air?"

"Well Manny, some place wonderful."

And it always was. Except when it wasn't, like when Manny "took" us to visit a sewage treatment plant (a treat I shall save for another day, because it's That. Funny.).

The guy was like an eastern European Borat with an indeterminate Yiddish accent and -- well, see for yourself. "It's true!"




p.s. Once I met Chas I introduced him to Manny, and we have been quoting Manny for nearly fifteen glorious years. That's how I knew CHAS WAS THE ONE. And also, we're both morons.

Crime Dramas a la Foolery

I found myself mindlessly surfing the TV last night, which I don't do a lot these days. Most of the time I'm much happier mindlessly surfing the internet, but since I still felt pretty lousy I wasn't able to concentrate enough for the computer, so there I sat in front of the TV.  I watched CNN for a while, then found something with Tony Shalhoub. I really like Tony Shalhoub, and the TV info thingy showed a movie name I'd ever heard of.  Good, at least it wasn't "Monk." I've never understood how "Monk" survives. The writing is ham-fisted, the guest actors are over-the-top, and the only thing interesting is . . . Tony Shalhoub.  I like Tony Shalhoub.

Uh-oh, the guide was wrong . . . it WAS "Monk." Sigh. Well, I had nothing better to do, and wasn't sleepy yet, so I watched it to see if my opinions were completely baseless, and . . . nope. Spot on.  Hello, 1988? Are you missing a TV show, maybe one that escaped from "Murder, She Wrote" or "Matlock" or that one with Dick Van Dyke? Because I think I found it, and it has imprisoned Tony Shalhoub. Poor Tony Shalhoub. I like Tony Shalhoub.

Is it just me, or are even the well-written, well-acted crime dramas so formulaic that it becomes funny?  I used to love "Law & Order" until I caught on to the formula.

The show opens with a crime scene. One or two of the detectives are on-scene, and they always say something pithy and oh-so-clever, like "That's the last trick SHE'LL ever turn," or "I guess the postman isn't the ONLY one who rings twice," or "Looks like 'death by Bunga-Bunga' isn't just a punchline." Then you have plenty of time to groan and go for a beer because there's a commercial break.

What happens next isn't terribly important, except that Rogue Cop and/or Rogue Prosecutor will Take A Stand, Dammit, even though everyone thinks he/she is bonkers (which is a legal term). At some point there will be a cops-and-lawyers meeting of the minds in a dingy, poorly-lit room full of the ensemble cast. This is the point at which the director sees his name in lights. "Think Broadway play, people! Don't sit still when you talk -- get up and walk to the other side of the room for no apparent reason when you deliver your line! Motion! Angles! I need more ACTION!" And they do, each cast member delivering a sour, world-weary, condescending line or phrase, his/her thought completed by the next terribly jaded cop or lawyer crossing the stage at a jaunty angle at precisely the right moment.

You might call it scene structuring or something, I don't know. Blocking? Whatever. Seems like hyper-choreography to me -- "JAZZ HANDZZZZZ!"

(Photo stolen from this guy)

While everything doesn't always wrap up neat and tidy, you definitely get at least one moral shoved down your throat. Probably more if everything didn't wrap up all neat and tidy.  To close, another pithy observation from one of the team members: "Guess she'll be sleepin' single in a double bed from now on," or "let's see how prison looks on him."

But what do I know? I'm a computer geek these days.  Doink doink.

Tweeting the Oscars with Foolery

Guess what I did tonight instead of writing?  Yup, I actually watched the whole Oscar ceremony.  Crazy, I know.  And as I watched, I made ridiculous comments on Twitter. So this is as close to writing as I got, big smart aleck.


There seems to be two choices for Oscar hair: messy or Hair Helmet. I've got messy down pat, myself.



(Photo by REUTERS/Jason Reed)

Sophia Loren looks like Endora from Bewitched.


(Photo by REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni)

@IDoThings Wassup? I can't believe I'm watching the red carpet stuff. Surrendering brain cells as a punishment.

@IDoThings Excellent. Got 'ny guacamole? Ya gotta eat guacamole when ya watch skinny bitches.

@IDoThings I've got a 75-pound lasagna in the oven, will that do? TAKE THAT, SKINNY BITCHES!

@IDoThings My husband is watching "The Mask II" with the kids to avoid the Oscars. Do you know how BAD that movie is? He REALLY hates Oscar.

@ijefff just said that Valentino has a washboard forehead, but would he Twitter it for y'all? Nooooooo. So I am.

Anybody hear the Slumdog kids interviewed by CNN reporter? The oldest said his favorite thing about flying to America...
...was all the free champagne on the flight. Hear that? Someone just got fired.

@IDoThings I'd take the long way to the bar just to trample Angelina or Miley on the way. Now THAT'S sacrificing.

This is what I hate about the Oscars, right here.

How drunk would I need to be to laugh at the musical numbers? #oscars

#oscars Puppets would have been an improvement.

#oscars Look! It's Barbie and Ken! Or, Kengelina.



(Photo stolen from Yahoo! images)

#oscar I think Tilda Swinton appears terrified of contrast.


(Photo by REUTERS/Jason Reed)

#oscars Tilda Swinton needs to pick up Quaker Oatmeal as a corporate sponsor.

#oscars WHERE IS THE MUSIC AND THE GIANT SHEPHERD'S CROOK WHEN WE NEED IT?!

#oscars Is it just me, or does Jennifer Anniston look pissed?

#oscars Is "Spielzeug" really the word for TOY in German? What a fun, fun language.

#oscars OK, I was wrong -- THIS is what I hate about the Oscars.

#oscars HA! Baz Luhrman outed for creating that ACK-WHEEZE-COUGH-GAG-ACK-ACK-ACK song and dance monstrosity.

ha ha ha ha ha R/T @ijefff did that guy buy that tie at a gas station? #oscars


(Photo by REUTERS/Gary Hershorn)

Does Phillip Seymour Hoffman think that's a good look? Maybe he too is channeling Joaquin Phoenix. #oscars

Still working on Hoffman #oscars -- Yarmulke gone really really wrong?

#oscars Zee shortest speech een Oscair eestory eez not zat short.

#oscars "Stay tuned for Will Smith. The biggest a-a-a-a---" well, my mind didn't hear the word "action" coming, did yours?

#oscars WHEW! Thank heavens for commercials. This live tweeting is thirsty work. #gettingmydrinkon

#oscars Sparky asked who were the couple getting married onstage. Whaa? One of the Star Wranglers is in a white gown.

#oscars The third "Slumdog" guy looks like he wants to grab the mic away from his colleague.

#oscars People who should be givens, and therefore exempt, from Oscar thank-yous: spouse, parents, God, Steven Spielberg.

#oscars I love the live orchestra on stage for the music segment. Anything to keep the jazz hands away.

#oscars It's an all-slum Oscars.

#oscars Oh crap, singing and dancing. Better not be any #&%*ing jazz hands.

#oscars If Peter Gabriel didn't do his song, John Legend was a good second choice.

#oscars Hugh Jackman looks like Clint Eastwood. So tonight hasn't been a total loss

#oscars "I'm berri berri happi." LOVE THAT GUY!

#oscars Queen Latifah wins for Best Performance at the 2009 Oscars. Total elegance.


(Photo by REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni)

#oscars Oh, I thought she just said "elevating CRAP to the level of art." I was gonna tell her DUHHH.

#oscars Kate Winslet: absolutely lovely, and hair done by LEGO.


(Photo by REUTERS/Gary Hershorn)

#oscars Ladies and gentlemen, appearing tonight as Jesus, Adrian Brody!

#oscars Robert de Niro has the best line of the night.

#oscars Camera is a little too close to Mickey Rourke for comfort. Plus, he has a vampire behind him.

#oscars Is it me, or did all of the speeches to Best Actor Noms sound like "sorry, you're not gonna win, but whatta guy!"

#Barbarawalters: "...for his wwwrenching performance as a wwwrestler." Wwwwreally?

@ADramaticMommy All silly, all the time. ; )

I'm Ready For My Close-Up!

Here's a new TV ad, just created this month by the ad agency I work for, for you to watch.  I won't tell you what it's about, only that it's rated G and very sweet.

Like that one?  How could you not, with such an ANGEL CHILD STAR!

No, not that one -- she's my cousin Shelley.  The other one, with the round face.

No, not that one -- that's my dad.  You're not very good at this game, are you?  The one with the pixie haircut and the Mrs. Beasley doll!  That's me!  Or, it was in 1967.  The pretty lady in red is my mom, and my Aunt Ann and my father's parents were there, too.  I miss them.  But not my parents and my cousin, they haven't gone anywhere!  Are you drinking?

Can I join you?

Here's the next one:



There I am again!  Any of you rolling around on the floor in the fetal position yet?

I did a lot of jumping at the age of four, boing boing boing.  I know what you're thinking: it was 1969 -- nobody really looked that wholesome and sober in 1969, did they?  Well, the LaGrones did.

These ads are part of a series done for a Chico business, Brusie Funeral Home, for which we have used old home movies, in all of their scratchy, blurry glory.  The ads are easily among my favorites of all of our work (I say "our" as if I had anything to do with it).  We exhausted my boss's personal home movie collection, then that of the Brusie Family.  Now we're onto the LaGrone archives, and they don't know what they've gotten themselves into, do they?  Some viewer out there liked the Christmas spot, though, because she called the Brusie's business to ask for a copy of the ad.  Never had that happen before.

The second spot will air in January, so you are getting an advance release, so to speak.  Boing boing boing.

An Interview with Voiceover Artist Brian Fairlee

Most people have one friend from their childhood who blew the bell curve out of the water.  In my circle of high school friends this was no easy feat; most of my friends were artistic brainiacs all vying for the role of valedictorian at graduation.  (There is no easy explanation for my inclusion in such a group -- kindness?  Diversity?  My inability to take a hint?)

One of these friends, Brian Fairlee, stands out.  Not only did he do pretty much everything he did well, but he did it big, too.  Most of us were band geeks, but Brian was the drum major.  Most of us were creative, but Brian had been writing, filming, casting, voicing and editing his own movies since junior high, learning it by doing it.  If something interesting was happening, Brian was probably at the center of it.

It figured that he would have an interesting life after high school.  He went to USC and graduated from its prestigious film school.  He was a DJ for a campus radio station.  And he started a career in the entertainment business.

But Brian's career is not in front of the camera, and not exactly behind it, either: Brian is a voiceover specialist.

You have heard Brian and you didn't even know it – maybe even yesterday.  I hear his voice fairly often on television, because Brian's specialty is voicing commercials promoting upcoming movies and DVDs.  (Brian voiced a radio public service announcement for me this past spring, which I posted here.  I sent him the script and within about half an hour he sent me the audio track – no directing needed; he just nailed it the first time.  It's nice to work with a pro.)

I posed a list of questions to Brian, which he was kind enough to answer for me.

FOOLERY:  Can you describe, better than I can, what a voiceover artist does?

BRIAN:  Luckily for me, it isn't too hard to actually do voiceover once you're lucky enough to get the chance to do it. I always say that anyone who can read aloud, which we've all done since grade school, can essentially be a voiceover artist. You just need about a hundred other things to fall into place.

Basically, for each job, I'm handed a script, escorted into an isolated recording booth, asked if I want any water or anything at all, and when they tell me to, I read the "copy" [meaning script] into a microphone, and moments later the director or producer of the spot I've been hired to read repeatedly tells me why I'm reading it wrong.  The engineer records each "take" and I walk out feeling like I've pulled the wool over everyone.  Somehow after I leave, the words are edited into the spot and magically sent to TVs around the world.  I'm sure I've left out a few steps.  Maybe about a hundred.

FOOLERY:  How did you get into the voiceover business?

BRIAN:  Believe it or not, I was born certified 100% USDA Grade-A Ham.

The youngest of three kids, I was constantly trying to get attention.  Soon I was singing, acting, and basically  making noise constantly.  “Look At Me” was my motto.  I was always fond of talking into microphones, as is evident in a recording circa 1972 where I pretended to host "The Price Is Right" from my sickbed, playing Bob Barker, Johnny Olson, the contestants and the audience simultaneously.

Download PRICE_BFAIRLEE_6YRS

After I grew up and graduated college, I ended up working for an advertising agency that specialized in movie ads.  There I worked my way up through the ranks until I was cutting trailers and TV spots as an editor.  By the time I started editing spots, I had already been "scratching" other people's rough cuts for timing.  A "scratch" is the term used for a temporary voiceover (VO).  Of course I always read my own rough cuts because I knew exactly how I wanted them read and could re-read them as needed.  Once the spots would go to finish (for air or theatrical release) my voice would get replaced with a professional voice from the Screen Actor's Guild (SAG).  During that time, several people who heard my reads suggested I try to get an agent.  But I was too busy to look into it.

Years later, I finally got the opportunity to join SAG, acquire an agent, start reading for real and actually finish on spots.

FOOLERY:  Did you have special voice coaching, or did you learn by trial and error?

BRIAN:  I never took classes, though I was always told I should.  Rather, I preferred on-the-job training.  My "voice coaches" were the big stars of voiceover who would come in and read for our spots.  Don La Fontaine, Andy Gellar, Chuck Rielly, Mark Elliot, Philip Clark, John Leader, Ashton Smith, and so many others inadvertently taught me how to read for movie ads because I heard them every day, directed their sessions, and edited their reads into my own spots.

I have always considered myself a mimic, so basically the character I become when I read is an amalgam of all my favorite voiceover artists. Of course it varies based on the genre of the movie being marketed.  Believe it or not you can say "In a world" many different ways.

I believe that being an editor taught me how to read properly as well.  I've heard many times from other editors how my reads always seem to flow just right.  They tell me when they are asked to replace me with another VO, it often screws up the pace of the spot.  When it comes to movie copy, I guess I've told these "stories" so many times through narration and editing, that the "language" is second nature.  Like my website slogan says, "Same Old Words.  Brand New Voice."
 
FOOLERY:  What are some of the memorable voicing jobs you've done?

BRIAN:  I had to read for Disney-On-Ice several times and each time, the client wanted me to read the copy with more energy. By the end of the takes I was screaming the words.  They STILL wanted more energy.  I finally said, "If I read this with any more energy, I will turn inside out."

I was the voice on commercials for "Disney's Little Einsteins" DVDs for some time and went into a session where there were some little kids hanging out with their parents.  When they heard me reading, their eyes lit up in recognition.  "It's the Little Einsteins guy," one of them said as I left.  That was my rock star moment.

Another time, I was hired to read based on my sample reel.  After the first take, I heard the director sigh heavily.  This wasn't a good sign.  Later, she told my agent she didn't want to pay for the session because I didn't sound like me.  To this day, I'm not sure how that's even possible.

The most fun I recall having was reading for "MADtv" a couple of seasons ago.  I called myself the poor man's Don Pardo [a career Announcer Guy best known as the announcer for “Saturday Night Live”].  I read the cast names at the beginning and various bumpers for each commercial break.  Sometimes they would have me read VO for a sketch.  The best one was a "Dreamgirls" spoof.

I've also read on the road during vacations, which can be quite memorable.  I've read in Washington D.C., Orlando, and Mammoth.  These days, if you carry just a little bit of gear, you can read from virtually anywhere and email an audio file to your client.

FOOLERY:  Cranky customers cause headaches for retail clerks; hurricanes cause migraines for phone repair guys.  What stuff brings out the Excedrin in your line of work?

BRIAN:  Making me read over and over and over when the first couple of takes work fine is highly annoying, but because the pay is good, I'll read as long as it takes and feel pretty lucky to have the opportunity to do so.

FOOLERY:  Your job, working in the film and television business, probably sounds glamorous to most people.  What are the perks?

BRIAN:  Lots of free water.  Sometimes they pay for parking.  But seriously, some people are overly effusive about the "work,” which feels odd to me.  I still maintain that it's just reading.  Everyone who's been to school can do it.

Recently, I have established a relationship with a film director who sent me swag (promotional goodies from his movie) and invited me to the premiere.  That is highly out of the ordinary and lots of fun for me.

FOOLERY:  Are you taking your career in new directions?

BRIAN:  I'd love to be in control of my own destiny, but frankly, I take what opportunities come my way.  Right now, I am being utilized by Nickelodeon for movies that they are producing with Dreamworks like "Kung Fu Panda," "Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa," and "Hotel For Dogs."  My mother-in-law thinks there's a lot to be made in the on-hold telephone sector.  As goofy as I thought this was, I was actually tapped to do such a thing.  It happened to be for a production company and I was basically narrating TV show promos, but if you call (818) 728-7600 you can ask to be put on hold and hear the work I did for that.

But I am most happy reading movie commercials.  The pay scale is the best and the work is the least taxing.  As they say, "It's nice work if you can get it."   Unfortunately most of the time that's a big IF. That's why I still edit.  (Kept my day job.)

FOOLERY:  By the way, next time you ask me to be in one of your homegrown movies, would you please tell me ahead of time if YOU will be dubbing your voice in over mine?  I wouldn't dress so butch next time.  I swear I came off like John Lithgow.

BRIAN:  Ah yes, you did appear in the 1982 cult classic "Blood of E. Ville," didn't you?  And yes, I performed about 18 voices in that post production attempt at a soundtrack.  My friend Sam Shult and I had no sound recording capability while shooting, so we recreated everything "live" and recorded it to audio cassette while watching the edited movie.  It was a similar process to foley and ADR for feature films [Automated Dialogue Replacement, a form of dubbing], only pathetically executed and the results were staggeringly bad.  For some reason, I remember it wasn't possible to assemble the entire cast (scheduling, space, patience), so we did the next best thing which was to read all the parts ourselves while playing records and throwing things around the room to make sound effects.  Those were the days.

If you want to hear some of Brian's voiceover samples – there are plenty you'll recognize – visit his web site, brianfairlee.com.  Many thanks to my friend for taking the time to share his world with us.

Lord of the Manor

I'm working feverishly but still not done with a post for Friday, but probably later in the day.

I had to share this with you though: during the 11:00 news there was an ad for the Acorn Stairlift, a device that shuttles people up and down stairways so they don't have to move from their multi-story homes as they age.  Cool, huh?  Well, the ad featured a terrifically feisty old guy who screamed at the camera, "And I'm still the king of my own castle!"

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Go, rent some old Seinfeld DVDs this weekend.  You'll understand.

See you later,

Laurie

So Not Fun to Be Dr. Drew

"Hi, I'm Dr. Drew Pinsky from VH1's 'Celebrity Rehab,' and I --"

"Hey, you're Dr. Drew!  Aloha, Dr. Drew!"

"Aloha, Jeff.  Now, as I was saying, at 'Celebrity Rehab,' I see a lot of --"

"Duuuude, you're EVERYWHERE right now.  You must be totally tired, dude.  Wanna party with us?  All you need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and you'll be fine."

"Now, Jeff, have you been burning the ganga again?  Smoking a fatty?  Sparking up a doob?"

"Dr. Drew, I cannot tell a lie.  No.  But would you like some of this tasty pizza which I just happened to order?"

"Yeah, I'll have some pizza."

"And don't bogart the beer, Spicoli."

"Dude, I did NOT just say that!  That does NOT leave this room!"

"And that's why it would be NO FUN to be Dr. Drew Pinsky."

That's AMAYYYzing!

This is Huell Howser.  Or, as my daughter Sparky named him when she was four years old, Howell Hughser.

(Original photo stolen from s myrland on Flickr)

If you live in California and are a PBS junkie like my family, then you probably recognize Huell from his PBS program "California's Gold." Or perhaps you know him from one of his spin-off shows, "California's Green," "California's Water," "California's Golden Coast," "Road Trip," "California's Unwashed Hippies," and "California's Golden Parks."  Wait, what?

(Photo stolen from retro traveler on Flickr)

If you aren't familiar with Huell, let me introduce you. Huell takes people all over California on his weekly TV programs. He goes to the well-worn tourist attractions, he goes to the out-of-the-way treasures, and he goes to the REEEEALLY boring places your 3rd grade teacher wouldn't even venture to. Huell is charmed by everything, proclaiming almost everything -- from Yosemite to a recycling warehouse -- "aMAYYYzing!" in his trademark Gomer Pyle accent. Huell gets down and dirty with the people of California, providing personal therapy services when necessary.  He's not just a beloved entertainer, he's a beloved personality, dammit!

(Photo stolen from whalt on Flickr)

Many honors have been bestowed upon Huell over the years.  I can't think of any, however.

(Original photo stolen from mouriran on Flickr)

What? Huell Howser MISSING?  No no no, you silly! Huell is safe and on the job! That's not a milk carton -- that's a milk BOTTLE! I know; I thought they were a myth, too.

(Photo stolen from this site)

Here Huell partakes of some local flavor in Pasadena. Also, he's on some weird bike thing.

 
(Original photo stolen from these guys)

Yes, Huell Howser, or Howell Hughser -- whatever -- is an important part of our weekly viewing in the Foolery family.

(Original photo stolen from Huell himself)

We love you, Huell!