Foolery

A No Punctuation Wednesday on Election Tuesday

well hi again
foolery here
making friends
and very likely enemies
but all in the name of Capital P Patriotism
right
am I right

I must be right because you look wrong and I am not wrong
GAHHHHH knows I am not wrong
and I have voted
crow crow crow
and you look as if you maybe did not vote
because I dont see you broadcasting your choice on Facebook or Twitter which is where one does that
apparently
damn all those wrong people to Hell
as long as all of you know that I am right and now
wait a minute
what do you mean its over this early
holy cow the polls just closed on the west coast
WOO HOO
or
BOO HOO
according to which side you are on
which maybe is the problem
because I dont know which side Im on
I thought it was the side that favored civility and courtesy
circumspectitudinousness
the ability to be wrong without making everyone else pay and the ability to be right without being boorish
thats the side I thought I was on
thats the side I want to be on
because I know I basically flipped a coin to be part of the In Crowd

and it seems to me that we start the same way every four years
several good men and yes sometimes women who employ hundreds of people to scour lots of closets looking for skeletons and when they find some theyre all
Oh my heavens well we cant have that now can we who would have guessed
and if they find none they declare the candidate a robot or worse

and then its time for
THE ISSUES
and we all read up on
THE ISSUES
and we talk about
THE ISSUES
and we complain about how no one is talking about
THE ISSUES
and then when someone finally gets down to business talking about
THE ISSUES
on Meet the Press or The News Hour or Thom Hartmann or similar
we are all watching So You Think You Can Dance Like a Fifth Grade Pawn Star
and talking about Fantasy Football

and we devote so much time to deriding the candidates oh how bitterly we excoriate the two left standing
for their religion
for their wealth
for their wives
for too much business experience
for not enough business experience
for what their fathers did or didnt do
for their pronunciations their laughs their jeans their genes their alma maters their turnons and turnoffs their

well you get the picture

and meanwhile what are we doing where are we going who are we talking to and about what
Snooki and Paris Hilton ceded ground to Honey Boo Boo and some weird guy from Korea and most of you know exactly who I mean but we
collectively
have the gall to sneer at the intellects of the candidates
REALLY

I voted
I really did
although it was halfassed and soulless and I had to try to remember which one I picked because really
neither one has much of a chance at much progress when we are all so invested in proving them wrong
so it doesn't matter that I voted for Mitt Romney even though I voted for Obama last time and wasnt surprised or upset that he won tonight
nor was I surprised that all of you were at each others throats acting like asshats on the internet
preening and strutting
shaking fists and moving to Canada
why the hell Canada would want any of us obnoxious entitled selfimportant babies is beyond me
all that matters is that my TV consumption gets back to normal

Reprise: Here's a Problem You'd Forgotten About

I made this in 2009 but in light of the passing of Kim Jong Il over the weekend, I think a repeat is in order. I mean, out of respect, it's the least I can do.

 

With apologies to anyone and everyone who's ever seen, heard, loved, and even hated "The Sound of Music."

He dines on lobster every day
Lives large without a care
With starving people on the ground
And missiles in the air
And though he's dressed austerely
He has Elvis Presley hair
Aboard his private train around the country

He's really into movies
Such as "Rambo" and "Top Gun"
He kidnapped a director
So he'd have a pet for fun
I hate to have to say it
But I think his time is done
Kim Jong-Il's not an asset to the country

I'd like to say a word in his behalf
Kim Jong-Il makes me laugh

How do you solve a problem like Korea?
Where'll his nuclear cloud be coming down?
How do we side-step war with North Korea?
The flibbertijibbet! The will-o'-the wisp! The clown!

Many a starving soul would like to shell him
Many of us would opt to lend a hand
But how do you make him stay
For, "Go ahead -- make my day"
How do you train the cross hairs on this man?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Korea?
How 'bout we ship him to Afghanistan?

Know Your Lawmakers: Egypt Department

It's getting harder to figure out the major players in the Middle East, especially since they are changing, like, every hour. With that in mind I thought I could help. Subhi Saleh (SOO-bee sah-LAY) could be a significant person in Egyptian politics, so we should know who he is. From Wikipedia:

Subhi Saleh (born September 19, 1953) is an Egyptian lawyer and a prominent member of the Muslim Brotherhood. From 2005 to 2010, he represented the Alexandria district of Ramla in the Parliament of Egypt, belonging to the Muslim Brotherhood bloc. On April 2, 2003, he was arrested (along with other members of Alexandria's Muslim Brotherhood leadership). On February 15, 2011, he was appointed to the Egyptian constitutional review committee of 2011.^[1] He was jailed for three days during the events of the Egyptian Revolution of 2011.^[2]

^{Wikipedia had no available photo for Subhi Saleh, but with my superior internet fact-finding skills I have managed to locate three:}

(Photos stolen from these guys, these guys, and these guys)

I'm never confident of our English spelling of foreign names, however.

And We Lived Happily Ever After, The End

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

The Vote: Before And After

Before:



After:



There. That wasn't hard, now, was it?

Well yes, actually, it was. Pretty sure that flipping a coin would have sufficed. I left a lot of stuff blank when I just couldn't sort it all out. But I voted, mostly.

I did it for you, and my children. Not for me. I have a really, really hard time forming political opinions 90% of the time. Am I stupid? Probably. Am I a bad citizen? Perhaps. I watched and listened to debates, I read, I pondered. But I was no closer to having solid opinions than before I started.

I blame myself, and advertising. And spin. Mostly myself. But I am done for a few more months.

Does this EVER get easier?

How to Talk to The Great Hordes

Fed up with political campaign messages yet? I know I am.

Who are these politicians anyway, these people who are so grossly out of touch, and how did they get that way? (I know he's not running for office, but if I hear Arnold Schwarzenegger make a "Terminator" joke in a public address ONE MORE TIME I may start crank-calling his office. Seriously.)

There is a great need for someone to educate these plastic fantastic yahoos in the art of speaking (and how not to speak) to all of us little people out here in Unwashed Masses-ville. And, since no one was gonna pay me anyway, I'll give 'em five for free.

How to Talk to The Great Hordes

1. Limit the number of times you begin a sentence with, "The last time I was in the south of France . . ."

 
(Original photo stolen from Dana Kennedy, The New York Times)

2. Don't offer to kiss my baby -- offer to CHANGE my baby.

3. Don't pretend to know how it is out here in Voterland. Your kids went to private schools, you've never eaten at a Del Taco (much less worked in one), and you have people who make your phone calls, drive you around, clean your house, polish your shoes, select your suits, buy your groceries, cook your food, and backwash your swimming pool. Probably not all the same person, either. Summa them might have once worked at Del Taco.

 
(Photo stolen from these guys)

4. Please put away that old saw, "It's time for a change." Yes, I know our president ran on that platform a couple of years ago, and it was hackneyed then. It's just insulting now. The first politician who utters the word change should be handed that aforementioned baby with a stinky diaper. The second politician who says change should be thrown to the floor and swaddled on the spot.

 

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

5. Understand that we already think you're cheating on your spouse, as hard as it is to imagine who would sign up for the job of  your courtesan. So when it's time to 'fess up before the cameras, just throw your hands out and say, "Yep. You know. See ya." It saves so much time.

 
(Original photo stolen from these guys)

This is why I can never run for political office: I know too much.*

Best of luck to all the candidates, and check under your car door handles for Vaseline. I've been cranky lately.


*That's not why I can never run for political office.

Dear Sarah Palin,

Congratulations upon the release of your new best-selling book, Going Rogue: An American Life!

 
  


(Original photo stolen from these guys)

I wish to share something with you, however, and I wanted to do it privately, because . . . you know . . . the biased media and all.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines rogue in the following ways:

1 : vagrant, tramp
2 : a dishonest or worthless person : scoundrel
3 : a mischievous person : scamp
4 : a horse inclined to shirk or misbehave
5 : an individual exhibiting a chance and usually inferior biological variation

I can only guess your meaning of "rogue" here, but I'm sure those meanies in the media will have a field day with this. So what I'd like to ask is,

How do you like your oats?

 


(Photo stolen from Rachel C at Wikimedia Commons)

In Service To My Country,

Laurie LaGrone
Foolery

Keith Olbermann Is a Sneering, Unprofessional Name-Caller and Here's Why

I'm venturing into rare territory here at Foolery today: politics. And right-wing conservative positions. But it's not what you're thinking, probably, especially if you're thinking about cookies, which I am as I furiously type this bitter, bitter post.

First, a bit of ugliness (relevant copy starts at 2:32):

And now, what the above smug, bitchy rant references:

Dear George, It's Been Fun

There's a sad sort of clanking
From the clock in the hall
And the bells in the steeple too.
And up in the nursery an absurd little bird
Is popping up to say cukoo!
Cukoo! Cukoo!
Regretfully they tell us

But firmly they compel us
To say goodbye to you.

So long
Farewell
Aufwiedersehn
Goodnight
I hate to go and leave this pretty sight

So long
Farewell
Aufwiedersehn
Adeiu
Adeiu Adeiu
To yieu and yieu and yieu

So long
Farewell
Au 'voire
Aufwiedersehn
I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne

So long
Farewell
Aufwiedersehn
Goodbye
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye

Goodbye!

I'm glad to go I cannot tell a lie
I flit I float
I fleetly flee I fly

The sun has gone to bed and so must I
So long Farewell
Aufwiedersehn
Goodbye--

Goodbye...
Goodbye...
Goodbye...
Goodbye...

It's An Honor Just To Be Nominated, Really

I read the other day that President-elect Obama was going to appoint a "Car Czar."

Really?  Do we need this?

Hmmm.  We do?  Okay, well then in the interest of fair play, equal time and making myself look like I have sort of a clue about civics, here is a short list of nominees I'd like to see for some new cabinet positions.

Scar Czar: Jocelyn Wildenstein


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Carb Czar: Morgan Spurlock


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Crap Czar: Billy Mays


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Czoo Czar:  Jeff Corwin


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Carp Czar:  Steven Tyler

(Photo stolen from these guys)


Snarl Czar:  Dick Cheney


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Style Czar:  Tyra Banks


(Photo stolen from this site)


Shoe Czar:  Sarah Jessica Parker


(Photo stolen from this site)


Sleaze Czar:  John Edwards


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Schlock Czar:  Foolery



Congratulations to all the winners.

"Two! Two Jailed Illinois Governors! Ah-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!"

Gubby's brother Dan is known for his ability to describe people.  Usually this involves complicated hybrids of celebrities, animals and cartoons, but he has a knack for it.  Little does Dan know, but I have always had a penchant for that same descriptive nonsense, though I make no claims as to my prowess.  For instance, I once worked with a smarmy waiter who literally wore white loafers with neither socks nor a shred of irony.  I described him as a cross between Herb Tarlek (from the TV show "WKRP in Cincinnati") and Big Bird, plus a couple of "Lawrence Welk Show" crooners thrown in for good measure.  For those of you playing at home, that would look like



+



+



+



So here's Dan's take on a current event.

The Count



+ "Spencer For Hire"



= Corrupt Governor



And all I have to say about that is, Better a receding hairline than an advancing one.

Don't Worry About Sarah Palin

I'm pretty sure she can take care of herself.  At least, she accessorizes really, really well.

Watching the Returns With Smedley

Three of us bundled into the recliner, huddled under blankets against the frigid California air.  The girls had to make it to the announcement, they just had to.  Sure enough, at exactly eight o'clock, we got the word.  Barack Obama will be our 44th president.

"Mama, did he win?"

"Yes, Smedley, he won."

"What's a donkey, Mama?"

"Democrat."

"And what's an elephant?"

"Republican."

"I'm a donkey."

"Okay."

"Which one are you?"

"Neither one, actually."

A well-known female journalist came on-screen.  "Her nose is HUGE, Mama."

"She's a very good journalist, honey."

"With a very big nose.  Mama?"

"Yes Smedley?"

"You know the place we went to vote?"

"Uh-huh."

"It really smelled."

"But did you notice how fast we voted?  We didn't even have to wait in line."

"Yeah.  But it smelled.  Mama?"

"Yes Smedley."

The screen changed to show coverage of California's Proposition 8, the vote on gay marriage.  Stock footage of gay pride parades and same-sex weddings rolled across the screen.  Rosie O'Donnell and her wife were shown walking down stairs after their wedding.

"Mama?  Is that the Queen of England?"

"Not really, Smedley."

"I want to go to bed.  Is this over?"

"Yes, honey.  I just wanted you to see this.  It will be something you'll want to remember if you can."

"I'll never forget this night as long as I live, Mama."

Me neither, Smed.

You Betcha

This Debate Changed My Mind

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

We Interrupt This Thought For This Important Campaign Message

(Logo stolen from this guy)

Camp Obama

(With apologies to Alan Sherman . . . and pretty much everybody)

Hello Muddah, hello Faddah
Here I am at Camp Obama
Though I'm just a cub reporter
It's about as fun as Robert's Rules of Order.

(Photo stolen from this guy)

Drew the short straw, got Joe Biden
Other writers were all hidin'
Though he's seasoned and big-hearted
I was snoring minutes after his speech started.

(Photo stolen from this guy)

What I hear is, it's smooth sailin'
On the road with Sarah Palin
She's a hottie, she's a looker
Almost naked by the pool with her bazooka.

 

Though Barack is very charming
His supporters are alarming
Lots of pushing, for example,
And at last night's rally I was nearly trampled.

(Photo stolen from this guy)

Take me home, oh Muddah, Faddah
Take me home, from Camp Obama
Don't leave me out on the campaign trail
I think I'm in for an epic fail.

(Photo stolen from this guy)

Take me home, I promise I will take that job
In Syracuse with Uncle Bob.
Oh please don't make me stay
I've been here one whole day.

(Photo stolen from these guys)

I don't mean to be complainin'
But I'm not made for campaignin'
No more airports, no more planin'
I will need a bus like one they've got McCain in.

(Photo stolen from this guy)

Wait a minute, there's Obama!
With his daughters and their mama!
An exclusive, here's my big chance --
Never mind, Mom -- now I'm going to the Big Dance!

(Photo stolen from this guy)

Is It Just Me?

 

One of these women's favorite food is moose stew, and the other's is spa-Peggy and meatballs.

One of these women is a substitute Spanish teacher and the other is the governor of Alaska.

One of these women is Peggy Hill, and the other is Sarah Palin. I can't sort it all out. Can anyone help me out here?

BREAKING NEWS

(Photo stolen from deathby1000papercuts.blogspot.com/2007/12/joh...)

 

THIS JUST IN: VAIN JOHN EDWARDS HOPING HIS ADMISSION OF EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR MAKES AS BIG A SPLASH AS BILL CLINTON'S.

 

CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR.

Big Fat Lies -- The Campaign Trail

(Photo stolen from Esoteric_Desi on Flickr)

 

The media are reporting this morning that Obama and Hillary are starting to campaign together actively, and that to emphasize this new spirit of unity their first rally together will be in Unity, New Hampshire.

(Photo stolen from 4President on Flickr)

 

Not missing the symbolism, and never one to be outdone, John McCain is said to be rushing his campaign off to Rough and Ready, California.

(Photo stolen from nick.schu on Flickr)

 

Bill Clinton will be doing some campaigning in Intercourse, Pennsylvania this week.