Foolery

I'm Lovin’ It?

I make myself one cup of coffee five days a week. Not “a coffee” - a mug of Yuban. I don’t drink lattes or anything that ends in “ppucino.” Sodas only at PTO meetings, once a month. It’s not that I’m a Thou Shalt Not purist, because I eat and drink other crap; I’m just too cheap to pay for that stuff, and I know how bad all of those things are for me. Besides, if I’m gonna shell out bucks for beverages I could approximate in my own home, it had better be alcohol in a fancy setting.
 
But.
 
Once a year, in early spring, I take the drive of shame to the McDonalds drive-up window and order this.


A shamrock shake - or, as I prefer to think of it, the Shamerock Shake. Unmistakably green and fluffy in a clear cup - when did THAT happen? - so I can’t pretend it’s an iced tea, to my great shame.

There is nothing about this drink I can defend. Not its ingredients, its purveyor, and certainly not its nutritional value. But I still want one. One.

You might think that with a chip on my shoulder this big I could handle the subsequent walk of shame from my car to the door of my office, but you’d be wrong, because there next to my parking space was a huge pickup, backed into the space, with a man and woman inside. The engine was running. I was suddenly self-conscious of my Shamerock Shake. What if they see me? They’ll KNOW. I should have been wondering why a couple were idling their pickup in the parking lot, watching the doors of the building, and I am wondering that now, but then? Only concerned with juggling my keys and papers and purse and this fluffy green nonsense.

Did you know that when a thick green shake tips over in a purse, some actual liquid seeps out? I didn’t either.

I made it into the building, where I enjoyed my shake, alone, feeling a mixture of guilt and satisfaction. Then I cleaned my purse.

It’s a good thing I won’t eat McRib sandwiches. My purse would not survive.

My Own Personal Peanut Butter

(Photo used by permission from Piccolo Namek)

One of the true joys of working outside the home, in a comfortable, air conditioned office, is the office kitchen. Clean and tiny, almost entirely devoid of food or useful utensils, it is a haven.
 
I stash my lunch in the huge empty refrigerator, so white inside it almost blinds me when I open the door to retrieve my Trader Joe’s salad or Greek yogurt. Behind the can of Yuban lurks my own personal peanut butter. Crunchy natural peanut butter is not part of my household shopping list, since no one at home but me would eat it. But here in my office kitchen I have a new little jar of it; yet unopened, it waits upside down for the day the yogurt is gone and I’m still hungry.
 
Today’s the day.
 
One of life’s tiny pleasures is opening a new jar of peanut butter and being the first one to dunk a spoon. Once the jar is half gone, however, its charms have faded as I wonder who’s been opening the lid when I’m not looking – at least that’s how it is at my home, which I share with children who are tall enough to rummage through the cupboards for snacks. But here in my office kitchen there’s no risk of anyone dipping grimy fingers into it because J— doesn’t eat processed foods and R— seems to eat only fruit and coffee. In any case, I’m sure they will expect that I double-dip with a licked spoon, and they’ll stay far away from my own personal peanut butter. And, even though I never, ever do that, today I just might.

There's a Reason It's Sold in 4-Packs

Ah, North Coast Brewing Old Stock Ale.



(Photo stolen from these guys)

Or, as we call it in my greater family,

12.5% ABV (alcohol by volume). I hope that explains a few things.

Fooleryland Holiday Gift Guide #1: The Wild Table

(All photos by Sara Remington, and recklessly stolen from The Wild Table web site)

Fooleryland needs a Holiday Gift Guide, don't you think? So here is my first FOOLHOGG entry. This is sure to go viral.

Chas now has a published author in his family. And, because I married Chas, I can claim chef Sarah Scott as part of my family. See how I did that?

Sarah is a chef in the Napa Valley, and I've written about her before, which, you know, feel free to go read. Here's her photo*:



For over a year Sarah has been working on the book The Wild Table: Seasonal Foraged Food and Recipes with Connie Green, who is this lady:



Connie Green is an expert in the field of foraging wild foods -- from all over North America, I understand -- which she then ships to famous chefs. Sarah Scott created the recipes using these foods. The resulting collaborative cookbook features over 100 recipes using mushrooms, berries, and other  stuff that grows beside the road  treats. I have ordered one for my brother Chef Bocci (who never reads my blog so this won't be a give-away) and one for myself for Chas to give me for Christmas. Yep. Easier that way.

Check out their web site** if you need a gift for an adventurous, creative soul. Or for someone like me, who likes to pretend she's adventurous and creative.

 

*I showed this to the girls and asked if they remembered meeting cousin Sarah for lunch in the Napa Valley. Sparky asked, "How old is she? Is she 30?" (She really did, Sarah.)

**This is not a review because I have not even seen the book yet. Nor was this in any way a sponsored post. I'm just pushy and like to associate myself with winners.

What Do You Feed a Vegan?

Start with vegetables, pretty much.

My cousins are visiting and, while they're not exactly vegans, they tend toward veganism. Being a dyed-in-the-wool, Card-Carrying Omnivore, this is a difficult concept for me. What do you mean, NO EGGS?

You're looking at the genesis of dinner. It wasn't inspired, but it went fairly well, and no one has died of food poisoning . . . yet. Talk to me Monday.

'Cause Everyone Likes Ice Cream, No Matter Who They Are

Today, class, we shall make ice cream. Yes we will, and there will be no cooking it, and no sniveling about salmonella, either. We like our eggs RAW in our ice cream here in Fooleryland.

First, you'll need a few things. Get your "Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream & Dessert Book."

Turn to pages 28-29, the Sweet Cream Bases pages. This is all you need to know about making ice cream. With this you can make anything, but you'll need vanilla, too. I prefer Sweet Cream Base #1.

 

It helps to have random car keys, some old batteries and a Tiffen filter, apparently. Do you have your ice cream freezer? I like the old Rival that I bought at K-Mart years ago for about $25. I don't think you can improve upon it, so don't spend a fortune. You will also need salt -- table salt, if you have the Rival model, rock salt for some other models -- and a bag of ice (not pictured; I'm counting on your collective imaginations).

Let's assemble your ingredients. I was making two batches this day; ignore the photo because everything was doubled.

2 large eggs
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 cups heavy or whipping cream
1 cup milk
2 tsp. real vanilla

First, get a big whisk and whisk the eggs in a big mixing bowl until light and fluffy, 1-2 minutes. We call this the "snot in a bowl" stage, which is even worse if it were just egg whites. Everybody say EWWWWWWWWW.

Whisk in the sugar, a little at a time, then continue whisking until completely blended, about 1 minute more. When a problem comes along, you must whisk it . . . It will be thick and yellow and gluey. Everybody say MMMMMMMMMM.

Pour in the cream and milk and whisk to blend. Now this is important: VANILLA. Even when I make fruit ice creams, I add vanilla, though only half as much. 2 teaspoons will make you everybody's friend and you don't need chocolate or sprinkles or NUTHIN'. REAL VANILLA, BABY.

Pour the batter (which will be thin, like a melted milkshake) into the ice cream maker canister, and push the ice cream paddle into place. (Not gonna go into this too deeply because every brand's paddle is different.)

Put the canister lid on tight and put it into the bucket. Now comes the fun part: alternate ice and table salt, ice and table salt, until the ice bucket is pretty full. Hurry, though; your ice cream will start to freeze and it'll get stuck if you don't shake a leg.

Pop the motor onto the top, clamp it down and plug it in. It should start to turn that canister right away. The noise will be unbearable, so have a glass of courage, but you must be within earshot of the thing as it churns. Why? because after 20 minutes or so, when the ice cream is almost done, the motor will begin slogging. All of a sudden it will stop turning -- it's literally frozen stopped -- and you need to unplug it quick before you burn out the motor.

Don't freak out; it's not half as scary as I make it sound. I'm a drama queen.

Get that canister out quick, pull out the paddle and get the ice cream served or into the freezer.

YOU GET TO LICK THE PADDLE -- I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, PEOPLE. Do not let urchins con you out of your divine right.

That's it, you did it! But read up beforehand if you decide to make a flavored ice cream, as there is some special prep, especially for fruit. Makes one generous quart, or enough to get you through one episode of "Mad Men." Maybe.

Accidentally Ate Cactus And Lived

I forgot to warn Richard.

We meet for lunch maybe four or five times a year, Richard and I, and I have never yet taken a photo of my food. But years of blogging emboldens a person. Out came the camera.

 

This gorgeous hunk of hubba-hubba is a burrito de camaron, or shrimp burrito, from my new secret boyfriend, Mariscos Ixtapa Seafood & Grill. It was smokey and shrimp-y  -- the burrito, not the restaurant -- and full of cactus (which I loved) and OH MY GAHHHHHH I'M GETTING HUNGRY. Yes, I photographed a burrito as big as my head, but really, wouldn't you? This baby was a love letter, after all.

And there was this.

 

Friday was a half day for me. Lunch called for a beer. Just one; I'm not an animal.

Mariscos Ixtapa is my new favorite place in Chico.

Accidental Cuisine From the Foolery Kitchen

We were going to have burritos made with leftover chicken for dinner.

We were going to . . . and then my shopping cart and I rounded the corner and saw the fresh turkeys. Thanksgiving dinner was turkey breast at Mom and Dad's, and there weren't a lot of leftovers. I love leftover turkey. Hmmmm, a fresh turkey.

 


(Photo stolen from these guys)

I could do that.

Never mind that I have never roasted a whole turkey, all by myself, with no input from my mom or anyone with brains. I knew I had the ultimate easy turkey recipe in my clutches (thank you, Kathi at I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus)! I can do this!

So I bought a 12-pound turkey and a cheapo-bendy roasting pan made of Kleenex or spider webs, apparently. I have pretty much everything I need in my kitchen and then some, but I don't own a roasting pan. Or a rack (hey now, simmer down, not THAT kind of rack, which I also don't own). Whatever.

Schlepped all of the groceries home and they pretty much didn't fit in the fridge. Yeah, time to consolidate and clean out the fridge. I can do that while the turkey's roasting. And it was roasting happily at 475F, just like Kathi's instructions said.

Now don't worry, this story ends happily, and no hunky firemen were called. Well, mostly happily.

 


(Photo stolen from this site -- wouldn't this fabric make great jammies?)

But unlike Kathi's instructions, which politely suggested a proper roasting pan and a rack and, oh, maybe a meat thermometer and perhaps a bit more attention than I give to my slippers, there was nothing careful about my roasting methods. I shoved that bird into the Kleenex-y pan -- at least I put a jelly roll pan under it for stability -- and into the oven, set the timer for an hour to check on it, and then my brain left for Uzbekistan, apparently, because it was nowhere to be found.

Checked on the bird and it was doing fine. How I knew that was anyone's guess, not having a meat thermometer stuck into the bird.

 


(Photo stolen from these guys)

After an hour and a half I remembered the meat thermometer, pulled out the pan, and stuck in the thermometer, which promptly pegged past 190F. Okay, so we're having turkey jerky for dinner, I'm cool. I tented the sucker and let it rest on a platter.

"Chas, would you carve the bird while I make the gravy?"

"Sure, if by 'carve' you mean "dismember.'" I made the gravy.

The secret to really great gravy is to not like gravy, apparently. I didn't taste it until after dinner, so it went to the table with mea culpas and warnings, but it was quite good, apparently.

Back to the carving station. Chas looked at the bird and wondered why it was on its tummy?

Oh. Did I do that?

Oh.

I had shoved the damn bird into the oven upside down. So that's why the wings looked like they were flapping.

BUT

it was among the top three turkeys I have ever eaten. No salt. No butter. No herbs. No careful basting. Upside down and poaching in its own juices, that breast was juicier than a fresh peach. Who cares if the back was crispy? Who eats the back?

I suspect that when I put the thermometer in it hit the air cavity and would have registered 475F if it could have. The bird was just done, and certainly not turkey jerky.

From now on I will cook all future turkeys upside down in a flimsy pan with no rack and no thermometer and no stuffing. I will, however, remember to remove the bag of offal from the body cavity. Next time.

 


(Photo stolen from these guys) 

None For Me, Thanks

 

(Photo stolen from the museum of awful food) 

Bad meals I have eaten:

• a French Polynesian pork dish smothered in a dark sauce which, for a while, successfully hid the skin and bristles

• the biggest plate of green beans I have ever seen -- pounds of them -- mounded on a platter, served family style with fried pork chops quite literally swimming in grease

• a tiny fan of fried breakfast potatoes sliced so thin they were translucent, arranged artfully on a plate (they were so tiny and delicate that we photographed them instead of eating them)

So what I want to know is, what was your worst meal ever? Extra credit if you paid a lot of money for the privilege. Post a comment here, or on your own blog, but be sure to post a link so we can come read it later!

Also, see that photo up there? I stole that from the nice lady at the museum of awful food. It looks really delicious but I have my doubts, since it was made with HAGFISH SLIME instead of eggs. Cholesterol freaks.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Power Muffins

This recipe came from relishmag.com, although I think it may have been reprinted in Parade magazine. My kids LOVE these muffins, and as a bonus? They're pretty healthy. As far as I know they are vegan muffins, unless there's something I've missed. I make a few changes which I will note. The only downside is they take a LONG time to make because of all of the tiny measurements, but go for it. The kids will think you're a genius.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Power Muffins

High Cotton Food Styling & Photography

Ingredients

1 cup whole-wheat flour
1½ teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon kosher salt (I use sea salt)
½ cup maple sugar (I use brown sugar)
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
6 tablespoons old-fashioned oats
3 tablespoons raisins (I use dried cranberries)
¼ cup chopped peanuts, divided
½ cup soy milk (I use cow's milk)
4 tablespoons canola oil
6 tablespoons maple syrup (in a pinch the pretend-O syrup works, though not as healthy)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
½ cup peanut butter (I prefer natural peanut butter)
1 tablespoon cider vinegar
2 medium bananas, mashed (I like them left a little chunky)
4 tablespoons strawberry jam (or any kind of jam, preferably sugar-free)

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350F. Grease 20 (2-inch) muffin cups. (DON'T GREASE! Use paper muffin liners because these muffins are VERY delicate.)
2. Sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, maple sugar and cinnamon. Add oats, raisins and half the peanuts.
3. Combine soy milk, oil, maple syrup, vanilla, peanut butter, vinegar and bananas. Mash until well blended. Add to dry ingredients, stirring to mix just until all ingredients are incorporated. Do not overmix.
4. Fill muffin cups two-thirds full with batter, then drop a little jam onto the top of each muffin. Sprinkle with remaining peanuts. Bake about 20 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean. Spoon extra jam on top, if desired. Makes 20 muffins. (Don't overfill! These muffins are too soft for much of a muffin top.)

These keep in an air-tight container in the refrigerator, but don't expect them to last long.

Reprinted with Permission from Lunch Lessons by Ann Cooper and Lisa M. Holmes (HarperCollins, 2006).
"Relish the Healthy Table," Sept. 2007

Nutritional Information
Per muffin: 96 calories, 5g fat, 3g protein, 11g carbohydrate, 1g fiber, 91mg sodium

Audubon Ron’s Rainy Day Gumbo

 

This is a wonderful recipe for gumbo without okra, courtesy of my blog friend Audubon Ron. He sounds like a fantastic cook, and he's definitely a funny and interesting person, so go visit him at his blog Ducks Mahal. 

First, the ingredients, followed by Ron's instructions and my notes in orange type, and photos. For the full unvarnished recipe from Ron, click here.

Rainy Day Gumbo
Serves 4

Prepare in advance the following ingredients:

4 Tbsp. flour
4 Tbsp. vegetable oil
½ yellow onion (diced into ¼ inch pieces)
½ green bell pepper (seeded, cored, diced into ¼ inch pieces)
½ red bell pepper (seeded, cored, diced into ¼ inch pieces)
1 stalk celery (sliced lengthwise into quarters and then diced into ¼ inch pieces)
½ cup of ale (as in beer)
1 Tbsp. Worcestershire
1 Tbsp. Tabasco
1 12-inch length sausage (Smoked Hillshire Farms will do), cut into thin slices
1 large chicken breast (boned and skinned, cut into 1-inch pieces)
2 cups uncooked shrimp (shelled and de-veined)
1 clove garlic
Chicken stock (use a 26-oz. container of packaged stock from the soup section)
1 bouquet garni (in a piece of cheese cloth about 5”x8” place 1 tsp. each of dried basil, oregano and thyme, draw the four corners together and make a small ball, seal the top with cloth string or I use a trash bag twister; make sure not to use anything made of plastic)

Roux

In a 2 quart heavy sauce pan, put in flour and then oil and mix into a smooth paste.  On medium heat, cook slowly for 20 minutes, stirring frequently, until the roux turns oak color.  Be careful not to scorch; if scorched, start roux over in a clean pan.

I used extra virgin olive oil, which has a lower scorch point than other oils, so next time I will turn my heat lower than medium. I never stopped stirring it; it passed oak color halfway through and went straight to mahogany, but it didn't scorch.

 



When the roux is ready, add onions, peppers, and celery and cook until tender on the same heat.  This will release the sugar in the veggies and the roux should darken a little more (about 10 minutes).

 


Add ale, Worcestershire and Tabasco and let cook while preparing the sausage.

 

Here was my ale choice. It's blurry because I drank the rest of it. Also, I cut the Tabasco to about a teaspoon, which was plenty spicy enough for my family.

In a separate pan sauté the sausage in a little oil and garlic; add to the roux.

 


Add the entire container of chicken stock.

 

I used two cans of chicken stock, about 28 oz. total.

Toss in the bouquet garni to the roux.  (Bouquet garni is the French term for a bundle of herbs tied together and tossed into the pot.)

Okay, this is important. If you don't use a bouguet garni, and I didn't because I'm just not French enough, call your brother the chef and ask him how much ground herbs to use. He'll say "to taste," which Laurie heard as "½ teaspoon each of basil and thyme, and ¼ teaspoon oregano." It was perfect. BUT! Don't add this until the last 20 minutes of cooking! You can just cool your jets and get back to the hard stuff.

Bring to a boil, then reduce to a low simmer and cook for one hour.  The lower the heat, the better.  The idea is to let the slow heat break down the flour and oil.

I have an electric rice cooker which usually takes 30 minutes to cook a cup and one-half of rice in 3 cups of water.  When the hour of cooking the gumbo is up, I cook the rice.

Let's talk about how to use that hour, shall we? You could check your e-mail. You could sample more of the Celebration Ale . . .

 

. . . but you're not going to. You're going to de-vein those nasty shrimps. Unless you were lucky enough to purchase them de-veined (unlikely), you probably bought a bag of frozen shrimp. Measure out a couple of cups of them into a colander; put them into the sink and run cold water over them. You gotta strip the poo tube right out of those dudes or you'll be eating poo. Use a paring knife and slice right down their bellies stem to stern, then scrape the poo tube out. You'll recognize it; it's brown. I'm sure Julia Child or Jacques Pepin or ANYBODY could give you a better tutorial than this, but if not? Call me. I'll walk you through it.

While the rice is cooking add the shrimp and chicken to the gumbo.

 

This is also the point at which I added the herbs -- remember them? -- and the salt and pepper. Easy on the salt; the sausage adds a lot already.

Cook for another 20 to 30 minutes. Cool some and serve the gumbo in a bowl on a bed of rice. Oh don’t that good yeah!!!

 

It WAS good, Ron -- thank you SO much! And next time I'll start the process at 2:30 instead of 4:00. I'll double the recipe because it's really good as leftovers, and I'll listen to Beausoleil and Harry Shearer the whole time.

"Ah guar-onn-teee."

Foolery in the Kitchen Again: Tamale Pie

(Original photo stolen from mforbes321 on Flickr)

Neither of my grandmothers were marvelous cooks, though both had specialties that they cooked very well. My father's mother, Gertrude, made the best beef stew in my memory, but my favorite recipe from her kitchen was tamale pie. My own mother made it once in a while and it was one of my favorite dinners. It tastes nothing like tamales -- nothing! -- but it's pretty easy and delicious and can be customized easily, so it's aces in my book. Here is the straight recipe as hand-written for me by Mom, in a recipe book (I think it was a hint to hurry up and learn how to cook and settle down, already):

Grandma's* Tamale Pie

• 1 lb. ground chuck
• 1 large onion, chopped
• 1 clove garlic, chopped
• 1 cup milk
• 1/2 cup yellow cornmeal
• 1 8 oz. can tomato sauce
• 1 small can (8 oz.?) or half of a 14 oz. can creamed corn
• 3/4 of a green bell pepper, cored, seeded and chopped
• 2 tsp. Grandma's Spanish Pepper (a.k.a. chili powder)
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1 can pitted olives, drained

Cook meat until done but not browned. Add onion, garlic, and bell pepper; mix well. Transfer to a greased casserole dish [just guessing: 2-3 quart round is what Mom and Grandma and I always use].

In a measuring cup mix milk and corn meal; stir well and dump into casserole. Mix chili powder with a little water and add. Add the remainder of the ingredients, mixing well.

Bake at 350˚F about 45 minutes. Can be refrigerated and reheated.



 

Okay, I wouldn't be Laurie if I didn't mess with stuff. Here's how I have changed it (in bold):


Laurie's Tamale Pie

• 1-1 1/2 lbs. ground chuck or ground turkey or I suppose even tofu cubes
• 1 large onion, chopped
• 1-3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 cup milk
• 1/2 cup yellow cornmeal
• 1 8 oz. can tomato sauce
• 1 can Mexicorn (7 oz.?) or a 14 oz. can of sweet corn (I hate creamed corn)
• 1 bell pepper, any color, cored, seeded and chopped (why have 1/4 bell pepper lying around?)
• 1-2 medium zucchini, diced
• 1 14 oz. can diced tomatoes (or fresh diced, if you have too many tomatoes)
• I omit the chili powder as my family thinks it tastes like feet. Sorry, Grandma.
• Dash of cayenne, being very careful
• Three shakes of Tapatio hot sauce, again with the careful
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1 can small pitted olives, drained

Mix it all up as in the recipe above, but I take it out of the oven after 45 minutes, stir it all up, and cook it a few minutes longer. Then I take it out of the oven, stir it again, put a lid on it and let it sit for about 20 minutes. Seems to be more even this way, with all of the different textures.

Notes:

• This is pretty much a one-pot meal, but I usually serve it with steamed zucchini, because GAHHH we always have a ton of zukes around here.
• I stuff as many vegetables in there as I can. There is no wrong way, except for carrots and broccoli. Don't ask.
• You could easily substitute pulled pork or shredded chicken or beef for the ground beef, in which case it would taste more like a real tamale (not really).
• Diced chilis would be excellent, but be careful about heat.
• Cumin would be great, but my family resists things that taste like feet.
• Kidney beans or black beans could be good.
• Great in the winter with corn bread, as if you need an excuse to eat corn bread. Or, you could make a cornbread crust on top, but since I don't know how to do that, you're on your own here.

(Photo stolen from these guys)

*The Grandma here refers to "Grandma's Spanish Pepper," which is one of the ingredients and is probably the source of this recipe. I like to think it refers to my Grandma, however, so humor me.

Night of the Living Peaches

Continuing the canned food theme, I had to share this note that I got today from my mother-in-law, who is a wonderful cook and a story teller in her own right (if she would only blog!):


 

My mother and grandmother both canned. I lived in Houston, Texas until I was 15. Summers were hot and humid and no AC.

During World War II we were always on high alert -- blackouts, rumors of German subs off Galveston, proximity to shipyards, etc. My mother was the original "drama queen" (now you know where the girls get it). One particularly hot day, when I was about eight, we were upstairs and we began to hear explosions!  My mother thrust me under the bed and told me to "save myself and not worry about her," and then went screaming through the house that the Japanese had attacked and we were all going to die! When it got quiet and we had survived, we tip-toed down the stairs and searched the house for damage. When we got to the kitchen we discovered that the canned peaches, which had been stored in the highest cupboards, had exploded.

That is my canning AND war story. After that we referred to it as "The Night The Peaches Attacked."


(Original photo stolen from this guy)

I remember it like it was yesterday.   Both my mother and grandmother were excellent cooks and I grew up eating anything (raw oysters, crawdads, etc.) but I never felt the same about home canned food after that.

Eat What You Can and What You Can't You Can, Part 1

(Photo stolen from this site)

There was a bag of fresh-picked peaches hanging on my kitchen door knob the other morning. Thanks, Mom.

As a full-time member of the work force, a part-time blogger and an ISN'T IT BEDTIME YET parent, I have no time to dedicate to a garden, and have subsequently become the beneficiary of other peoples' Farmer Brown instincts. Ask me how much squash I have in my refrigerator right now. Go on, ask me.

It struck me as I washed the luminous fuzzy fruits that this wouldn't have happened in my grandparents' time. There was no such thing as "extra food" when my parents were kids. You grew what you ate and you ate what you grew, and what you couldn't eat was not wasted, it was preserved.



(Photo stolen from these guys)

I grew up in the shadow of a home economics teacher. Not only is Mom a good cook, but she has also been very resourceful all of her life. She usually had a summer/fall garden, and therefore, she has canned a lot of food over the years. Tomatoes and peaches, mostly, but she would often buy a lug of fruit (or we would go to a U-Pick orchard and pick them ourselves) to make applesauce and apple butter, canned pears, cherries, and all kinds of jams and jellies.

I do not can. I do have lots of preserves, however, and they all look like this:

(Photo stolen from these guys)

So my generation may grow food, but we certainly can't eat all of the squash and cucumbers the plants produce. I am currently on THREE down-lists from abundant gardens of non-canning gardeners. We eat a lot of steamed zucchini. I make zucchini bread when vegetables start falling out of the refrigerator. I put zucchini in my homemade marinara sauce and tamale pie, in Glop -- I've even put it into meatloaf. But canning food?

No can do.

(Original photo stolen from this site)

So, anybody out there have any good canning stories? Please share!

Please check out my other blog, Reasonably Educated Bumpkins, for Part 2 of this story, due up soon.

Meatballs!

(Photo stolen from this site)

Köttbullar are Swedish meatballs.  I grew up loving them, but didn't realize that the ones I thought were Swedish were really quite American.  My Mormor and my mom each changed the recipe to use readily available American products, like Campbell's soup.  But MAN OH MAN if you ever need to take a main dish to a pot luck, the Americanized köttbullar are the ones to take.  Mom used to bring them to our school potlucks, and we kids never got through the line fast enough to get a meatball before they'd been decimated by throngs of hungry potluck-ers.  I am really not kidding.

If you can make a meatloaf you can make these.  Here is the Betty Crocker-ized version, which makes plenty for six normal people (good luck with rounding up a few of those):


Köttbullar

• 2 1/4 pounds lean ground beef
• 1/2 pound ground pork sausage (Italian pork sausage works fine)
• 2 cups dry bread crumbs
• 2 eggs, slightly beaten
• 1/2 cup ketchup
• 1/4 teaspoon dried ground sage
• 1 yellow onion, finely chopped
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon pepper

• 1 1/2  to 2 cans cream of mushroom soup
• 1 package dry onion soup mix
• 1 cup water

Preheat oven to 350˚F.

Mix soups and water together in a bowl; set aside.  This is the gravy and will be used last.

Mix all remaining ingredients in a large mixing bowl.  Don't be a wuss -- take off your rings and mix it with your hands!  It's almost impossible unless you use your bare hands.

Form meatballs about the size of golf balls and place tightly into an oblong baking pan (about 9 x 13").  You may want to pop the meatballs into the oven for 10-15 minutes without gravy, and pour off any fat that bakes out before covering them with gravy.  I use a lower fat ground beef and there isn't any fat to pour off that early in the baking.  Cover the meatballs in gravy and bake for 45 minutes.  Test one meatball for doneness; they may need more time, especially if you have made them larger than golf ball size.

Serve as is or over rice or  -- if you REALLY want your guy to give you a foot rub and a back rub and a new car -- over mashed potatoes.  This is heart attack food, right here.

Tip:  When meatballs come out of the oven, take five minutes to spoon out as much fat as you can before it mixes with the gravy.  Your cardiologist will thank you.

Now, for a REAL recipe for Swedish meatballs, which are smaller, drier and fried in butter rather than baked, then served with lingonberries (I'm not making this up), try this link.  It looks a lot like my Mormor's Swedish recipe which was shelved in favor of the American one.  No, I haven't tried it yet; Yes, I plan to.  As soon as I figure out where to get lingonberries.



(Photo stolen from this site)

Add Caramel Until It Tastes Good

Have you made it through the first layer of See's Valentine Candy yet?  No?  Well, put it down and go check out this link because you're going to want to make this Right. Now.

 

(Photo stolen from the article at Bon Appetit)

Have I made it yet?  Um, well, no, actually, I haven't, but I have a very good reason.

I am a LAME-O.  On file.

But I will make that apple crisp.  And actually?  There are a lot more recipes in the March 2009 issue of Bon Appétit that are equally compelling and which I will be attempting, because they are from the very able, talented, likable and funny chef Sarah Patterson Scott, who is Chas's cousin, and it is my duty and pleasure to brag up the heck out of a family member whose success has absolutely NOTHING to do with me.

(Photo stolen with the blessing of Jim at  www.napaman.com)*

Sarah has worked for years bridging the two worlds of food and wine, working for wineries -- most notably that of Robert Mondavi, Sr. -- creating and pairing food with their wines.  Now stop and go back and read that sentence again.  Hellooo, working with food and wine?  Who do I talk to about THAT job?

And the other reason I'll be trying some of these recipes is self-evident: caramel.

Our family had lunch with Sarah in the Napa Valley last month.  She told us that she and a partner are working on a cookbook, which I will also be shamelessly plugging once it comes out, so fair warning.

Go check out Bon Appétit and leave Sarah a comment!

*Thanks for the photo goes to Jim White at Napaman.com, a beautiful blog and a great place to browse if you love wine, food, good photos, the Napa Valley, and pretending you understand anything fancier than Two Buck Chuck.

Greetings From the M.A.T. Bistro

My cooking has been described as

average

passable

makes a turd

fine

and

"Hello, Hospital?"

But perhaps the definitive description of my cooking style is

stubborn

I insist on doing things the hard way.  Well, not difficult, really, so much as TIME-CONSUMING.  But just between you and me?  I really love making stuff from scratch, from whole foods.*  Even if I could get the results in a jar in one-tenth the time, I wouldn't want to.

So today I am making pasta sauce.  It's really easy and there is no real recipe, which is a bonus.  But I'll still tell you about it, because you're gonna need an excuse to listen to "Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me" or "Le Show" on NPR next weekend, and here's your excuse: you've got FOOD to make!

Foolery's Extra-Chunky Marinara Sauce, Sort Of

Tools you'll need:

• a good stock pot -- this is my favorite:

(Photo stolen from these guys)

But you can use a tall stock pot if you want to -- just make sure you've got another one lying around to cook your pasta in later.

• a good chef's knife, because you'll be chopping chopping chopping

• a cutting board (see above reason)

• an outboard motor

• a long-handled mixing spoon

• a short-handled tasting spoon

• a beverage of choice, for inspiration

Ingredients, most of which are entirely negotiable:

• meat (2 diced chicken breasts, or a pound of hamburger, or a pound of ground Italian sausage, or any combination thereof).  If you're a vegetarian, I'm so, so sorry.

• olive oil

• 2-4 15-oz. cans of tomato product (I like 2 sauce and 2 diced or stewed, but you can also add a small can of tomato paste for thickness and concentrated flavor)

• one yellow onion, diced (red is too sweet and white is too hot)

• garlic, minced very fine (to taste -- I use five big cloves, but we're afraid of vampires)

• two stalks of celery, diced

• 1-3 zucchini, diced

• a buttload of mushrooms, sliced

• one bell pepper (green for color), diced

• a can of drained, rinsed black olives if you're feeling frisky, size small or sliced

• sugar (yes, sugar)

• red wine

• dried herbs, salt and black pepper to taste

Cooking the Sauce

Drizzle a little olive oil in your pot -- maybe two or three times around the bottom?  Coupla tablespoons, maybe, but I have no idea.  Brown your meat of choice.  If you have chosen ground beef and/or sausage, you'll want to drain the liquid off and give it to your skinny pets, (if you have any skinny pets) because this is PURE FLAVOR JUICE, which means, of course, FAT.  Restrain yourself.

To the browned meat add all vegetables but no herbs, spices, sugar or wine (yet).  Get that sucker bubbling, then turn your heat down, maybe to about 2 on a scale of 10, so the sauce continues to bubble and simmer just a little.

Add a bay leaf if you have one.  I don't know why.  I think it may be a trick.

Pour in some wine.  Some?  Maybe a cup?  Add a smattering of sugar.  Could be about a half teaspoon.  Less is more, but you need a bit of sugar to cut the acid from the tomatoes and the sour from the herbs, I think.  If someone has a better answer about why we put sugar in, lemme have it.

Let this simmer for anywhere from half an hour to three hours.  I'm serious.  I've done both, and while cooking it longer results in bigger flavor, I still sort of like the freshness of a short-cooked sauce.  It's always better the second day, anyway.  Use your judgment.

What I really like to do is cook it in the middle of the day, then turn it off at this point and let it stand for a couple of hours before I heat it up again and season it.  I'm sure my brother the chef would be HORRIFIED at that, and all of you health department types, please disregard what I just typed.  It's probably not ideal for food safety, but it's GREAT for letting the flavors commingle a bit.  Then I put in the herbs.



Seasoning the Sauce

I use thyme, basil, rosemary, oregano, parsley, and alfalfa.  Just kidding about the alfalfa -- seeing who's still awake.  I stink at measurements, but again, less is more.  Too much and your sauce tastes like lawn clippings.  If you must measure, start with 1/4 teaspoon, or even less.  This is where the all-important tasting spoon comes into play.  Stir that pot up and take a  taste -- need more?  Try a little more oregano and basil.  Parsley is really just to keep the dried parsley people in business, God bless 'em.  About right?  maybe a bit bland?  Before you reach for more herbs, give it a shake of salt and pepper -- one tiny shake of cayenne if you're adventurous -- and taste it again.  Oh, and remember to wash your tasting spoon between tastings.  Or not; you're probably alone in your kitchen and those skinny pets won't tell.

Once you're pretty sure you have the herbs right, add salt and pepper.  Go easy on the salt but don't skimp on the pepper.

This sauce is not particularly tomato-y because it's so chunky.  That suits my family as we're not big on red sauce.  You may want to use more tomato sauce and some tomato paste if you like really tomato-y sauce.  Also?  Don't forget to fish out the bay leaf!



This makes a huge amount, as you might imagine.  I ladle it over my pasta, mix it up, and then bag the rest in a gallon-sized freezer Zip-Loc.  Works great for lasagna later on.

Serve with a salad or something, but there are enough vegetables in this to choke a bunny, so it could almost be a one-pot meal.  As for beverages, I suggest this



or this



but avoid this

unless you, too, want to be horizontal and blurry.

Until next time, 'bye for now from the M.A.T. Bistro!**


*Okay, this includes canned tomatoes and dried spices from jars, and I don't kill any livestock, press my own wine or dig my own salt.  But other than that . . .

**So named by my friend Gubby, who is used to my cooking, and insists that "Bistro" adds the class that "Cafe" just doesn't have.

The Foolery Diet, Day 1: Blew It Already

(Does this seem funny to anyone else?)
It's time.  It's way past time, actually, but that's water under the bridge.  I need to lose some weight and I need to get serious about it.

List of diets I have tried over the years:  TOPS, NutriSystem, the -Ose Diet (I made that one up, but it worked), The Zone Diet.



TOPS was Take Off Pounds Sensibly.  My grandmother and her sister went religiously for something like 30 years.  I don't think they ever lost more than five pounds.  It could have been the snacks they brought to the meetings, but I'm not sure.  I didn't lose anything because it wasn't really my idea and I HATED the social aspect of it.



I lost 20 pounds on NutriSystem, and never once managed to eat all of the food they mandated I eat in a day.  (Looking back now I find that ludicrous.  Bring it on, I can eat it.)  I hated the food, but it did work.  It took me a couple of years to put the weight back on, which I did in Maui, and because I didn't exercise and had turned 21 and discovered cocktails.

The -Ose Diet was on the heels of the NutriSystem diet.  I just didn't eat anything that ended in -ose -- glucose, sucrose, fructose, lactose, or maltose.  I'm only exaggerating a tiny bit; I scanned labels religiously and would not eat anything containing any of those things.  I shunned almost all packaged food, fruit, cereals, and any kind of sugar, and ate only oatmeal, vegetables and meat.  It worked great, and I would have lost more, except that I got chicken pox and was lucky to be able to eat anything at all for three weeks.  Then I moved to Maui, and we all know what happened then . . .



The Zone Diet was a great idea.  It was Chas's idea, and he bought Dr. Barry Sears's books and read them.  I didn't even crack the covers.  "We should do this," said Chas, who had ballooned up to 180 from his perfect 172.  Jeez, you'd think he was the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, the way he panicked.



I didn't lose any weight on The Zone Diet, but we ate very healthy meals, and we were working out a lot, so I was getting leaner and stronger and more muscular.  I had just exchanged walking for jogging, when I started being easily exhausted by my short little run . . . and figured out that I was pregnant.  So much for the Zone Diet, although we retained our very healthy eating habits.



For a while.

So here it is eight years later, and I have become the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.  Woman.  Whatever, close enough.  I haven't worked out in ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh that's a good one ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha years.  Most pizza dough is in better shape than I am.

So it's time to pick a new diet plan.  My criteria:

• one I can live with

• one that works

• one that isn't dangerous -- The Cactus Diet, The Licorice Diet, The Innards Diet -- but yet still interesting and challenging enough to blog about occasionally

Hmmmmmmm.  You know, The Cactus Diet has some good points -- no, wait, I've got it:

Foolery's Corn Diet

This is not to say that I will eat nothing but corn, although there would be an undeniable visual aspect to that . . . no, I will shun corn.  Sounds easy, right?

Wrong.

Go read a food label.  Any label, it hardly matters.  I'll wait.

(whistling . . . whistling . . . )

Okay, did you find corn on the label?  I thought so.  Modified corn starch?  Corn oil?  Corn syrup?  Corn sweetener?  It's in EVERYTHING.  Unless you buy European packaged foods, in which case there is NO corn added, because they don't grow or process corn in Europe.  Here in the U.S. the ultra-powerful Archer Daniels Midland company processes corn, though, and as a result the cheap and (until recently) plentiful corn has been put into EVERYTHING Americans eat, and some things we don't.  But enough of that.

Avoiding corn means no soda, no candy, no processed sweets of any kind, UNLESS I have a jones that bad that I resort to making it myself, which is okay once in a while.  This diet was the only way I could possibly justify keeping wine in the mix.  I'll just cut out all that corn whiskey I was drinking.

So how did I cheat already?  Well. I was going to start today, but since we were all home together at breakfast and no one was rushing off anywhere I made homemade Pancakes The Hard Way, but discovered that Chas had used all of the real maple syrup last week without telling me.  Yes, I used the Aunt Jemima, so sue me.

Oh, I forgot the most important criterion for any diet:

• one that makes my friend Gubby tell me I'm crazy

And if you think Gubby hasn't already told me that the Foolery Corn Diet is crazy, it's YOU who are crazy.

Buttermilk Pancakes The Hard Way

I will skimp on wine, good coffee beans, haircuts, clothing, music -- pretty much everything, but I will NOT skimp on pancakes.

Yes, I have a bag of Krusteaz in my cupboard, but it may have weevils, I don't know, because I insist on creating a shitload of dishes every time and making pancakes the long way.  My mom's recipe, sort of.  Mostly.  And it may be a standard Every Person In The World Has This Recipe, You Dumb Cluck, I don't know.  Please don't tell me, if it is.  Let me keep living this lie.  Take down this recipe as if it's really, really special.  Oooo and ahhhh as if I'm a culinary genius.

Get syrup in your hair and tell me about it.

So here it is:

Buttermilk Pancakes The Hard Way

You will need the following hardware:

• a large bowl
• a medium bowl
• a whisk
• a large spatula
• spoons and stuff
• a small squirrel
• a griddle, or at least a good frying pan
• a stove
• a kitchen

You will need the following edibles:

• 2 or 3 eggs, your decision (tick tock . . .)
• 1 1/4 cup buttermilf.  Damn, slip of the tongue.  BATTERMILF
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1 1/2 cups flour
• 1 tsp. salt
• 3/4 tsp. baking soda
• 2 tblsp. sugar
• 3 tblsp. butter, melted

First, separate the eggs.  Yolks go into the big bowl, whites go into the medium bowl.  Add the BATTERMILF* to the yolks, then the regular milf.*  Stir it up, baby, stir it up.  BUT NOT TOO MUCH!  (Did I scare you?  Sorry.)

Now for the dry ingredients.  Here's the weird part.  You can use regular flour, but I try to cram as much whole wheat flour into stuff as I can, so I use 1/2 cup each regular flour, whole wheat flour, and cake flour (for lightness).  This is NOT necessary, but is probably part of a larger illness I am refusing to acknowledge.  Dump 1 1/2 cups flour into a sifter, and add the salt, baking soda, and sugar.  Sift it right into the big bowl.  Stir it up, but only until it's just mixed -- still lumpier than a lazy advertising agency secretary's butt.  Now put it away and heat up your griddle -- 350F if you're particular, high heat then down to medium if you're sloppy.  I'm sloppy.

Melt that butter in the microwave -- how about 40 seconds on half power?  DON'T BOIL IT.  Let it cool off a minute while you beat the snot out of the egg whites.  Take your whisk and whip those whites into a froth.  Your forearms will thank me, and hate me.  Thank me.  Beat the whites until soft peaks form.  Or quit early; it's not that critical.  HA!

Sometimes I fold the egg whites in and then stir in the melted butter, and sometimes I do it the  other way around.  I'm sure there's a preferred way, but I'm here to tell you I have done both ways and it has not made a BIT of difference to my finished product, so you pick.  In any case, fold in the egg whites gently and mix in the butter only until it's mixed, not a second more.  Well, a second is okay.

Make your pancakes; you know the rest.  I think this should feed 5-6 normal people, or four gluttons.  You pick.  If you're in doubt, double the recipe.  Freeze the leftovers in a Zip-Loc.  Use real butter and pure maple syrup, or this whole dirty dish circus has been for naught.

* You do fnow I mean "buttermilk" and "milk," right?

Invasions Are Simpler to Plan Than Thanksgiving

We are gathering together -- all four siblings and the various children and grandparents and an uncle, from my side of the family -- for a major holiday, under one roof, for the first time EVER.  Next week.  In a rented cabin in Tahoe.  So the e-mails were flying today as we figure out who is bringing what.
 
My brother Bocci is a chef, and a master of food planning, prep and organization.  He's the one taking the bull by the horns.  You will be able to tell from his e-mails how commanding he is.  If he doesn't like your answer he just might make you cry (unless, of course, you're his big sister, and then you just write nasty things about him in your blog instead of crying).
 
I thought you might like to see what passes for communication in my family, so here are excerpts from the first round of e-mails.  There will probably be more, with accelerated levels of smartass and snarkiness, but this is only Round One.
 
Brother Bocci:  Hello All!  We're getting close to Thanksgiving, and I know there are a lot of questions.  I'm going to take the liberty of making some small assignments -- that will hopefully make everything easy for everyone.  If you disagree with the assignments, I'll be choosing where you sleep:
 

• ALL Parties - please bring two bottles of wine.  I should bring plenty of white, so red is great.  If you have a white or red you prefer, please don't be shy about bringing what you like, and we'll make sure that you get the lion's share!

(Photo stolen from this site)

• Beth - pumpkin pies.  Due to only one oven*, I won't be making them on Thursday.  Storebought pies are totally fine -- they actually do okay with pumpkin.  The Orlanders tell me that Costco makes a good pumpkin pie....  I also trust that you can bring some good coffee?  You're pretty swanky, so I think you'll do the best here.

Beth:  Swanky coffee and cheap pies - got it.  sniff.  2 bottles of wine somewhere in between?

Bocci:  What do you mean on the wine?  I'm bringing 12 bottles if you're concerned about volume.  With Dad there, I'd be concerned about volume.**

• Uncle - hors d'oeuvre stuff.  Cheese, meat, pate, crackers, nuts, etc.  Have a field day.  Remember you've got rednecks, so you might want some chips as well.

Uncle:  I'll bring saltines and cheese-whiz.  Anyone bringing jello?

(Photo stolen from this site)

• Laurie - first night's meal - lasagna!  Don't forget the no-cheese small one, too, plus some bread would be nice for carbo loading before bedtime.  You also are responsible for beer, as you live in Sierra Nevada territory, and not sure if we'll drink too much else.***  Anything special that your girls will want or need, in case they don't like my sloppy cooking.****

(Photo stolen from these guys)

• Mantel Man - bring dish gloves, as you're not getting off easy this time.  Also, your Baileys, Amaretto, and some of the more redneck snack stuff that you like.  Comics for my kids to read with you, and maybe some sugar of some sort.  Your tea as well.

 

(Photo stolen from this site)

• Mom is bringing gin and tonic and limes (I'm starting to think we won't need to turn the heat on).  Also, one breakfast.  That should keep you busy.  3 loaves sliced sourdough and one white for sandwiches.  If you make sugar cookies, you'll score big.

(Photo stolen from this site)

• The wife and I should have the rest.  Still working on Saturday night dinner idea, but I'll handle the Thanksgiving dinner, plus Friday night.  Anything else we can think of we'll let you know, but shouldn't be much.  Anything you want to bring, please feel free.

Beth:  Will bring extra food b/c my boys generally require their own refrigerator to store a weekend worth of eating.  And six signed copies of "Audacity of Hope".

 

(Photo stolen from these guys)

Bocci:  Bring a few dozen hot dogs for the boys to go with their light beer (kidding).  This is a Democrat free zone.*****  But we do like fluff (and People magazine), so please feel free to bring your Obama propaganda.  "Wow, this book is so light!"

Beth:  Can someone send the address?

Bocci:  The address  -- Bakersfield.******  And no damn canned whipped topping chemical crap.  I will bring the real stuff.

         

(Photo stolen from these guys)

Mom:  Hey, chef.  How's about your mother making a big stew for Saturday night, bringing it frozen, and Schwann frozen herb biscuits and green salad? 

Bocci:  Go green salad!  Blue cheese and walnut and balsamic dressing for me, please!

Mom:  And a cake (sheet) big enough for all of us.

Bocci:  Stew would be nice -- but I was thinking of a braised beef the night prior.  I could skip and do prime rib, though.  No frozen biscuits though -- bring 'em and you're out of the family.  Sheet cake great, but not too much sheet in mine, please.

        

Mom:  P.S.  Will you allow******* Beth to bring whipped cream in a can?  If so, I will tell her when I send her the directions to the house, which I am hoping to receive soon from youse guys.

Bocci:  Canned whipped cream only for whipits...I knew that hideous question would come up.  I have the technology to whip my own.

(Photo stolen from these guys)

        

Beth:  Since I agreed to my assignment, can I have a queen bed with feather pillows, south-facing windows, radiant flooring, turkish cotton towels, jacuzzi tub, and fresh pajamas?  Can't wait to see y'all,

Swanky
Director of Swanky Eating
Trader Joe's Eatery
Overpriced Bay Area, California

Laurie:  You DO realize that this is all going into the blog, don't you?  No?  Tough sheet.

        

Bocci:  To be read by nerds with perpetually runny noses, living in their mom's basement.  I can handle that.********

(Photo stolen from her)

 
* ONLY one oven.  This is how my brother the chef thinks.
 
** This is a joke.  Dad hardly drinks at all.  The rest of us, however, pull his load for him.

*** Chas is figuring an ounce per person per minute per waking hour.  Plus a little extra.
 
**** As if.
 
***** We run the gamut in our family, from almost Communist to not-quite-John Birch Society.  We tease each other quite a bit and no one seems offended, so don't you be offended, okay?
 
****** No it isn't.  We're going to Tahoe.
 
******* Check out that word, "allow."  Cut it out, Mom -- he's gonna get a swelled head!  We shoud be snapping him with towels and playing Hide From Bocci like the old days.
 
******** Obviously, Bocci has not met my readers.  Both of your are lovely, and certainly NOT runny-nosed basement-dwellers.  Although I wonder a bit about Bob Cleveland . . .