Foolery

Best Epic Event to Blow Off Since Y2K

(Photo stolen from these guys)

The solar eclipse just rolled through, and correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't that the biggest NONevent in the history of This Weekend?

I mean really. We live in the prime viewing zone for the thing, and *meh*. There were people who drove over SIX. MILES. to view it, or so I heard.

SUCKERS.

My daughters and I were out helping my dad put the door on the latest wing of his Winchester Mystery Bird House: The Chicken Wing, when we noticed that the light hitting grandpa had a rusty, metallic look to it. It's possible it was just my dad's effect on the sun, but we decided to be good sports anyway, and walk home to make a Pinhole Eclipse Viewing Thingy©.

Sparky opted to stay inside, close to the kitchen, when she found out Daddy had made corn on the cob for dinner, but Smedley and I rallied to the cause. We stabbed a sheet of paper, rushed outside, turned our backs to the solar mashup happening in the west, and . . . well, I tried to be Science Mom, but inside I was thinking, yeah. That's it, Smed. I'm pretty sure it's a big deal if your moniker ends in onomer or ologist or irley McLaine, but I'll wait for the internutz to spew forth the  PhotoShopped  spectacular versions, already showing up now.

But wait, what about all the stories we've been told about ancient people thinking solar eclipses were omens?

I Googled sloar eclispe effects on ancient poeple, then I did it right, and here's what I read:

"The Emperor Zhong Kang supposedly beheaded two astronomers, Hsi and Ho, who failed to predict an eclipse 4000 years ago."

"Eclipses have been interpreted as omens, or portents. The ancient Greek historian Herodotus wrote that Thales of Miletus predicted an eclipse that occurred during a war between the Medians and the Lydians. Both sides put down their weapons and declared peace as a result of the eclipse."

REALLY.

Forgive me my lack of imagination, but I'm having a hard time picturing Zhong Kang losing his cool over slightly rusty sunlight and fuzzy shadows. (Hsi and Ho must have deserved it.) So ancient people looked up and said, "Hey Shirley McLaine*, do you see what I see? The sunlight is 25% less intense! RELEASE THE HOUNDS!" And if eclipses could stop wars, Hell, we should have sent a lot of umbrellas into orbit YEARS ago.

I'm not usually such a troglodyte**, but I missed the word "annular" in all of the media build-up to this eclipse, so I was expecting something a bit more noticeable -- relative darkness and maybe a healthy downpour of frogs or blood or something. The average unprepared  Luddite  person, lacking good equipment and a scientist on hand, may have had the same experience we did.


(Photo stolen from these guys)

But things were looking up: there was still the corn on the cob.

*Thanks to Daryl for pointing out that I originally butchered the spelling of Shirley McLaine's name (DUHHHH)!

**Two things: I am sometimes such a troglodyte, but I'm also kind of pulling your leg here.

Goodbye to the King of All Wild Things

I didn't grow up with Maurice Sendak's books.

I was introduced to Where the Wild Things Are in my 20s, and I immediately bought the hardcover book. "For my children, someday," I said, but I didn't even know if I would have children. I really bought it because I loved it.



(Image stolen from this site)

My youngest brother once said that although he didn't like tattoos, if ever he were moved to get a tattoo, it would be of Max, from Where the Wild Things Are. I had to agree.



My daughters grew up with this book, and I'm so glad. We still read it now and then, and I probably always will.

Maurice Sendak passed away today. He left us with a great gift.

Way to Overlook the Obvious, Media

Consider this lede buried.

The Irony of Typing "News" and "Kardashian" Into the Same Search Bar Was Not Lost on Me

(Original photo stolen from this site)

Everything about Kim Kardashian is totally made up, and now so is her mind.


(Photo stolen from this site)

Possible reasons for her decision today to file for divorce from her husband of 72 days, Kris Humphries:

"He was, like, summer wear. It's fall now."

"Not enough Ks in his name."

"He was very shiny 72 days ago. He's not shiny anymore."

"Wait, what was the question?"

Sorry. I'm Pre-Occupied.

So Stay in School and Don't Skip the Algebra, You Knuckleheads!

If you don't know who Harold Camping is, bless you -- you're ahead of the curve. Soon no one else will, either.

(Original AP photo stolen from these guys) 

The Situation Room Was Tense

Huh. Navy Seals, "Dancing With the Stars" . . . whatever.

I Can't Keep These Two Straight -- Which One Has Tiger Blood?

I struggled over adding to this week's swirl of media surrounding Charlie Sheen, but I have zero qualms about slinging mud at Moammar al-Gaddafi, outrageous liar, despot and murderer that he is. And while these two men are vastly different people with vastly different demons, somehow, they sounded an awful lot alike to me all week. I'm not sure why this works so well, but it does. At least, it does in my head, but maybe that's because I have no Adonis DNA?

(Photos grabbed from Charlie Sheen interviews with Piers Morgan of CNN, Andrea Canning of ABC, and NBC's Jeff Rossen)

(Entire Gaddafi interview with Jeremy Bowen of the BBC, Christiane Amanpour of ABC, and the Sunday Times of London, found here) 

I personally transcribed all quotes but one (and I can't remember which one) to be sure they were exact. While I've been working on this abstraction for days, I recognize that I'm not the first to draw the parallel between these two delusional public figures this week. For a wry take on this subject, check out this site.

Splendor in the Doldrums

You may have heard about the recent fire on Carnival Cruise Line's largest ship, Splendor, which resulted in a loss of electricity and civilized living conditions on board.



While the nearly 4500 passengers and crew members made the best of things, some took the crisis harder than others.

Gourmands, for instance.



Residents of Haiti, for example, who probably wouldn't have minded an airdrop of mini croissants and Spam.



But the group who had the hardest time of all were bloggers, Tweeters and others with various internet addictions. For those people, two days without a cell signal or an on-line connection became one of Dante's nine circles of Hell.



On the other hand, none of the honeymoon couples had any idea that any crisis had occurred and were quite surprised to find that the ship had been towed into San Diego this morning.


(Original photo stolen from these guys; all other photos stolen from Kansas City Star)

We're happy you're all home safe. A tip of the hat to the Mexican tug boats and to the U.S. Navy.

Nepal 1, Fooleryland 0

(Photo stolen from these guys)

In other news, Nepal has 3G high-speed internet before I do. Yeah, that's just about right.


(Original photo stolen from these guys)

Our chickens are getting pretty irritated at slow uploads to their Facebook pages.

You're Drunk in Santa Barbara

Let's pretend.

You're drunk in Santa Barbara, early in the morning.

You: Think I'll go for a drive.

 


(Original photo stolen from this site)

You get into your car and head north on Highway 101. You take the Hope Street off-ramp a leeeetle recklessly, side-swiping the concrete guard rail.

You: Whazzzat?

Then you clip a metal street light.

You: That didn't needa be there!

A quarter of a mile farther on Hope street and Calle Real, you hit a hydrant.

You: They put that WAY too close to the shtreet.

You didn't just hit the hydrant, you snapped it off at the base.

You: It'sh RAINING allashudden?

A plume of water soared 50-60 feet into the air from the broken hydrant.

You: It'sh reeeally raining. I better get home.

 

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

You leave the scene, but your front bumper and license plate stay behind.

You: Car'sh runnin' kinda rough today.

You drive home and tuck your car into the garage before going inside to sleep it off.

You: Shleep tight, little car -- hey, whuthahell happened to my bumper?!

You are awakened by Officers Beltran and Gaston.

You: Wha' kin I do fer you gennnelmen?

 

(Original photo stolen from this guy)

The officers had followed a trail of automotive fluids right to your closed garage door, where they promptly arrest you for DUI, hit-and-run, driving on a suspended license, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

You: I was ffframed.

Depending upon your ability to pretend, you may or may not now be behind bars and the girlfriend of a big dude named Walter. You may wanna stop pretending now.

This really happened (mostly) in December in Santa Barbara, and you can read the report here if you'd like.

Thanks to Matt at PlanetSantaBarbara.com for posting this link on Facebook for my great amusement.
 

And Now for Some Gratuitous Nudity

This story in the Record-Searchlight caught my eye this morning and I wanted to share.

First, some background . . . do you remember the movie "Calendar Girls" from 2004?* According to the stringent research I conducted for, like, 10-12 minutes, in 1999 a group of women of Yorkshire, England, created a calendar featuring artfully-posed photos of themselves naked as jaybirds.

 


This guy is naked as the day he was hatched.  (Illustration stolen from this site)

The fundraiser for leukemia research was a huge success despite the fact (actually because of the fact) that none of the women fit the contemporary ideal of a pin-up girl. The bravery and good humor of the women appealed to tens of thousands of people enough that they willingly pried open their wallets to buy.

 
 

(Photo stolen from these guys)

Well, apparently the little mountain town of Weaverville has a group of merchants (both men and women) trying the same approach. It's hard enough being a merchant without having all of your customers drive down the hill to a bigger town to shop, so I think these people are used to taking extreme steps to keep people's attention.

Like, getting naked, apparently.

(Photo stolen from the Trinity County Visitor's Guide site)

The best part of all of this is that it is
a fundraiser.
You guessed that, right? Well, it is. Weaverville was dealt a devastating blow September 12th when the Trinity River Lumber mill burned, and wiped out a significant source of revenue for the area. You can read about recovery efforts here because my 12 minutes of research time are up. Buying a calendar will help these people financially in a very tough time, plus, you get a naked calendar. Win-win.

I'm calling them to get a calendar for my office wall. Remind me to post a photo of it when it gets here. Who's with me?



*I haven't seen the movie, nor do I have any connection to the town of Weaverville, California, other than driving through it when heading to the redwoods.

He Must Already Have His Helmet

(Photo stolen from Wright at New York Daily News)

This photo came up on my news page today. This 90-year-old man got his sight back! What a fantastic story.

There's just one problem.

What in the world is this photo about?

Do you see the problem? Discuss.

Thousands Flock to Staples Center

It doesn't matter if they're black or white.




(Photo stolen from these guys)

The Events of the Day As Seen Through the Eyes of One Twitterer

I watched in fascination today as this man, a stranger to me, seemed to come undone on Twitter, as it became clear to the world that Michael Jackson was gone, not coming back. I don't know this Twitterer. All I know about him is that he has an extensive military background. I would not have pegged him as someone who would get his legs kicked out from beneath him by this news, but I would have been wrong.

The following Tweets appeared this afternoon on Twitter amid a sea of OMGs and RIPs and sales pitches and nervous jocularity, in a period of about two hours. The only thing omitted from this man's Tweets are identifying links.

Michael Jackson rushed to hospital http://bit.ly/1WsqG

Pop icon Michael Jackson has been rushed to L.A. hospital in cardiac arrest, according to CNN affiliate KTLA.

If someone does not get attention within 3 to 5 minutes for a cardiac arrest, they mostly likely will not live. It is not a heart attack

Michael Jackson... I am patiently waiting for further confirmed news.

Michael Jackson... has died.

Michael Jackson was always that young Michael Jackson. I cannot fathom this. This is such bad news. I am very upset.

I cannot believe Michael Jackson has died.

He had changed 100s of millions. 100,000,000+ people. Even after his gloomy days in trial, he had already influenced enough.

Michael was 50.

I am devastated. 

 

WHO On Verge of Declaring H1N1 Flu Pandemic*

GENEVA (Reuters) – The WHO is on the verge of declaring the first influenza pandemic in more than 40 years, but wants to ensure countries are well prepared to prevent a panic, a top flu expert said on Tuesday. "The last thing we need is a stampede," said an anonymous source close to the band.

The WHO are working hard to prepare for a pandemic, for instance developing vaccines and building up supplies of anti-viral drugs, said a spokesman Tuesday. Also, passing out earplugs and Bic lighters.

(Photo stolen from these guys)

In a related story, Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones has volunteered his services giving flu shots. "We're all meant to do what we're good at, you know?" said Richards Tuesday.

*This is a parody. I am completely lying. The WHO has probably never even heard of The Who, much less Keith Richards. Carry on.

Dr. Doolittle Was Here

It seems that the Swine Flu

has missed me, at least for the time being. I'm surprised, actually, since the Chicken Pox



got me twice, and who could doubt that Mad Cow Disease



has already made swiss cheese of my gray matter?

The Rhinovirus

 
is my enemy. Bird Flu

is waiting in the wings, so to speak. I'm just lucky I was sort of a milkmaid as a girl, or Cow Pox

would have taken me out, for sure.



I'm healthy as a horse, actually. I just don't like zoos.

Foolery Explains Swine Flu: The WHO Is On The Case

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

Some of you may have heard about a health problem called the Swine Flu. As an official Hick Who Has Actually Seen a Pig And Perhaps Even Touched It, I Don't Recall, I would like to shed some light on the situation.

People, people, people. It's NOT time to panic! Pigs are nothing to be afraid of.

Wait, what's that? It's not a pig problem? But how . . . ? Oh, ahem, okay. 'Scuse me. Back on track here.

Okay, so Swine Flu? Is apparently not about pigs. Forget that.

Swine Flu is an illness you get from eating pork.

Stop it, you're hurting me! Jeeze louise, don't kick me under the table when I'm talking to my -- well whaddya mean pork meat doesn't cause the Swi -- really? It doesn't? Oh. It really is a flu bug? Oh.

Ahem. So . . . right. Not from pork. Heh heh heh . . . ju-u-u-ust testin' ya. Apparently the Swine Flu is really a flu-like illness people get from going to Mexico.

OWWWWWWWWW! Dammit, DON'T KICK ME AGAIN! I swear -- huh? What? But half of Mexico is -- are you sure? But that's the way it sounds on the news . . . all right . . . just . . . BACK OFF, I mean it!

Turns out you DON'T get Swine Flu from going to Mexico, necessarily. But there's one thing everyone agrees on: the World Health Organization (the WHO) is working overtime on the Swine Flu outbreak. It's been pretty tough sledding for The WHO since there are only two of them, but really? How much help would Keith Moon have been, anyway?

(Photo stolen from The Who's official web site)

Right, right? SEE? I know this one! Okay, no more kicking.

In a speech before, um, a bunch of people today, at 5:15, WHO spokesman and pretty cool guitarist Pete Townsend said, "We just want to make sure the kids are alright. There's no substitute for caution. Anyway, anyhow, anywhere, avoid crowded places where germs congregate, like public transportation. Stay off the Magic Bus. Sneeze on your elbow. Stuff like that."

I rock at this citizen journalist stuff. OW!

Here's A Problem You'd Forgotten About

With apologies to anyone and everyone who's ever seen, heard, loved, and even hated "The Sound of Music."

He dines on lobster every day
Lives large without a care
With starving people on the ground
And missiles in the air
And though he's dressed austerely
He has Elvis Presley hair
Aboard his private train around the country

He's really into movies
Such as "Rambo" and "Top Gun"
He kidnapped a director
So he'd have a pet for fun
I hate to have to say it
But I think his time is done
Kim Jong-Il's not an asset to the country

I'd like to say a word in his behalf
Kim Jong-Il makes me laugh

How do you solve a problem like Korea?
Where'll his nuclear cloud be coming down?
How do we side-step war with North Korea?
The flibbertijibbet! The will-o'-the wisp! The clown!

Many a starving soul would like to shell him
Many of us would opt to lend a hand
But how do you make him stay
For, "Go ahead -- make my day"
How do you train the cross hairs on this man?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Korea?
How 'bout we ship him to Afghanistan?

Treating AIG Like the Rotten Child It Is

(Photo stolen from this site)

I'm certain I shouldn't be running the country.

That could be why no one has asked me to take over, but it's only a guess. Still, I have several ideas for how to handle the current banking crisis.

Let's look at the AIG debacle just revealed, shall we? That's a company getting a BUTTLOAD of money from the government, right? So what was revealed this weekend -- they're giving the very people in their company who worked in the problem part of the company (that would be the part who handled anything other than mops and toilet paper, presumably) BIG FAT RAISES!

Yes, you heard about this, right? Obama's ticked off. I'll just bet Mrs. Obama is steamed! I know I am.

Here's what they say about it, and please hear this in the voice of a six-year-old who doesn't want to go to bed:

". . . but we CA-A-AN'T just not give them their BO-O-O-ONUSES; they have CO-O-O-ONTRA-A-A-ACTS!"

Let's ask a few random United Auto Workers about honoring contracts, shall we? Hey boys, how're your pensions looking these days? Perhaps the AIG weenies would like to talk to some UAW folks to find out how best to break those contracts?

Oh, I see, so you've ALREADY given them their bonuses?  Please, feel free to choose one of these solutions, then.

• Employees may choose to receive their bonuses . . . or keep their jobs. Good luck out there on the job market when the name AIG shows up on your resume.

• Employees can have their bonuses in ten easy installments, which must be picked up at the local unemployment office. I predict gauntlets will form.

• Employee bonuses will take the form of AIG stock. Yeah, good luck with that.

• Employees eligible for bonuses will be made offers they can't refuse to opt out of -- willingly, of course.

• Names of employees receiving bonuses will be publicized.

• All AIG bonuses will be subtracted from all monies paid to AIG executives so the net loss to the taxpayers is zero.

I'm sure I could keep going, but I'd like to keep a few in reserve for when the administration calls to ask my advice.