WARNING: Extremely Gross Discussion of Potentially Exploding Cows

Here's a problem you don't have: what to do with those pesky farm animals who inconveniently die on you?

The answer is "call the tallow works,"* but the problem is deeper than that. If, hypothetically, you're in your yard in hot pursuit of a chicken, and you glance way out in the east pasture and see an unnaturally girthy cow lying on her side, you may or may not notice her. But if, on this hypothetical Saturday morning, you notice the girthy cow in the first place because she has a buzzard balanced on her tummy, you do what I would do. You'd say, "Oh, crap" and go inside to call the cow's owner. Hypothetically, my father.

"Dead cow way out in the east pasture, Dad."

"Oh, okay. Thanks."

Later you'll probably see the cow's owner headed way out into the pasture on his tractor, and this is where the trouble starts. The dearly departed cow will need to be moved out from under the cloud of buzzards to a new location -- one with good access to a road, allowing a large garbage-truck-looking vehicle enough room to easily scoop her up -- stiff as a very large cow-shaped piñata -- and deposit her into the bin on the back of the truck. Officially this truck is in the employ of the rendering company ("tallow works"). Unofficially this truck is called The Dead Wagon. You don't want to be caught driving on a narrow country road, stuck behind The Dead Wagon. It's no fun to drive for over a mile, plugging your nose,  with no way to pass, eyes riveted on a cow leg sticking out of the truck like an umbrella adorning a tropical drink.

A dead cow is no big problem if the cow expires right in front of you. You know she's gone; you have time to call for The Dead Wagon before she becomes stinky. This is a very big problem if the cow didn't tell anybody she was dying and was discovered after, oh, maybe five or six hot July days. She could potentially explode out there in the midday sun of the Back Forty.

So after having been discovered and subsequently towed behind a tractor through the pasture, back to civilization, the Cow Piñata waits for her Monday retrieval in a very convenient place, such as, oh, I don't know, maybe the access lane by my house. The access lane is convenient to the road and accessible to the huge Dead Wagon, which will rumble in on Monday, probably, maybe, we can only hope. The pièce de résistance of this tale is that the access lane, at least at MY house, is just on the other side of the fence closest to the master bedroom.

Yeah, my bedroom. The windows are shut tight and we haven't been outside for more than a sprint across the road all Saturday -- and then we were breathing through our mouths and holding our breath. Sunday will be another hot day of extra fun. I hope the Cow Piñata doesn't explode.

Hypothetically, of course.

*Tallow works, or rendering plant -- a company which recycles dead animals into useful stuff, but that's another story entirely.

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[Ostin]

I had no idea a dead cow could actually explode, but now it sound pretty much logical. I hope you and your farm are okay. Keep watching the cows thoroughly:)

[Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food]

The Dead Wagon! *snort* Gotta say, I don't recall this happening in all my years growin' up on the farm.

[foolery]

Kinda shakes your foundations, doesnt it, CBW? Were really not as cute and cuddly as we portray ourselves here in Fooleryland. ; )

[foolery]

I think she was more of a Mona, Daryl. Hypothetically.

[foolery]

Gramps, Im terribly sorry. Time to shave the dogs and stock up on tomato juice.

[foolery]

Deepest sympathies, Faux-Baby. Have you come back to your olfactory senses yet?

[foolery]

Of course, hypothetically, Ricks Cafe. Pretty much everything we discuss here in Fooleryland is hypothetical. So much easier to clean up the mess that way.

Can I borrow your hypothetical slingshot?

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

O.
M.
G.

[Daryl aka Big Apple]

phew, thanks be Elsie, this was all hypothetical

[GRAMPS]

I am Citified---and I like it that way. Can't imagine a dead cow outside my bedroom window
However, recently the skunks have been out-and-about. Two of my dogs have been skunked in recent weeks. It's amazing how much they can screw up my Citified life when they get back into the house before I smell them

[fauxmccoy]

oh gaaaaaawd! i remember the horror! mostly from when my horse wahoo bought the farm. truly, the worst thing i remember was driving somewhere a couple of years ago behind the off-red montero bros 'meat wagon' with no room to pass for MILES and MILES on a hot summer day. you summed it all up just perfectly.

[Rick's Cafe]

Good thing you don't have several young boys living close by. Ya know tha age, when they walk around all day with sling-shots in their pockets just itchin' for something fun/different to shoot.
Not that I would know anything about things like that - hypothetcially.

[foolery]

Ha ha ha -- I wish said hyena luck getting a toothhold. It would be like biting a taut leather Volkswagen.

[Bob Cleveland]

Say wouldn't it be fun to turn a hyena loose on a fully blimpified cow, just to see the expression on his face, after the first bite?

As he was passing over your house?