A No Punctuation Wednesday Actually On a Wednesday

Here it is you have been WAITING for this I know you have
another
No Punctuation Wednesday ACTUALLY ON A WEDNESDAY
which is rare as hens teeth
yup
because OH MY DARNIT were my brains scrambled last night from The Busy
and they are still almost soft boiled
but you wanna know what happened
here goes
I verbally abused a band teacher
there I said it
yes I did
although it was sort of an accident since I did NOT know he was the band teacher
the one who was at that minute gearing up to lead
oh
about a million
squirming kids from fourth grade through high school
from five different schools
in a band concert in front of their parents
friends
relatives
neighbors
parole officers
sweethearts
and the town gossips
yes in front of Too Many Locals
in a high school gym
I stepped onto a bleacher at half court
and the damned thing was NOT locked and it slid and my shin bone slammed into the seat above it and if I had been turned funny or had slipped I could very easily have broken my leg and
did I cry
I did not but did my adrenaline shoot up
yes it did and so I turned and saw two men in ties standing feet away from me and thought
PRINCIPAL
and said to the first one
what I had intended to come out all flirty like
Oh You Look Like Somebody Important And Could You Please Help Me Find Someone To Lock This Mutha Down
what was supposed to be all sweet
came out as
ARE YOU SOMEBODY IMPORTANT
in my overly adrenalized condition
and this man in a tie sort of blinked at me and basically said
NOT MY JOB
which I was to find out later was exactly true
but which
IN MY ADRENALIZED STATE
sounded like small minded horseshit to me
and I got a little cranky
yes I did
I said well can you please direct me to a good person to talk to so some person doesnt do what I just did but this time break her leg and fall down and maybe SUE THE SCHOOL
because that would stink do we agree
and he deferred AGAIN
which enraged me but when he then said
well no one is supposed to be sitting or walking here anyway because I need to sit here to twiddle these knobs
he didnt say twiddle these knobs I just made that up
then I really wanted to pour syrup on his head and stand him on an anthill
BUT
instead I said
Well how would anyone know THAT when there are no signs indicating that
and also the danger thing and
why dont you go get some tape and I will MARK IT OFF FOR YOU
like DO NOT SIT HERE BECAUSE INEFFECTUAL ADMINISTRATIVE TYPE NEEDS TO SIT HERE TO TWIDDLE KNOBS AND ALSO IT IS A DEATH TRAP
I didnt say that but I thought it
so I sat myself down in a huff right there
next to the spot where Knob Twiddle Man had staked his territory
yes I did and I told every person who started up the bleachers at half court
Watch Out Because These Slide And If You Need To Lean On A Shoulder I Am Your Man
just like a Eunice Flabbea type of busybody would do

so then the concert started and guess who got up with a baton in his hand and led a bunch of squirmy children in a Concert C note
yup you guessed it
The Knob Twiddle Man
who at that moment I realized was the sainted Mister Grahn
the band teacher
Smedleys band teacher
and I realized that the reason he was so unhelpful was that he was possibly heavily dosed in enough horse tranquilizers just to get through such an evening
I know I would have been
and he does not actually work at the school and really has no idea what goes on with bleachers and I am POSITIVE he thought I was a cranky bitchy Eunice Flabbea type of busybody who needed to sit the hell down and leave poor syrupy antcovered band teachers the hell alone until their elephant tranquilizers wear off

I was mortified
I was chastened
I was still mad about the stupid bleachers
I was trying to work up a good hematoma on my shin but no luck there
I was meek as a mouse and listened quietly to the variety of sounds masquerading as Concert C

until
the concert ended and after a bunch of local people had had their chance to pound poor Mister Grahn on the back and tell him what a good job he did and thank him
then it was my turn

I introduced myself
Hi I owe you an apology
I am not usually difficult
and that was wonderful by the way
but I thought you were the Principal
or at least someone who might know what a Principal looked like
and I took it out on you
and I am so so sorry
you didnt deserve that just before going on
and certainly not until all the tranquilizers wore off and how many did you take
no I didn't say that last one
but I thought it
And I am Smedeys mom
and I hope this wont affect her chance of passing your class
I didnt say that either
but I thought it

Comments

[Suburban Kamikaze]

A nice bit of poetry if not parenting

SK

[gramps]

My age and English Mother upbringing prohibits me from commenting on knob twisting

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

Ants I can't talk about those and there seems to be a whole lot of knob twiddlin' goin' on here thanks for the laughter and the freedom to avoid punctuation it's great except i just realized i had to use apostrophes sorry 'bout that

good stuff here ms foolery

[foolery]

Rick, youre a band teacher, arent you?

: )

[Rick's Cafe]

"They've" got you right where they want you now!!! Bwaahhaaaaa.
Do you really think that the voice of one adult (even female) could faze the composure of a man who deals with children abusing instruments to the point they can no longer be called musical?
Or even the "back to school night" where the parents get to tag-team against the mean, inconsiderate and obviously tone deaf teacher that won't let their child prodigy solo....or even get a passing grade?
Nope, the next time you have a discussion with this teacher that involves anything but giving him lots or money, time or both....he'll look thoughfully into your eyes and ask.... "How's that leg?" ....and you'll open up your checkbook quicker that a teenager opens a date's (edit, edit) at a drive-in-movie :)

[foolery]

Oh GAHHHHHH I love you all
alla youse guys
And some day I will tell you what I know of Eunice Flabbea
though I will need help from a couple of journo-type friends
I am looking at YOU Gubby
and Brian
and Kevin
and Pho
and Mantel Man I had no idea you knew about Eunice
Did you twiddle Eunices knobs once without telling me
MWAHHHH
Love from Laurie

[Daryl]

I am so glad I didnt read this whilst drinking or swallowing because I laughed so out loud I am sure yes I am I am sure I would have done the exact same thing but I would have cried and I would have had a hematoma and needed massive amounts of pain meds yes I would and I dont even know Eunice Flabbea but I am in love with her name so who cares

[Meg]

Oh, yeah, Eunice, we've all been there. I totally needed some laugh-out-loud funny this morning - thank you for that. Oh, and sorry 'bout your shin. And your mortification.

[Mantel Man]

I think you may need to switch to decaf and I would like to find a syrupy band teacher and twiddle her knobs and by the way you probably need to explain to your readers just who the hell Eunice Flabbea is but only after the crystal meth wears off and also do not tell them I know who she is cause its embarrassing