Today, class, we shall make ice cream. Yes we will, and there will be no cooking it, and no sniveling about salmonella, either. We like our eggs RAW in our ice cream here in Fooleryland.
First, you'll need a few things. Get your "Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream & Dessert Book."
Turn to pages 28-29, the Sweet Cream Bases pages. This is all you need to know about making ice cream. With this you can make anything, but you'll need vanilla, too. I prefer Sweet Cream Base #1.
It helps to have random car keys, some old batteries and a Tiffen filter, apparently. Do you have your ice cream freezer? I like the old Rival that I bought at K-Mart years ago for about $25. I don't think you can improve upon it, so don't spend a fortune. You will also need salt -- table salt, if you have the Rival model, rock salt for some other models -- and a bag of ice (not pictured; I'm counting on your collective imaginations).
Let's assemble your ingredients. I was making two batches this day; ignore the photo because everything was doubled.
2 large eggs
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 cups heavy or whipping cream
1 cup milk
2 tsp. real vanilla
First, get a big whisk and whisk the eggs in a big mixing bowl until light and fluffy, 1-2 minutes. We call this the "snot in a bowl" stage, which is even worse if it were just egg whites. Everybody say EWWWWWWWWW.
Whisk in the sugar, a little at a time, then continue whisking until completely blended, about 1 minute more. When a problem comes along, you must whisk it . . . It will be thick and yellow and gluey. Everybody say MMMMMMMMMM.
Pour in the cream and milk and whisk to blend. Now this is important: VANILLA. Even when I make fruit ice creams, I add vanilla, though only half as much. 2 teaspoons will make you everybody's friend and you don't need chocolate or sprinkles or NUTHIN'. REAL VANILLA, BABY.
Pour the batter (which will be thin, like a melted milkshake) into the ice cream maker canister, and push the ice cream paddle into place. (Not gonna go into this too deeply because every brand's paddle is different.)
Put the canister lid on tight and put it into the bucket. Now comes the fun part: alternate ice and table salt, ice and table salt, until the ice bucket is pretty full. Hurry, though; your ice cream will start to freeze and it'll get stuck if you don't shake a leg.
Pop the motor onto the top, clamp it down and plug it in. It should start to turn that canister right away. The noise will be unbearable, so have a glass of courage, but you must be within earshot of the thing as it churns. Why? because after 20 minutes or so, when the ice cream is almost done, the motor will begin slogging. All of a sudden it will stop turning -- it's literally frozen stopped -- and you need to unplug it quick before you burn out the motor.
Don't freak out; it's not half as scary as I make it sound. I'm a drama queen.
Get that canister out quick, pull out the paddle and get the ice cream served or into the freezer.
YOU GET TO LICK THE PADDLE -- I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, PEOPLE. Do not let urchins con you out of your divine right.
That's it, you did it! But read up beforehand if you decide to make a flavored ice cream, as there is some special prep, especially for fruit. Makes one generous quart, or enough to get you through one episode of "Mad Men." Maybe.