No News Is Good News

My brother Mantel Man sent me this last night and I had a coughing fit from laughing. And as usual he wrote it in only 20 minutes. Jerk.


 
(Photo stolen from Tannis Toohey/Toronto Star)

Some NPR news program was interviewing a Canadian stand-up comic about his recently being offered a job at a brand-new conservative news network being created in our neighbor to the north. Officially it will be Sun TV News, but people are informally referring to it as "Fox News North." 

I was struck not so much by the comic's obvious sense of "us" and "them" (and his surprise at being invited to work with "them") as I was about his apparent wonder at who in the world (or at least in Canada) will be consumers of that kind of network. It got me thinking about the varying perspectives of different news outlets, and I imagined how those networks might report on current events in, say, Afghanistan:

 

(Logo stolen from these guys) 

"Next on CNN: two more U.S. troops were killed today in Afghanistan, bringing this month's total to 14. Anderson Cooper will take you live to the homes of the families, with some extreme closeups of women crying, and Anderson will debut his new theme music."

 
(Banner stolen from Fox News)

"Later on Fox News: Bill O'Reilly interviews three different heads of state about the political situation in Afghanistan, and tells them why he is right and they are all idiots."

 

(Logo stolen from this guy)

"Next up on MSNBC: a small earthen dam breaks in Helmand Province, killing two farmers. We'll tell you why it's all Dick Cheney's fault."

 
(Logo stolen from these guys)

"Next on Al Jazeera: courageous American journalist Helen Thomas, speaking for President Obama, admits that the slaughter of innocent young Muslim men in Afghanistan is all the fault of Jewish U.S. troops."

 
(Original image stolen from these guys)

"Tomorrow on NPR's 'All Things Considered': we learn about a young man from Kandahar and the daily challenges he faces as a gay poet in this conservative society."

Yikes. I wonder what the new Canadian news network would report: 

 
(Photo stolen from these guys)

"Next on Sun TV News: Prime Minister Steven Harper appeared, along with two other heads of state, on the Fox News show 'The O'Reilly Factor.' The PM explained to his host that although the new Canadian network is informally called 'Fox News North,' we'll have difficulty publicly comparing our programmes to O'Reilly's because in Canada you still can't say the word 'ass' on the air."

And that's the way it is -- or at least the way it seems sometimes. But at least the U.S. television news networks have the good sense to hire supermodels instead of comedians.

 
(Collage stolen from this site) 

Comments

[noe noe girl]

Very well done indeed!
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[Audubon Ron]

That's why they call it "Fox" news, silly. ;)

[Meg]

super models, prom queens, cheerleaders...
"We got the bubbleheaded bleach-blonde, comes on at 5
She can tell you about the plane crash with a gleam in her eye
It's interesting when people die, give us dirty laundry"

[gramps]

A classic!!!!!! Well done

[Rick's Cafe]

And I thought I was the only one in the US who had heard about the new station up north. Great summary!

Face Foolery, guys get done in 2 minutes what takes girls 1/2 an hour. So 20 minutes is... well... something that would curl your toes.