NUKE ‘EM ALL

My computer at home had a stroke, and I had no aspirin on hand, so we're gonna try some after-care tonight and hope it works. In the meantime, here is a little something my brother Mantel Man (a.k.a. Field Marshal Butthead on this day, apparently) sent me a few weeks ago. I'm just getting around to sharing it now. Yes, I am a Lame-O. And also, this post took Mantel Man/Butthead all of twenty minutes to write. It's taken me all lunch hour to post it. The butthead.

 

(Original photo used with permission from hebster, commons.wikipedia.org) 

If you laughed at Laurie’s recent posting about a slice of cake practicing self-immolation in a microwave, you may be interested to know that microwave popcorn has a similar sense of nihilism.

 

(Original photo used with permission from Andrew Butko at Wikimedia Commons)

When I removed a packet from its outer plastic wrapper and heard the light “clack” of two or three kernels hitting the floor, I realized that the paper cooking pouch had a small tear in it.  Being resourceful, and not overly fond of gathering popped corn from all over the inside of the microwave, I placed the pouch into a larger brown paper bag and put the whole thing on the cooking plate.

I now realize that I had become complacent.  After about two minutes of nuking, I came back to check on the food’s progress and saw the entire oven’s interior engulfed in orange flames and the exterior vent grill above the door beginning to melt.  The oven was still going and I had to hit the “stop” button, but after dousing the flames with a soaked towel, opening every door and window in the house, and cleaning up the carnage, I tried to revive my trusty appliance and found that it had been successfully assassinated.

Fortunately this popcorn was the “Lite” version, with 60% less fat than regular butter-flavored microwave popcorn.  The regular stuff must be what the Green Berets used in Afghanistan to get the bad guys out of those mountain caves.  If I’d put that in my micro, I might be living in a refugee camp now.

You could say it was the first successful suicide-bombing of a major appliance in U.S. history.  Sure, the enemy martyred 300 of its own lite kernels, but they also took out my five-star General Electric.  I showed ‘em, though: the very next day another one was recruited to take its place.  We must show resolve:  if we lose the right to have a simple pleasure like microwave popcorn, then the terrorists win.

 

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

Signed,

Field Marshal Butthead

Comments

[Bob Cleveland]

Oh. It wasn't SELF-immolation. That was capital punishment for Betty Crocker.

[Meg]

Lest you think it's safer to pop popcorn the ye olde fashioned waye on the stove? It isn't. I set a pan with some oil on the stove to heat up and, um, got a little distracted. I'll leave it at that, except to offer that smoke and a few wee flames ensued.

You don't ever want to be the person who forgets the popcorn in the office microwave. Just like you didn't want to be the kid who puked at school before making it to the bathroom.

Sorry, popcorn and puke. My bad.

[MommyTime]

BTW, CBW's comment is brilliant. (And I'm sorry about your cake incident too. On donkeys in the yard, did you ever read *David Copperfield*? If not, I'll send you the relevant passage. It's enough to make you snort yourself silly laughing.)

[MommyTime]

My first experience with a microwave was as a teenaged babysitter -- when I warmed the homemade hot fudge that had been kindly left for me in a tupperware container, and thoroughly melted the container into the pool of fudge collecting on the microwave plate. I tried to salvage the fudge without perceptible plastic in it because HOME MADE HOT FUDGE over icecream! But it tasted a little off. I was mortified.

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

Bravo!

For showing such resolve, resiliencey and perseverance in the flaming heat of battle, Field Marshall Butthead needs to be promoted to Kernel.

[Marlene]

I needed to laugh like this so much! Not at you...but with you. Sounds like something I would do and then write about it. What? I ain't scared to admit it. Next time though, dump the contents into a pot with a top and cook it on the stove top...it actually works. Just sayin'....

[Rick's Cafe]

This description stinks!
...so bad, that I've been forced to get up and see if my microwave is burning too!
Tooooo funny!

[Mental P Mama]

So that's what that smell was...