"How about a basic public option that includes free annual check-ups, breast exams, colonoscopies, etc., for all. Everyone gets one free ambulance ride a year, sirens and lights on if you've eaten all your vegetables. Ibuprofen and back massages are free. Oprah pays for everything else. You're welcome."
That's what I posted on Facebook the other night. I've been giving this a lot of thought and here are some more ideas:
- Pain meds will be paid for by your congressional representatives, since they are the source of most pains.
(Photo stolen from these guys)
- Cardiac care will be free to non-smokers who are thin, drug-free, eat no red meat, and have no prior history of heart disease. The cost for everyone else's heart care will be split among the parties who most benefit from unhealthy lifestyles: fast food restaurants and Maury Povich.
(Photo stolen from this guy)
- People on waiting lists for medical care will move into group homes and will be subjected to 24-hour video taping for TV shows like "The Biggest Loser," "The Real World: Organ Transplants" and "Survivor: Omaha." Advertising revenues raised will fund the contestants' care (if they make it).
(Photo stolen from her)
- Boob jobs and tummy tucks will go from being elective surgery to mandatory for most women. I don't know where the money will come from to pay for that but I know that you won't hear a whole lot of argument from men. Or women.
This is as far as I've gotten. I think it's workable. I hope I can count on your vote.