The Foolery Health Plan, Devised Late At Night With Two Brains Tied Behind My Back

"How about a basic public option that includes free annual check-ups, breast exams, colonoscopies, etc., for all. Everyone gets one free ambulance ride a year, sirens and lights on if you've eaten all your vegetables. Ibuprofen and back massages are free. Oprah pays for everything else. You're welcome."

That's what I posted on Facebook the other night. I've been giving this a lot of thought and here are some more ideas:

• Pain meds will be paid for by your congressional representatives, since they are the source of most pains.

(Photo stolen from these guys)

• Cardiac care will be free to non-smokers who are thin, drug-free, eat no red meat, and have no prior history of heart disease. The cost for everyone else's heart care will be split among the parties who most benefit from unhealthy lifestyles: fast food restaurants and Maury Povich.

(Photo stolen from this guy)

• People on waiting lists for medical care will move into group homes and will be subjected to 24-hour video taping for TV shows like "The Biggest Loser," "The Real World: Organ Transplants" and "Survivor: Omaha." Advertising revenues raised will fund the contestants' care (if they make it).

(Photo stolen from her)

• Boob jobs and tummy tucks will go from being elective surgery to mandatory for most women. I don't know where the money will come from to pay for that but I know that you won't hear a whole lot of argument from men. Or women.

This is as far as I've gotten. I think it's workable. I hope I can count on your vote.

Comments

[Kyddryn]

I'll trade someone my boob job for some lipo...any takers?? I don't want more boob I want less arse.

Miz Foolery, you're too cute...I was just recalling the bad old days with some friends...you know...when the cure for what ailed you was dry toast and flat ginger-ale and you only went to the doctor if something fell off that shouldn't have. Ahh, the life of the uninsured...

Shade and Sweetwater,
K (uninsured and not likely to change that any time soon)

[Daryl]

Sounds reasonable. But are you sure there are no death panels?

[noe noe girl]

If you run for office you'll get my vote!
<><

[Kathi D]

I am going to have to pay up because there is no way I will live without bacon.

[Mental P Mama]

Okay. You win. Are you coming to Oysterfest? I'll pay;)

[Cactus Petunia]

Yeee Ha!
Foolery for President!

[Jason]

LOVE it!! You've got my support on this issue. Especially the part about Oprah paying.

[Meg]

I like the last one best... and would also endorse no limits on corrective foot surgery. Or full foot transplants. Because I got totally jobbed in the foot department.

[Marlene]

You definitely got my vote!! This is a big improvement over what the powers that be have proposed.

[Rick's Cafe]

must be glitch in my software. I'm only getting pictures for the 1st 3 bullet points....:)