Practicing My Acceptance Speech

 

(Photo stolen from these guys)

I'm going to tell you something I haven't told you before.

I am an independent consultant for Mary Kay Skin Care. Technically, I suppose, it's Mary Kay Cosmetics, or maybe Mary Kay, Inc., but I prefer to say Mary Kay Skin Care. It's my blog.

There, now I've told you. And NO, I don't drive a pink Cadillac (though I know someone who does) because GAHHH you have to be reeeeally reeeeally . . . a lot of things that I'm not -- yet -- to drive a pink Cadillac.

And NO, I don't wear pink all the time and YES, I rebel against panty hose because? When the President of the United States gets MORE respect for wearing panty hose in August than when he went without in July, I'll buy a whole truckload of L'Eggs. Which is about how many I'll need, for the week.

Also, when it cools off I won't be such a panty hose rebel, but I have actually passed out from overheating before and I refuse to do that again. This time in a dress. And heels.

But that's not what I came here to tell you today. I told you all that so I could tell you THIS:

I had a pretty close call a few weeks ago, while driving home from my Friday night Mary Kay skin care class. Zipping along East Avenue doing about 45mph in the left lane, I was suddenly faced with a 70s model Ford pickup veering wildly from his lane and headed straight for me. Our closing speed would surely have been over 100mph. Don't ask me how I know it was a 70s model Ford; some people see angels and white lights? I see unimportant details.

I drive by that spot twice a day, five times a week, and I can still see the skid marks where his tires left the street and climbed the curb onto the median, wrecking a sign and probably taking out some landscaping. He managed to correct his truck a second before he would have plowed into me, and then it was all over, just like that. I had two or three cars behind me, no place to pull over for a block or so, and nothing to pull over for -- he was gone like nothing happened. Pretty much, nothing DID happen.

But what if it had?

Okay, I told you all of that so I could tell you THIS:

Thursday night we had the Mary Kay equivalent of a knighthood ceremony: one of the young women in our area, Alicia, achieved director status. We had an event to honor her, in a rented hall, and it was very nice. Hot, but nice. Alicia gave a talk, as you would expect, and she was very energetic and extremely funny. But it was hot and humid in there and I got pretty loopy -- remember I told you about heat and me? -- and I started daydreaming during the ceremony. No breakfast, no dinner and a sluggish swamp cooler, and my listening powers go completely kaput. I daydreamed that I was up in front of 50-60 people, telling them my Mary Kay story. I dreamed I reached deep into my heart and found the moment when I knew I was bound to be a Mary Kay success -- a Cadillac-driving, panty-hose-wearing, Mary Kay director.

That moment came just before the averted impact, just before the 70s Ford pickup got control and saved us both.

Was I thinking, "My children! I want to see my children grow up!" Well, was I?

No.

Was I thinking, "How could this happen when I have so much left to do with my life?"

No.

I was thinking, "NOT IN THIS STUPID BEATER CAR! I WANT TO DIE IN MY MARY KAY CAR!!"

(Photo stolen from these guys)

Comments

[Air Jordans]

Beautiful post. How can we say that feminism has done its work until each of us can walk on the street alone without fear, annoyance, or embarassment?

[Mantel Man]

Y'know, Cadillac makes a pickup version of the Escalade for you rural folks. It can be lifted with big ol' tires, and the pink color would be set off nicely by the light green shade and subtle texture of a load of alfalfa hay in the back.

[BOSSY]

"Not in this car you don't!" -- that should be in the driver's manual on Safety.

[noe noe girl]

I can see you driving that car to the next blogfest.
<><

[The Glamorous Life Association]

I am very proud of you for publically admitting this. Once you admit you sell Mary Kay you will learn to acheive self acceptance in all areas of your life...

:)

side note: I was hired to make a FB, Twitter accounts and make a logo/avatar for a Mary Kay consultant this week. And guess what she drove up in??? I had the giggles thru the entire first meeting...just makes me LAUGH. Hey maybe I should get one too!

[Kate]

That's hilarious. This is a great story.

And I'm glad nothing did happen on the road that night . . .

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

I wanted to die after being reminded of L'Eggs, which I used to buy in bulk back in the '90's which was the last time I wore a business suit to work, and also the last time I recall wearing panty hose. JUST SAY NO TO HOSE!
(Also to dying, and especially to dying in a pink cadillac.)

The only acceptance speech you need to be preparing is the one for the Oscar you'll win for the BLog Fest movie (casting, writing, directing and producing). Then you can buy your own pink Cadillac dealership and throw your L'eggs at Mary Kay.

[Kathi D]

I will upgrade your coffee can to my special Smart and Final urn.

You're welcome!

[Cactus Petunia]

Wow. They still make L'Eggs?

And will we have to call you "Your Excellency" when you get that directorship?

(Curtsies backward out of comments section)

[foolery]

Bob, that was priceless. Thank you for a good hearty laugh first thing in the morning. And there's a joke in there somewhere, but, like you, I'll demur.

Daryl, I will wear them, but not often, and mostly with a suit skirt. And I've never actually WANTED a pink Cadillac, but earning one that I don't pay for is sounding mighty good!

Kyddryn, there will be no tomb. I'm picturing a coffee can left out in the wind to scatter Foolery far and wide. ; ) And I'm with ya on the girly stuff -- I have never worn much, and had to get back on that horse. But I'm actually liking what I see in the mirror. : )

Thanks youse guys -- love to have you come by!

-- Laurie

[Kyddryn]

One benefit to having a fifty-acre ass? No panty hose...they don't fit. None of 'em. Yay!

I wouldn't know about flights of fancy...

Please don't get killed in a horrible accident - I would feel really awkward attending a funeral for someone whom I've never met, trying to explain myself to your grieving family, prostrating myself on the ground before your tomb (I'm guessing white marble with climbing roses, an ever-burning flame, and some version of the Royal Guard out front) crying "Why, Gods, why???" So...yeah...

If your end is to come in a Mary Kay car...I hope you perpetually fall a dollar short of the mark.

Otherwise - good luck to ya. I'd help out, but I don't wear makeup, use moisturizer, wear perfume, or anything else remotely feminine. I'm one step shy of grunting and grabbing my privates, I tell ya.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

[Daryl]

I am glad you have eschewed panty hose, me,I havent worn them in years .. really ..no panty hose EVER .. oh and I am glad you are holding out to pass through the Pearly Gates in a hot pink Caddy!

[Bob Cleveland]

I wish for you your wish. The one involving those hosiery items (I cannot bring myself to use that word around females of the opposite gender (I don't use THAT word, either)).

I have a lot of hang-ups.

And I'll save you the gas money .. Peg doesn't use makeup so there's no need to drive to Pelham. Besides, what little foundation and eye shadow I use wouldn't be worth the trip.