You Can Read This Or Have Nookie BUT NOT BOTH

This letter from my brother Mantel Man was in my inbox this morning. Mantel Man can make me laugh before 7:00 a.m., loud enough to wake up the whole family, which he did, and I did, and they did . . . and now I'm gonna let him make you laugh. Because I think you will. Just don't go furniture shopping with the man.

*     *     *     *     *

Okay, so I’m looking for a couple of second-hand furniture items on the Craig’s List web site, where people can upload their own ads and sell items for free.  I didn’t check the “services” section, but if there was an ad there for spelling and grammar instruction, I doubt it had any takers.

I had no idea there was so much entertainment in reading the headlines for these ads!  Most were silly due to misspellings, but a few were from mere word choice – such as “Black Stools.”  ‘Nuff said?  These would go great with the “Spanish wrought iron cabinet with designer bowel.”

Some items seemed to be advertised in the wrong section, such as “White Flowered Drawers.”  Who would want to buy such things used, anyway?

How about this:  “Slight Damage - $125.”  This one clearly belongs under “services.”  I wonder how much they would want for serious damage.

Not to be outdone by the Spanish cabinet, someone offered a “Brown Micro-fibre Swede Sofa.”  Another abomination from Ikea, no doubt.

(Original photo stolen from these probable non-Swedes)

Some of these sellers are more cultured than I thought: “Brass Handel Door Knobs.”  I’ve been looking for a set of those for years!  I wonder if he’d part with his Wing-Bach Chair, too.  Might as well collect the complete set.

(Photo stolen from these people of culture)

“Tables, Tables, and More Tables . . . or Desks.”  Well, which is it?  Make up your mind!  Perhaps this was the same seller who offered “Occassional Tables” – which “occasionally” turn into desks, apparently. 

The trouble with wrought iron is that it’s hard to spell if you don’t know what you’re saying.  I saw “Rod Iron” and the intriguing-sounding “Rot Iron,” but my favorite item was “’Faux’ Wrong Iron / Glass Table.”  Can you believe it?  He handled faux but he spelled “wrought” . . . wrong.

Let’s skip over “Lather Wrap Bar Stools” and “Descent and Pretty Comfortable” and get to the biggie:

Dinning.

You would not believe how many “dinning tables” I saw advertised.  I didn’t even know “din” was a verb.  Do these tables have something to do with loud noise?  If I wanted that, I’d get the cabinet with designer bowel.

Finally, the subject of sex was bound to make an appearance.  One seller, frustrated at apparently having wasted time waiting for buyers who stood her up, didn’t even advertise an item but instead wrote an ad entitled, “What’s with the NO SHOWS?  (I could’ve been having nookie.)”  She mentioned sex-starved parents and laid a curse on the flaky respondents to her ad:  “I hope your doorbell rings whenever you’re having nookie and your mother calls when you’re taking a nap.”

Talk about sex-starved!  She clearly was not the same person who offered to sell my favorite item of all:  a “Bonk Bed.”

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

Hope things are making more sense where you are,

Mantel Man

Comments

[Maria]

One time I was doing a search for crepe paper on eBay and found one listing where the dealer spelled it as "crap paper." Ha ha ha.

[Cactus Petunia]

Hooo. Boy. My jaw hurts from laughing so hard. Clearly, your sense of humor is genetic.

[Meg]

Fantastic! Does Mantel Man have a blog? Because he should. I bet your family get-togethers are a stitch!

[Mantel Man]

Well! Glad everyone enjoyed reading the story. I laughed my hiney off while writing it. Thanks to Foolery for dressing it up so cleverly with the photos.

By the way, for those of you who are morning people, I just saw an ad for a "breakfast knock table."

It looked sturdy.

[Da Goddess]

Good thing I triple checked my ad before posting.

Now, if anyone's interested in a "missionary style dinning table with tresses in okay finnish, sex chairs, extra leafes, and table clothes..."

I really love Craigslist sometimes. But Mantel Man, he sounds fantastic always.

[Audrey]

OMG I soooo needed this laugh. Seriously, it couldn't have come at a better time. Big thanks to MM from the inmates up here at the asylum!

[Jason]

OH, these were good. Just this week my ex wife was sharing a blog called "You Suck at Craigslist," and it made me feel like our education system is failing us.

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

I love Mantel Man.

What's the 800 number for that bonk bed? I assume they deliver.

[foolery]

Marlene -- he had that same effect on me! My brother usually makes me laugh. We got to see for a surprise visit last weekend -- YAY! -- but Arizona is TOO far away. Thanks for coming by!

MT, you could almost have planned that typo, couldn't you? Perfect. I hope someone saved a copy for Leno?

Hey Kyddryn! He's rather lovable, in a he's-my-brother sorta way. He's a talented writer, that's for sure. Glad you had a chuckle (I'll tell him).

Yeah, Kit, no nookie for me, either. I've read it MANY, MANY times as I prepped this post, so I may be outta luck for several years. Bummer. Good thing I'm a mother -- I'm used to it! : )

Hey Elaina! Mantel Man is WAY wittier than I am; I just try to keep up. And I'm so glad you didn't answer Creepy Guy's reply, shudder.

We all need a bonk bed, Kate. Mine just needs to be bigger than standard. : )

Halloween is BIG out here, Daryl -- and almost anything goes. Maybe not ANYTHING . . . but I've seen some pretty wild adult costumes around here.

Marcy, if you and Mantel Man married you'd kill each other laughing in a week, maybe less. Too much comedy! Not safe. ; )

BHE, you kill me. That was beautiful.

Me, too, Noe Noe -- thanks for coming around!

Big fat sloppy loves to you all, and thanks for reading. I'll send Mantel Man by to read his fan mail.

-- Laurie

[noe noe girl]

LMAO- thanks I needed that!

[big hair envy]

Do those Bonk Beds come with a money back guarantee if you are not completely...satisfied??

[The Glamorous Life Association]

That's it.
I am leaving The Husband.
I shall marry Mantle Man and I will live the rest of my days laughing my a** off...in my flowered drawers.

:)

[Daryl]

I laughed hard .. but I am fixated on HalloweenAdventure.com as listed on the frilly pantalette shot ... now THAT truly made me snort

[Kate]

I need a bonk bed. And a pair of flowered drawers, too. They're not just for Halloween, you know.

[Elaina]

Bonk bed! Designer bowels! Your brother is funny which is not surprising since you are too.

I advertised on Craigslist in NC to see if I could get some help with getting heavy furniture to my storage facility. I had a really nice Marine reply for he & his teenage son and we arranged for them to come help me out.

I forgot about the ad and got a reply from a very creepy person who wanted to know if payment would come in other forms besides cash. Apparently he must have confused me the person who had the bonk bed.

No...I did not reply. The Marine & his son were super nice by the way and hard workers. But hmm...sometimes I wonder about that Craigslist...

[Kit]

Shoot, I read it, I guess no nookie for me. . . but it was damn entertaining!!

When I had kids, my mild-mannered dining table morphed into a dinning table.

[Kyddryn]

Mizz Foolery, I...I...I think I may love your brother. I haven't laughed so hard in a very long time. Thanks...

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

[MommyTime]

My mother once put in an add to sell our small sailboat. When we got a copy of the paper, they had correctly inserted the part about the trailer that the boat rested upon, but added that the ensemble came "with wench included." I'm not sure which of us (me or my two sisters) the editor was trying to get out of the deal, but my mother was mortified at the typo over "winch."

[Marlene]

I have to compose my self for a second so I can comment....okay, there...that's better.

I just laughed my ass of for at least 10 minutes.

Dude...funniest stuff I have read in a LONG time.