This letter from my brother Mantel Man
was in my inbox this morning. Mantel Man can make me laugh before 7:00
a.m., loud enough to wake up the whole family, which he did, and I did,
and they did . . . and now I'm gonna let him make you laugh. Because I think you will. Just don't go furniture shopping with the man.
* * * * *
Okay, so I’m looking for a couple of second-hand furniture items on the Craig’s List web site, where people can upload their own ads and sell items for free. I didn’t check the “services” section, but if there was an ad there for spelling and grammar instruction, I doubt it had any takers.
I had no idea there was so much entertainment in reading the headlines for these ads! Most were silly due to misspellings, but a few were from mere word choice – such as “Black Stools.” ‘Nuff said? These would go great with the “Spanish wrought iron cabinet with designer bowel.”
Some items seemed to be advertised in the wrong section, such as “White Flowered Drawers.” Who would want to buy such things used, anyway?
How about this: “Slight Damage - $125.” This one clearly belongs under “services.” I wonder how much they would want for serious damage.
Not to be outdone by the Spanish cabinet, someone offered a “Brown Micro-fibre Swede Sofa.” Another abomination from Ikea, no doubt.
(Original photo stolen from these probable non-Swedes)
Some of these sellers are more cultured than I thought: “Brass Handel Door Knobs.” I’ve been looking for a set of those for years! I wonder if he’d part with his Wing-Bach Chair, too. Might as well collect the complete set.
(Photo stolen from these people of culture)
“Tables, Tables, and More Tables . . . or Desks.” Well, which is it? Make up your mind! Perhaps this was the same seller who offered “Occassional Tables” – which “occasionally” turn into desks, apparently.
The trouble with wrought iron is that it’s hard to spell if you don’t know what you’re saying. I saw “Rod Iron” and the intriguing-sounding “Rot Iron,” but my favorite item was “’Faux’ Wrong Iron / Glass Table.” Can you believe it? He handled faux but he spelled “wrought” . . . wrong.
Let’s skip over “Lather Wrap Bar Stools” and “Descent and
Pretty Comfortable” and get to the biggie:
You would not believe how many “dinning tables” I saw advertised. I didn’t even know “din” was a verb. Do these tables have something to do with loud noise? If I wanted that, I’d get the cabinet with designer bowel.
Finally, the subject of sex was bound to make an appearance. One seller, frustrated at apparently having wasted time waiting for buyers who stood her up, didn’t even advertise an item but instead wrote an ad entitled, “What’s with the NO SHOWS? (I could’ve been having nookie.)” She mentioned sex-starved parents and laid a curse on the flaky respondents to her ad: “I hope your doorbell rings whenever you’re having nookie and your mother calls when you’re taking a nap.”
Talk about sex-starved! She clearly was not the same person who offered to sell my favorite item of all: a “Bonk Bed.”
(Original photo stolen from these guys)
Hope things are making more sense where you are,