MOM: Hi, it's me. Um . . . we're gonna bring those chickens over to you, to put in your coop.
FOOLERY: Okay . . . so, in the morning.
MOM [PAUSE]: Right now.
FOOLERY: Right NOW?! It's after nine; it's DARK.
MOM: Well, that's why. Your dad can catch 'em in the dark.
FOOLERY: Oh. Okay. But is the coop even prepared for chickens?
MOM: Yes, he already went over to your yard and fussed with it. It's ready.
FOOLERY: Oh. Okay.
FOOLERY: Hi Gub . . . can't talk long; I've got chickens coming over.
GUBBY [LONG PAUSE]: I need a permanent microphone and video camera installed at your place . . . WHAT?!
FOOLERY: Mom just called, and they're bringing chickens over.
GUBBY, IN BETWEEN FITS OF HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER: In the dark?!
FOOLERY: That's what I said! Yes, in the dark, because they can easily catch the chickens when they're roosting. Oh -- they're coming. I see the garage light on. They must be loading up the Murano.
GUBBY: Well, your dad's dog Jim traveled in a Lincoln Towne Car -- the chickens must not rate, I guess.
FOOLERY: Yeah, they're forced to ride in a Nissan. Okay, they're almost here. I gotta go -- the Chicken Fairy just arrived.
FOOLERY: Hi, it's me. So we have chickens now.
FOOLERY: I dunno. It's Dad, of course. All I know is, on Sparky's birthday Dad announced that the six new baby chicks he got were for Sparky's birthday.
FOOLERY: Because she didn't have any, of course. In Dad's world a lack of chickens is a need for chickens. Never mind that HE doesn't have any chickens anymore. "But Dad," I said, "I don't have the chicken coop ready!" "Don't worry," he said, "They're not old enough yet. I'll keep them here, in the rabbit hutch," he said. That was two weeks ago. I guess they're old enough now. Look, I gotta go, but I'll keep you posted if there are any new chicken developments.
* * * * *
So we have six pullets (that's farm speak for underage hens) who are locked in for the summer, until they're big enough to be let out and not eaten by ravenous scavenging cats, owls, or rat terriers. This winter, eggs! Yippee! And half of the birds are aurecanas, which lay pastel-colored eggs.
Yes, these truly are the phone conversations of my life. If you have any questions as to why I am the way I am, please reread the above text. You must not have been paying good attention.
Any of y'all need any chickens? Dad can fire up the Nissan.