Crime Dramas a la Foolery

I found myself mindlessly surfing the TV last night, which I don't do a lot these days. Most of the time I'm much happier mindlessly surfing the internet, but since I still felt pretty lousy I wasn't able to concentrate enough for the computer, so there I sat in front of the TV.  I watched CNN for a while, then found something with Tony Shalhoub. I really like Tony Shalhoub, and the TV info thingy showed a movie name I'd ever heard of.  Good, at least it wasn't "Monk." I've never understood how "Monk" survives. The writing is ham-fisted, the guest actors are over-the-top, and the only thing interesting is . . . Tony Shalhoub.  I like Tony Shalhoub.

Uh-oh, the guide was wrong . . . it WAS "Monk." Sigh. Well, I had nothing better to do, and wasn't sleepy yet, so I watched it to see if my opinions were completely baseless, and . . . nope. Spot on.  Hello, 1988? Are you missing a TV show, maybe one that escaped from "Murder, She Wrote" or "Matlock" or that one with Dick Van Dyke? Because I think I found it, and it has imprisoned Tony Shalhoub. Poor Tony Shalhoub. I like Tony Shalhoub.

Is it just me, or are even the well-written, well-acted crime dramas so formulaic that it becomes funny?  I used to love "Law & Order" until I caught on to the formula.

The show opens with a crime scene. One or two of the detectives are on-scene, and they always say something pithy and oh-so-clever, like "That's the last trick SHE'LL ever turn," or "I guess the postman isn't the ONLY one who rings twice," or "Looks like 'death by Bunga-Bunga' isn't just a punchline." Then you have plenty of time to groan and go for a beer because there's a commercial break.

What happens next isn't terribly important, except that Rogue Cop and/or Rogue Prosecutor will Take A Stand, Dammit, even though everyone thinks he/she is bonkers (which is a legal term). At some point there will be a cops-and-lawyers meeting of the minds in a dingy, poorly-lit room full of the ensemble cast. This is the point at which the director sees his name in lights. "Think Broadway play, people! Don't sit still when you talk -- get up and walk to the other side of the room for no apparent reason when you deliver your line! Motion! Angles! I need more ACTION!" And they do, each cast member delivering a sour, world-weary, condescending line or phrase, his/her thought completed by the next terribly jaded cop or lawyer crossing the stage at a jaunty angle at precisely the right moment.

You might call it scene structuring or something, I don't know. Blocking? Whatever. Seems like hyper-choreography to me -- "JAZZ HANDZZZZZ!"

(Photo stolen from this guy)

While everything doesn't always wrap up neat and tidy, you definitely get at least one moral shoved down your throat. Probably more if everything didn't wrap up all neat and tidy.  To close, another pithy observation from one of the team members: "Guess she'll be sleepin' single in a double bed from now on," or "let's see how prison looks on him."

But what do I know? I'm a computer geek these days.  Doink doink.

Comments

[Martha]

See yah, that's why I stick to real crime. It's a lot less predictable and I haven't been caught out by that CSI guy yet.

[mommypie]

Death by Bunga Bunga?

That sounds painful, Cornholio.

[Da Goddess]

I have to disagree about Monk. But that's okay. I still love you.

[Bob Cleveland]

Yup .. a lot of crime shows really are.

[Cactus Petunia]

Dave looked over the newspaper at me this morning and commented: "Oh, boy- tonight we can watch "NCIS" and then "The Mentalist!" Woo Hoo. Thanks, but I think I'll stick with the old "Man from U.N.C.L.E." episodes I've been getting from Netflix...although, (a much older)David McCallum IS on NCIS.

[Caution Flag]

Please tell me how I've managed to miss your delicious blog until today? You are so right about the shows (and I know 'cause I watch them faithfully.) And you use vacuous in your description!! I've got to remember to stop by here tomorrow and then some.

[Gubby aka ijefff]

Good crime dramas:

Breaking Bad
The Sopranos
The Shield
Damages

All on cable. The networks have become good for sports, news and game shows.

Law & Order is soooooo 1990's

DOINK DOINK

[Rick's Cafe]

So agree, poor Tony.

Don't understand how Law & Order and all the variations (Special Unit, etc) can draw so many viewers that two and sometimes three stations will run these shows for 3+ hours each. Specially when there are so many decent shows out there like The Big Bang Theory....for example.

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

Bob Cleveland is to be congratulated on the proper use of the word "voila." There are many out there who would have said, Viola! Case solved.

Signed,
Sheriff, Voila/Viola Police

p.s. I hate all TV now. Nothing really excites me except for those Discovery shows about people with 400 kids,who can feed their families on $15.00 per week and make their own clothes and still smile incessantly like some crazed lunatic. It's a morbid curiosity, really.

Love,
Viola

[The Glamorous Life Association]

So my Jack thought it would be funny to record the 'doink doink' sound to his phone. which he did. And then would play it at (in) appropriate moments. Like when his dad was grilling his little brother about a lost sweatshirt. and poor little Tucker tells his dad "I don't know where it is"....and you guess it. Jack pushes the play button.."doink doink"....

VERY hard not to laugh.
VERY HARD.
:)

[Lynette]

Even though I don't usually watch crime dramas, now I'm going to have to, so I can see it for myself.

[MomZombie]

It does seem as though there are few quality offerings on the thousands, millions of channels. How can this be? What's the one where they dissect a crime scene and use a lot of special FX and graphics to help us understand? Oh, whatever it's called, it just gets on my nerves.

[Raz]

Is it a bad thing when I can identify with being too lazy to do nothing on the internet? Bodes well for my Easter holidays.

[Bob Cleveland]

Yeah they are SOOOO predictable. I just love it when, immediately after The Crime, the scene passingly features some Big Name Stollywood Harlet as a maid, or some WellKnownGuy selling hot dogs. You just KNOW they ain't just on there to do THAT, so.....VOILA'.... case solved.

[Musing]

You're so right! I'll never watch another crime show the same way ever again. LOL