Treating AIG Like the Rotten Child It Is

(Photo stolen from this site)

I'm certain I shouldn't be running the country.

That could be why no one has asked me to take over, but it's only a guess. Still, I have several ideas for how to handle the current banking crisis.

Let's look at the AIG debacle just revealed, shall we? That's a company getting a BUTTLOAD of money from the government, right? So what was revealed this weekend -- they're giving the very people in their company who worked in the problem part of the company (that would be the part who handled anything other than mops and toilet paper, presumably) BIG FAT RAISES!

Yes, you heard about this, right? Obama's ticked off. I'll just bet Mrs. Obama is steamed! I know I am.

Here's what they say about it, and please hear this in the voice of a six-year-old who doesn't want to go to bed:

". . . but we CA-A-AN'T just not give them their BO-O-O-ONUSES; they have CO-O-O-ONTRA-A-A-ACTS!"

Let's ask a few random United Auto Workers about honoring contracts, shall we? Hey boys, how're your pensions looking these days? Perhaps the AIG weenies would like to talk to some UAW folks to find out how best to break those contracts?

Oh, I see, so you've ALREADY given them their bonuses?  Please, feel free to choose one of these solutions, then.

• Employees may choose to receive their bonuses . . . or keep their jobs. Good luck out there on the job market when the name AIG shows up on your resume.

• Employees can have their bonuses in ten easy installments, which must be picked up at the local unemployment office. I predict gauntlets will form.

• Employee bonuses will take the form of AIG stock. Yeah, good luck with that.

• Employees eligible for bonuses will be made offers they can't refuse to opt out of -- willingly, of course.

• Names of employees receiving bonuses will be publicized.

• All AIG bonuses will be subtracted from all monies paid to AIG executives so the net loss to the taxpayers is zero.

I'm sure I could keep going, but I'd like to keep a few in reserve for when the administration calls to ask my advice.

Comments

[Suz Broughton]

seriously and why haven't they called. These are solid ideas. Maybe they should get them only after watching every last episode of Two and a half men and writing a zillion page paper on how incredibly funny Charlie Sheen is.
I thought, you know, since we are batting around ideas and everything...
Suz

[The Mom Bomb]

Oooh!This whole thing has me wishing I had paid better attention during my Contracts class in law school! But methinks a legal challenge is coming . . . and the worst part is, whatever the outcome, Joe Taxpayer takes it up the rear.

[Meg]

I heard some Detroit autoworkers interviewed on NPR about this very issue, and they were all, the government sent truckloads of cash to white collar Wall Street banks without blinking, so why do we have to beg for ours?

I feel the same way about the "contracts." Is there anything more CONTRACT-Y than the UAW union contract? I think not.

CBW, I would endorse YOU with your vast government HR experience for that AIG HR gig. I bet their benefit bills are a bitch to reconcile.

[Rick's Cafe]

The situation proves 2 points:

Government shouldn't be in the business of running a business. The actions taken in the last 5 months are painfully obvious they are clueless.

As immoral as paying these current bonuses is, it seems to have been forgotten that these are "the smartest people in the world" and are the very one's who've promised to lead us out of what was once only a recession, yet aren't smart enough to give away money. (the same who say were all going to die from global warming too!)

2. The problem of a single mom raising a son is that the boy grows up thinking like a woman. Where he assumes that everyone can, or ought to figure out what he's thinking and what he wants....and he shouldn't have to explain himself to anyone......just because.

For the final nail in my coffin posting on this site:
Exactly how moral is it to ALLOW someone with a quasi-high-school education to be convinced that they should be paid $50,000 a year before overtime to spin a nut on a bolt all while lining their own political pockets with mandatory 'dues'.

[imom]

I second sending the administration an email with all of your ideas!!

[Jeanette]

I tell you i feel about the same way,.... legal contracts!!! are they serious shouldn't the contracts have become Null and Void by now???!!!

I've vote for option 1 :)

[Mental P Mama]

The bonuses should be taxed at 100%. Listen, the Government, read WE, own 80% of this loser company. We decide who gets bonuses. And the bonus is performance-based. That means, they owe us, not the other way around. Gah.

[Busy Bee Suz]

It is crockery I tell YA!!!

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

Well, if they don't put you as head of the country, they should at least make you head of AIG or their Human Resources Department.

Then you can hire me to work for you and we can sit around all day long and laugh. I won't need a bonus, but I will require lots of free time and a steady paycheck for doing minimal work. (Wait a sec, I might already have that last part....)

[Cactus Petunia]

What? They haven't called yet? I suggest you send the administration an email.