Chicken in Training: Bringing Home the Blue Ribbon

I grew up on a dairy; that is well- (shorthand for "overly-") documented.  Dad loves cows, and continues to collect them.

My sister is a horse fanatic.

My brothers and I raised chickens.

With 70 acres of land, lots of barn and corral space, and a father extremely knowledgeable in all things bovine, not one of us ever raised a steer for 4-H or FFA (an activity which, let's face it, is really a license to print money come sale time) or any other market animal.  Why not?  Were we idiots?  Well, I'll come back to that question.

We didn't raise livestock because 4-H and FFA animals don't get to ride home in the truck with you after the fair.  No sirree; they go on to places like Bob's Big Boy, Kibbles & Bits and, heaven forbid, Taco Bell, to become Extreme Value Meals.

Poor Fluffy.

But chickens have a Get Out of Abattoir Free card.  They have return tickets from the fair.  So my brothers and I raised ornamental bantam (miniature) chickens, and gave them names like Cluck, Brewster, and Fluffy.  Poor Fluffy.  (Pet names have never been a LaGrone family strong suit.)

But do you know what it takes for Fluffy to bring home the blue ribbon?  Well, I'm gonna tell you.  As much as I remember, anyway.

First, the chicken must be healthy, and healthy looking.  No scaly leg (a condition I battle myself in these dry, dry months); you've got to grease up the chicken's legs.  (At least we didn't have to wax them.)  If I remember right we used Vaseline on their legs, combs, and wattles, which made them look plump, shiny and very rosy.

If you're gonna enter that bird in the fair you'll need to dust it regularly for mites and other nasty bugs.  My brother Mantel Man usually was in charge of dusting with Malathion, which is why he still walks funny to this day.

But you're not done.  Beaks must be kept trimmed, so we used nail clippers.  This is every bit as tricky as it sounds with a feisty bantie rooster, or even a hen.  So to calm the chicken you've got to cradle it on one hand, with the wings held down with your thumb and pinkie finger.  If you do this right, it's very easy to invert the chicken with one hand -- that is, hold it upside down -- while you trim its beak and talons (claws, fangs, nails -- whatever they're called).  This is apparently calming to a Bird of Very Little Brain, and it's fairly easy to groom them once they're calm.

And, for the pièce de résistance, you must bathe your chicken, especially if it's white.

I'm not kidding.

In the utility sink.  Yes, bathe.  Go on, you're wasting time.  Chop chop.

Have your sink full enough to partially submerge the chicken but not so full that you can't find Fluffy in the bubbles.  Water should be the same temperature you'd use for a baby.  A very gentle shampoo is best, but if your chicken is white, get a shampoo with bluing in it, like you might use on a drop-kick dog white poodle.

before



after

See what a difference PhotoShop bluing makes?  In theory?

The chicken may try to get away, so have the door closed.  But don't worry -- they can fly only a little bit.  Did I mention you should clip their wings first?  Oh, sorry.  You should have done that.

Rinsing the chicken may actually be more challenging than lathering it, but you'll get the hang of it.  Plus, that bird won't have much fight left after it's flown around the laundry room a few times and smacked the window.

Lightly towel dry the chicken.  You'll probably want to use the one-hand-upside-down method as described above.  Then get the blow drier from the -- what?  You didn't have your blow drier out and plugged in already?  Well, that was a mistake, because now you have to carry your wringing-wet bird through the house to your bathroom to retrieve the drier.  Please don't use the hot or high settings, or your

will get all

and you don't need that.  Gently blow dry your chicken.  It could help to have some soulless European house music thumping in the background.  I know that's how the big-time hair dressers do it.

Those are the basics for getting your chicken ready for the fair.  Next time, Judging Day Etiquette: How Not to Be a Backstage Mother.  Thank you for your time.  Also?  We are idiots, very likely.

Comments

[Mantel Man]

I may have been an idiot for raising, showing, and blow-drying chickens, but at least I can get their names right - it was PUFFY, you fool, not FLUFFY. Nobody names a chicken "Fluffy." Jeeeeeeeezzz...

Thanks for bringing back these fun memories. And I'm impressed that you remembered malathion.

[Bob Cleveland]

Yoo hoo ... MomBomb ... "penultimate" means "next-to-last" (whatever it was you thought was #1, please keep it to yourself)....

:)

[The Mom Bomb]

O.M.G. And I thought trimming our rabbit's claws was the penultimate in hard. I cannot imagine a beak.

I'm pretty sure that I have a wattle.

[Rick's Cafe]

Takes a couple days to get rid of that dirty chicken smell....not that I'm an expert:))

[Suz broughton]

Nobody likes a dirty chicken. Good job.

[The Glamorous Life]

Man you are a wealth of knowlege. The things I learn from you are priceless.

And also alarming. Y'all know my son is now in 4H and we will be caring for a frickin PIG soon. Do you suppose I am gonna have to BATHE that sucker? Will I have to slather it in vaseline too? Just the thought makes me cringe.

I am totally calling you down to come do it. Since you are all 'farm-y'. Of course you will probably wear heels.

[Kathi D]

I am printing this out so I can laminate it and hang it near the chicken coop.

I have black chickens, yellow chickens, red chickens, and black and white striped chickens. I need additional styling tips.

[Musing]

>>Gently blow dry your chicken.

Not really a sentence I ever expected to read!

[Mental P Mama]

How does a chicken get dirty in the first place?

[erin]

i don't know anyone who should live life without knowing this process. thank you for filling the void.
also, i actually like the "air-dried" chicken better. is that wrong?

[Rick's Cafe]

I ordered a "Jerk Chicken" from the menu the other day, it was nothing like what's served in Kingston.

Still brings a smile just thinking about it:)

[Ellie]

I've clearly been wasting my time serving beer and burgers. Chicken Styling sounds like the Career For Me!

[Melanie @ MelADramatic Mommy]

I was scrolling in my reder waiting for the live chicken to morph into a plate of fried chicken.

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

I'll take one blow-dried chicken (white meat and white fluffy feathers) and a large mashed potatoes with gravy, a large green beans, and a super large, sweetened iced tea.

Also, I have a coupon for a "buy one feathered chicken, get the other one plucked" free. How much do I owe?

Girl, this one is right up there with your Dad's cow round-up.

Hilarious.

[Bob Cleveland]

Incidentally, if you want to know why bluing makes stuff white, I have the scientific explanation.

[Bob Cleveland]

On the other hand, if you use the Belchfire Supreme Hair Dryer, and set it on high, you can both (a) remove all the feathers, and (b) cook the bird to a nice golden brown. Which we did with the pet chick we got the kids one Easter when they were little.

Doc Chicken.

He tried to get even by flocking us when we'd walk to the outhouse on my in-laws' farm, where we'd left him when he got too big for the cage we had left over when Peg accidentally snuffed the gerbil.

He was delicious. Doc, not the Lone Ranger (the gerbil).

ps: "Chop chop" describes what they do to chicken when you order Jerk Chicken at the Chelsea Jerk Centre in Kingston. Plop-er down on a board and let-er have it .. right before they wrap her up and hand her to you.