Stupid Human Tricks and the Stupid Human Who Misused Hers

I have a Stupid Human Trick I used to perform at parties.  Not several tricks; just one.  But in case you might think this might be bragging (AS IF), here is a partial list of my inabilities, to counter the effect:

• I have the vertical leap of a mud shark.

• I cannot confidently say or spell "sea anenome," and I am NOT looking that up.

• I learned to pronounce "anvil" from Bugs Bunny, and it makes Chas laugh, so I don't say it anymore.

Okay, that's enough of that.  I was reminded of this story today by a good friend who can't think when the cherry jar is open, shall we say.  This is for him.

When I was about 20, my childhood friend Cheryl had moved to San Francisco.  She lived in a wonderful old apartment near Golden Gate Park, with hardwood floors and fantastic natural light.  Cheryl decided to throw a party, so I drove down for the weekend.  I helped her get the food ready for the 40 or so people she had invited, and we were having the best time ever.  Neither of us drank much, so a little wine and we were rather tipsy as we prepped.

The Rolling Stones were blaring from the stereo when the doorbell rang.


(Logo stolen from this site)

"Harry!  You made it!" shrieked Cheryl as she greeted the first guest.  Harry was twice our age and had a perpetually sad expression.  He was embarrassed to be the first one to arrive, but we put him to work and gave him a drink and soon he was happy.  Happy with a sad expression.

When everything was finished, we looked around and realized that no one apart from Harry had yet arrived.  No matter; it was time for mixed drinks.  Of course, food would be necessary, so we got into some of the snacks -- but only some, since we would need lots of food when the hoards of villagers finally arrived.

Only they didn't arrive.  Harry was it.  Cheryl's boyfriend arrived, but beyond that the door didn't open again.

Time to get drunk.

I don't know whose idea the maraschino cherries were, but probably Cheryl's, because she always has enjoyed making me perform my Stupid Human Trick.  Since I am a one trick pony, you'd better keep a jar of cherries on hand if you want me to perform.

I started tying cherry stems with my tongue.  Cheryl was laughing, Harry was transfixed, and the boyfriend was probably too stoned to notice.  I think they started timing me.  I vaguely remember feeding cherries to Harry, when Cheryl took me aside to ask me what I had planned with Harry that night.  Apparently I was just shy of peeling grapes for him, so what were my intentions?

Huh?

"Harry?" I giggled.  "Harry's adorable, but he's like a hundred or something," I said, proving my youth an inexperience.

"Harry's 40," Cheryl said.

"Yeah, 'swhat I said," I slurred.  "I'm not doing anything with Harry -- are you crazy?" I scoffed.

"Well, Harry thinks you are," Cheryl warned.  "He's definitely into you."

"Oh, you must be joking," I said, dumbfounded.  "We're just having a good time, that's all."

"Laurie, you've been feeding him maraschino cherries and tying the stems with your tongue," Cheryl said, leaning on the "tongue" part.

Oh.

OH.

We went back to the living room, where I put the lid back onto the cherry jar.  Harry left soon thereafter.


(Photo stolen from these guys)

Comments

[Suz Broughton]

Great, great story. Oh, to be young again and turn guys on without even knowing it! Now it takes such an EFFORT!

[Bob Cleveland]

If you ever do that mud thing, I'm bringin' my portable bleachers and my ticket printer. I'd be able to retire.

Oh. Wait. I already AM.

So I might finally GET that Ferrari, then.

[Cactus Petunia]

I've heard of people who possess such superpowers...Mere mortals like me can only aspire to not falling down while walking and chewing gum.

[Beta Mom]

Oh, Beta Dad tied a cherry stem with his tongue when he and I first met. I had to marry him and bear his children. It's the law. Good thing we didn't meet first - that would've been awkward.

[Da Goddess]

I cannot tie a cherry stem with my tongue. Not that I've really tried. But I probably would have found something to do with Harry. Because that's where my secret talent lies. (Shhh)

[Charlie Hills]

Well, at least now we have an inkling of why Harry always looked sad.

[Jason]

You dirty little tramp.

Have you seen the Britney Spears Womanizer video? Did you teach Britney how to do that?

[Mental P Mama]

It's always fun until someone puts the lid on the cherry jar.

[Auds at Barking Mad]

"....put the lid back onto the cherry jar."

I am sooooo going to use THAT line, right there the next time I am tempted to tell the hubby I have a headache!

I've tried tying cherry stems with my tongue once. I ended up having to have the man at the next table over at Outback perform the Heimlich Manuever.

Moral of the story...make sure your hubby knows the Heilich Manuver, else you'll spend the evening trying to explain to the EMT's just what the hell you were doing.

[Rick's Cafe]

Foolery, are you going to let CBW talk to you like that? If I were you, I'd be putting my foot down and make her eat those words.....not that I'm trying to start anything mind you.

But if something were to happen...say something with mud... I'd bet Bob Cleveland would be there with camera at the ready!

(children could make some extra money selling 'mud pies' during the events)

[Meg]

.... I mean Legends, D'OH.

[Meg]

Is this one of them there "urban lengends"???

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

A woman who ties a cherry stem with her tongue and can mudwrestle another woman evidently is every man's dream - I've done an informal survey nationwide and have also had input from a few European countries.

Congratulations on mastering 50% of the Requirements to be Every Man's Dream!

(Unless of course you do mud wrestle......are you holding back?)

p.s. Note to Rick's Cafe: No, I an not challenging Foolery to a mud wrestling match, so move on to the next topic. :)

[MomZombie]

A former schoolmate of mine became quite famous for many things, including the ol' cherry stem tying trick. It was the first I'd heard of it, yet she claimed in interviews that "all the girls at my school could do it."
All but one, apparently.

[Kathi D]

I am aghast that you didn't have a date every night of your single life (and some of your married ones too).

Me, I can curl my tongue (try it, not everybody can) and I used to do an impression of Esther Williams that had them rolling in the aisles until nobody knew who that was any more.

[The Glamorous Life]

Such talent it baffles the mind.

[MommyTime]

I had a party like that once. Only there was no one to enliven the moods of the teeming hoards (of three people plus the two of us who lived there, and were sick of eating the cheese puff triangles I'd made because really five people cannot possibly consume 50 cheese puffs along with all that other food). I wish you'd come. We didn't invite Harry.

[Ellie]

I love Cheryl.

[tj]

...Hi Foolery! 'Bob Cleveland' is sayin' nothing?! Is it a holy day or somethin' today? lol... :o)

...Yeah, Harry must've been old if all it took for you to shut him down was putting the lid back on the cherry jar... ;o)

...Everyone, all together, A-NE-NO-ME. Now Miss Fool'ry if you can tie cherry stems with your tongue you can certainly roll that word off it too...lol

...Blessings... :o)

[Bob Cleveland]

Nope. Not me. I AIN'T gonna say it.

It would probably be the first comment here with CHAPTERS.

[Rick's Cafe]

One must never abuse their super powers! It's a gift that should never be abused.....well, maybe just a little. Like on special occasions such as days of the week that end in day :))

Signed,
Harry