Invasions Are Simpler to Plan Than Thanksgiving

We are gathering together -- all four siblings and the various children and grandparents and an uncle, from my side of the family -- for a major holiday, under one roof, for the first time EVER.  Next week.  In a rented cabin in Tahoe.  So the e-mails were flying today as we figure out who is bringing what.
 
My brother Bocci is a chef, and a master of food planning, prep and organization.  He's the one taking the bull by the horns.  You will be able to tell from his e-mails how commanding he is.  If he doesn't like your answer he just might make you cry (unless, of course, you're his big sister, and then you just write nasty things about him in your blog instead of crying).
 
I thought you might like to see what passes for communication in my family, so here are excerpts from the first round of e-mails.  There will probably be more, with accelerated levels of smartass and snarkiness, but this is only Round One.
 
Brother Bocci:  Hello All!  We're getting close to Thanksgiving, and I know there are a lot of questions.  I'm going to take the liberty of making some small assignments -- that will hopefully make everything easy for everyone.  If you disagree with the assignments, I'll be choosing where you sleep:
 

• ALL Parties - please bring two bottles of wine.  I should bring plenty of white, so red is great.  If you have a white or red you prefer, please don't be shy about bringing what you like, and we'll make sure that you get the lion's share!

(Photo stolen from this site)

• Beth - pumpkin pies.  Due to only one oven*, I won't be making them on Thursday.  Storebought pies are totally fine -- they actually do okay with pumpkin.  The Orlanders tell me that Costco makes a good pumpkin pie....  I also trust that you can bring some good coffee?  You're pretty swanky, so I think you'll do the best here.

Beth:  Swanky coffee and cheap pies - got it.  sniff.  2 bottles of wine somewhere in between?

Bocci:  What do you mean on the wine?  I'm bringing 12 bottles if you're concerned about volume.  With Dad there, I'd be concerned about volume.**

• Uncle - hors d'oeuvre stuff.  Cheese, meat, pate, crackers, nuts, etc.  Have a field day.  Remember you've got rednecks, so you might want some chips as well.

Uncle:  I'll bring saltines and cheese-whiz.  Anyone bringing jello?

(Photo stolen from this site)

• Laurie - first night's meal - lasagna!  Don't forget the no-cheese small one, too, plus some bread would be nice for carbo loading before bedtime.  You also are responsible for beer, as you live in Sierra Nevada territory, and not sure if we'll drink too much else.***  Anything special that your girls will want or need, in case they don't like my sloppy cooking.****

(Photo stolen from these guys)

• Mantel Man - bring dish gloves, as you're not getting off easy this time.  Also, your Baileys, Amaretto, and some of the more redneck snack stuff that you like.  Comics for my kids to read with you, and maybe some sugar of some sort.  Your tea as well.

 

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• Mom is bringing gin and tonic and limes (I'm starting to think we won't need to turn the heat on).  Also, one breakfast.  That should keep you busy.  3 loaves sliced sourdough and one white for sandwiches.  If you make sugar cookies, you'll score big.

(Photo stolen from this site)

• The wife and I should have the rest.  Still working on Saturday night dinner idea, but I'll handle the Thanksgiving dinner, plus Friday night.  Anything else we can think of we'll let you know, but shouldn't be much.  Anything you want to bring, please feel free.

Beth:  Will bring extra food b/c my boys generally require their own refrigerator to store a weekend worth of eating.  And six signed copies of "Audacity of Hope".

 

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Bocci:  Bring a few dozen hot dogs for the boys to go with their light beer (kidding).  This is a Democrat free zone.*****  But we do like fluff (and People magazine), so please feel free to bring your Obama propaganda.  "Wow, this book is so light!"

Beth:  Can someone send the address?

Bocci:  The address  -- Bakersfield.******  And no damn canned whipped topping chemical crap.  I will bring the real stuff.

         

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Mom:  Hey, chef.  How's about your mother making a big stew for Saturday night, bringing it frozen, and Schwann frozen herb biscuits and green salad? 

Bocci:  Go green salad!  Blue cheese and walnut and balsamic dressing for me, please!

Mom:  And a cake (sheet) big enough for all of us.

Bocci:  Stew would be nice -- but I was thinking of a braised beef the night prior.  I could skip and do prime rib, though.  No frozen biscuits though -- bring 'em and you're out of the family.  Sheet cake great, but not too much sheet in mine, please.

        

Mom:  P.S.  Will you allow******* Beth to bring whipped cream in a can?  If so, I will tell her when I send her the directions to the house, which I am hoping to receive soon from youse guys.

Bocci:  Canned whipped cream only for whipits...I knew that hideous question would come up.  I have the technology to whip my own.

(Photo stolen from these guys)

        

Beth:  Since I agreed to my assignment, can I have a queen bed with feather pillows, south-facing windows, radiant flooring, turkish cotton towels, jacuzzi tub, and fresh pajamas?  Can't wait to see y'all,

Swanky
Director of Swanky Eating
Trader Joe's Eatery
Overpriced Bay Area, California

Laurie:  You DO realize that this is all going into the blog, don't you?  No?  Tough sheet.

        

Bocci:  To be read by nerds with perpetually runny noses, living in their mom's basement.  I can handle that.********

(Photo stolen from her)

 
* ONLY one oven.  This is how my brother the chef thinks.
 
** This is a joke.  Dad hardly drinks at all.  The rest of us, however, pull his load for him.

*** Chas is figuring an ounce per person per minute per waking hour.  Plus a little extra.
 
**** As if.
 
***** We run the gamut in our family, from almost Communist to not-quite-John Birch Society.  We tease each other quite a bit and no one seems offended, so don't you be offended, okay?
 
****** No it isn't.  We're going to Tahoe.
 
******* Check out that word, "allow."  Cut it out, Mom -- he's gonna get a swelled head!  We shoud be snapping him with towels and playing Hide From Bocci like the old days.
 
******** Obviously, Bocci has not met my readers.  Both of your are lovely, and certainly NOT runny-nosed basement-dwellers.  Although I wonder a bit about Bob Cleveland . . .

Comments

[Mantel Man]

Notice how blissfully absent I was from all this back-and-forth nonsense?

I'm just gonna show up with comic books, Bailey's, and a turducken.

How much turd should I put in it?

[Cactus Petunia]

My sister's a chef. I feel your pain.

[Kathi D]

Im'a hafta kick that Bocki's ass.

Maaaaaaaaawwww! Bring me a kleenex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jennifer]

Bocci intimidates the stew out of me and I haven't even met him. Better do what he says!

And I think he must be a superb cook for you all to put up with the bossiness. Good food has a way of making folks agreeable and docile!

Thanks for the peek into your family life!

[Ellie]

My sister just emailed she's bringing 6 bottles of champagne. If we *each* bring 6 bottles, well, that's a party!

[The Mom Bomb]

Im hosting Thanksgiving and havent even thought about a menu yet. I need your brother to kick my ass into gear.

TAHOE!!!!! Im jealous.

[Fancy]

I was so excited when my entire fam got together for the first time in years for a mini-vacation in Maine. Now I remember why I used to hate holidays so much. They just cant be nice for even a couple of days! Very envious of you right now. Hope your holiday is wonderful. Now I need to go see if my mom can help me blow my nose...

[kd@abitsquirrelly]

If I bring a case of wine (red and white evenly) can I come? I would cook, but I suck at it and the chef wouldnt like my food.

[debbie]

This is great. Found you through G.I.R.L. Love it!

[Kyddryn]

Will you adopt me? I obviously belong to your family...smart-assery is one of my favorite sports!!

Tahoe looks lovely - I saw some photos in a home-building/decor magazine (shut up - I like to get ideas for my [probably wont ever get built] dream house), and it looks like the kind of place Id love - especially in Winter..

Meanwhile, I grok the disdain for canned whipped cream (I love making my own), but its difficult to tip homemade up and fill your mouth with the wonderful white stuff until it shoots out the corners...not that Ive ever done that or anything...

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

[ptooie]

lasagna, prime rib, plenty of alcohol, in TAHOE.... Can I be your long lost cousin or something??? Please???

[24Crayons]

Hey, does it count if my kid has a runny nose? Maybe it will make him feel less vulnerable if you can tell him he was sort of correct?

Can he come to my house next year? Crap, I only have ONE oven though...

[Sandi]

I wanna come! Your family sounds like a lot of fun..and sounds like good eatin to me!

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

How did he know I have a runny nose and live next door to my mother?

Hes got skillz.

Now, Im off to read War and Peace.

[Bob Cleveland]

Im gonna hunt youse guys down like the KGB, and show up for dinner. I just have to. My great passion in life is weirdos and goofballs, and I think Ive found the MOTHER LODE!

Or maybe the World Headquarters.

Itd be like Boot Camp, all over!

***sniff ... sniff*** (well it IS chilly in the basement...)