The Adventures of Nick Asshat: A Perfectly Good Word Forever Ruined

(Original photo stolen from garnetmaxine on Flickr)

I didn't hear Sarah Palin's speech tonight.

I didn't hear Joe Lieberman's speech today.

I DID follow people on Twitter who were updating me about the goings-on of the Republican National Convention throughout the day, and so I almost felt as if I were actually watching with a big tub of popcorn and a big jar of No-Doz.

But that's not what I came to tell you about (you suspected that, didn't you?).

I came to tell you about the one little clip of a speech that I DID hear, driving home from work, NPR blaring, trying to drown out the whining from the back seat.

I have no idea what man was speaking, and looking it up got me nowhere.  All I know for sure is that I heard him say, paraphrasing here (but not by much), "We need to be drilling."

BA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAA

Okay, obviously he was talking about drilling for oil and natural gas in untapped places like the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, but that's not what my brain heard. My brain heard Nick Asshat talking about drilling, in which the goal was never petroleum and the substrate was never mineral. No, to Nick Asshat, "drilling" meant -- means -- an activity so much more basic, and base, to the human experience. Yup, free love, extra-marital sex, raunchy frat boy behavior. PORKITUDE.

Say it like this, drunkenly:

"Ya GOTta drill."

Now loll your head like Stevie Wonder:

"Ya GOTta drill."

Good.

Now imagine Nick Asshat expounding on his sexual philosophy, in a bar, to his buddies.

"Ya GOTta drill. If I couldn't drill?  [swig] IIIIIIIIII'd drill."

Funny thing is? He makes it sound SO romantic, compared to . . . well, never mind.

Comments

[kathcom]

How did you let that guy get away?

[Kathi D]

I watched the speech for a while, and then my barf bag filled up and I had to go empty it, and by then I had lost the will to live.

[bejewell]

I could totally use a good drilling right now.

Wait - what?

[cow punk]

Did moose queen kick some jackass? i didn't hear it...frankly they all scare the bejesus outta me. She most of all...but dear Swams, I will not turn your blog into a soap box, that would be pure asshattery.

[Alias Liz Jones]

Dear Swams, I never really know what to expect from you. But it's always unexpected and quirkily funny. Is quirkily a word? anyhoo, as people say, I think you're quirky. Oh and Sarah kicked some butt as far as I could gather.
Your fan
Liz

[Mental P Mama]

Yeah, what CBW said. He's a real peach.

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

Porkitude from a Porkish Dude.

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I do so love hearing these stories and am so glad you didn't end up a Nick Lass-hat.