(Photo stolen from vailst on Flickr)
Dear Teeny-Tiny Ant Bastards Who Have Invaded My Home,
It's war. I have had it.
Tried to be nice, but you walked all over me. Tried to blow you away with light little puffs of breath in a gesture of "can't we all just get along" compromise? Well NO, apparently, we can NOT all just get along, and so it has come to this.
We have tried spraying you, and while that works for a while, it doesn't work for long. You seem to sense my inner pesticide-fearing, tree-hugging California Hippy (even when no one else I know does), and you come back bolder than ever when the fog clears.
Really, guys? In the freezer? You don't seem to mind the cold of the refrigerator, and so one of the last safe places to hide food from you was the freezer. My latest trip to the sugar canister, safely stowed among the meat and ice cubes in the freezer, yielded what looked like the ill-fated polar expedition of Robert Falcon Scott, only in ant dimensions. How the HELL did you guys get into the freezer, and then into the sugar canister?
It's bad enough that you vacation in my potted plants, freely roam the countertops as brazen as a hard-luck hussy, and have claimed the cupboards as your own, but your latest invasion was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back:
You got into my Mini Wheats.
A zip-locked bag, also rolled and clamped with a bag clip, and you got in. How the Holy Heck am I supposed to enjoy my Thursday night bachelorette dinner of steamed zucchini and Mini Wheats?
Well, you know what I'm gonna do, Ants? I'm going to EAT YOU. I don't care. You're pretty small, and those are MY Mini Wheats that I paid good money for and that keep things moving in the lower G.I. tract and also? I really love them. I am NOT throwing them out. Cereal is too fracking expensive. Get ready to be chewed to bits, Ants. I can take it -- can YOU? Every time I get that peppery, minty puff of flavor in my cereal, I'll know: another Ant has gone to The Big Sugar Canister in the Sky.
Bon apetit, little creepy guys!