Dear Teeny-Tiny Ant Bastards Who Have Invaded My Home

(Photo stolen from vailst on Flickr)

Dear Teeny-Tiny Ant Bastards Who Have Invaded My Home,

It's war.  I have had it.

Tried to be nice, but you walked all over me.  Tried to blow you away with light little puffs of breath in a gesture of "can't we all just get along" compromise?  Well NO, apparently, we can NOT all just get along, and so it has come to this.

It's ON.

We have tried spraying you, and while that works for a while, it doesn't work for long.  You seem to sense my inner pesticide-fearing, tree-hugging California Hippy (even when no one else I know does), and you come back bolder than ever when the fog clears.

Really, guys?  In the freezer?  You don't seem to mind the cold of the refrigerator, and so one of the last safe places to hide food from you was the freezer.  My latest trip to the sugar canister, safely stowed among the meat and ice cubes in the freezer, yielded what looked like the ill-fated polar expedition of Robert Falcon Scott, only in ant dimensions.  How the HELL did you guys get into the freezer, and then into the sugar canister?

It's bad enough that you vacation in my potted plants, freely roam the countertops as brazen as a hard-luck hussy, and have claimed the cupboards as your own, but your latest invasion was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back:

You got into my Mini Wheats.

A zip-locked bag, also rolled and clamped with a bag clip, and you got in.  How the Holy Heck am I supposed to enjoy my Thursday night bachelorette dinner of steamed zucchini and Mini Wheats?

Well, you know what I'm gonna do, Ants?  I'm going to EAT YOU.  I don't care.  You're pretty small, and those are MY Mini Wheats that I paid good money for and that keep things moving in the lower G.I. tract and also? I really love them.  I am NOT throwing them out.  Cereal is too fracking expensive.  Get ready to be chewed to bits, Ants.  I can take it -- can YOU?  Every time I get that peppery, minty puff of flavor in my cereal, I'll know: another Ant has gone to The Big Sugar Canister in the Sky.

Bon apetit, little creepy guys!

Laurie

Comments

[Sir Tannen Wamsley]

I also live here in Oregon, these ants are driving me nuts.

[Geech]

You eat steamed zucchini? That's totally sick. I can't believe you even told us that.

Oh lord, that's gross.

[Kathy_Likes_Pink]

I wonder if your ant infestation is related to any of my ant infestation?

Mine are all around the kitchen sink and counter around it. I windex the hell out of them when I see them. They die a toxic death and my counter and sink look shiny.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

Throw in the towel.

My son once had an ant farm. We had to mail away for ants, because apparently none of the 347 varieties thriving in and around our South Florida home were suitable to farm life. Or perhaps we were the unwitting subjects of a study called "Who is Stupid Enough to Pay Real Money for Mail Order Ants?"

The ants arrived in what appeared to be an airless tube that sat in a metal mailbox in full sun in July for most of the day.

You could have cooked an egg in there, but the ant casualty rate was about .02

[bighairenvy]

I've heard that chocolate covered ants are a delicacy in some countries. You won't even have to pay the shipping fees :)

[Cactus Petunia]

We're fighting the battle up here in rainy Oregon, too. We thought maybe they were seeking refuge from the rain, but maybe they just formed an ant caravan and came up from California to escape the smoke. Have you found a trail leading north?

My daughter swears by spraying the heck out of them with Windex. Gets the floors and kitchen counters clean at the same time!

[Cactus Petunia]

We're fighting the battle up here in rainy Oregon, too. We thought maybe they were seeking refuge from the rain, but maybe they just formed an ant caravan and came up from California to escape the smoke. Have you found a trail leading north?

My daughter swears by spraying the heck out of them with Windex. Gets the floors and kitchen counters clean at the same time!

[Grandma J]

No, you can't eat them! Someone will get wind of your merciless cannibalistic slaughter, and report you to the SPCA or FART (Free Ant Resistance Team) who will no doubt slap a heavy fine on you for upsetting the eco-balance of this endangered species.

[Auds]

OMG your commenters crack me up almost as much as your original post. lol @"if you can't beat them, eat them!"

Seriously though, being that I already tweeted you about the Terro and Splenda/Aspartame, I can think of nothing else aside from launching a trident in your house...but much like cockroaches, ants would probably survive that too!

[ok, where was I]

You do have it bad! More power to you, though, if you can eat them. I agree with the cereal--that's the last straw.

We had brown lady bugs and box elder bugs (don't know if you get those in CA) a few years ago so bad that I had to keep the vacuum out--as in middle of the floor and plugged in--in the kitchen so I could suck them up before, during, and immediately after I cooked. I'm sure we ended up eating some in the lasagna or something and I just didn't realize.

That was finally enough to get me to give up (also a pesticide fearing tree hugger here) and call terminex. We'll probably have three or four eyes later in life (and this fear was not alleviated recently when I discovered our terminex guy "no longer works for the company") but it is sooo worth it.

[Lynette]

Your ants are TOUGH. I know California ants are tough, but I didn't know they were antartica tough...

[Musing]

I feel your pain! We were invaded a couple of weeks ago.

So far, the little trap thingies have seemed to work the best.

[Alias Liz]

Oh Swams!! hahahaha. And I do emphasize the hahaha. That was too funny. I nearly strangled on my Maxwell House when you said that you were going to EAT THE ANTS. hahaha.
You're awesome
xo
Alias

[KD (A Bit Squirrelly)]

They don't like liquid dish soap. At all. I don't know why.

My dad ate ants once that got into his Soda one day. He said they are spicy.

Best of luck!

[24Crayons]

I have the FLYING ants. There are only a few left, but I am winning the war!!! Muwahhahahahaha!

[MommyTime]

I'm guessing they were making a little colony in your sugar canister BEFORE you put it into the freezer, and then like little tiny desperate victims on the Titanic, they climbed up out of the sugar to try to stay warm -- or something. Anyway, we had this problem.

After all else failed, our solution was big and mean. Well, small and soft-spoken, actually, but he carried a big stick. Labeled Orkin. He puffed poison into nests in the walls (really, I didn't want to know more than that) several times. Since then? bye bye varmints.

[Rick's Cafe]

Undoubtedly the fires have made the little imps more brazen than usual, which means you have only 2 choices.
1) You can run away to the Casba with me. or
2) Get out the chocolate. Both White and Milk chocolate make those little bugger taste pretty good!

I suppose you could turn draconian, forcing family to only eat at the kitchen table and clean everything several times a day so there is no reason for an ant to want to be in your house. But that's just obsessive.....or so I'm told.

[Meg]

Ew! I had no idea they would venture into the freezer. Them's some hardy-ass ants you got there.

[tj]

...Yeah, I'm with you on this one - if you can't beat 'em then eat 'em! lol... ;o)

...And I was wonderin', if an ant made it to your stomach alive and could manage to float on a piece of mini wheat, how long could it live? One of the many things I ponder. As well as, why do I need this much coffee?... ;o)

...Happy Friday!

...Blessings to ya...

[Hallie]

Run to Home Depot and buy this.

It will rock your world.

http://www.terro.com/

You can thank me with PRADA.

Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/