(Photo stolen from these guys)
Most of the Nick Asshat material I can't write about comes from Mr. Foolery, you know. There are some real gems, too. Maybe some day I'll figure out a way.
But I can tell you about Nick Asshat Dating Techniques. Most of these are from Mr. Foolery's own personal Nick Asshat archives, although I contributed a couple. Not that any of these worked on ME, you understand. Nick had ME at "one more round."
Nick would tell any girl any lie at all if he thought it would gain him some ground. Sometimes he would actually LOSE ground, I'm sure, but being an opportunist (a nice way of saying pathological liar, in this case), he worked on a hair-trigger reflex and he'd run with the lie.
Girl having car trouble?
Nick: "I'm a mechanic."
(Photo stolen from these guys)
Girl impressed by musicians?
Nick: "I'm an axe man [guitarist]. I was a member of [INSERT NAME OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA BEACH SCENE BAND FROM THE EARLY 80S HERE]."
(Photo stolen from this guy)
Girl profess an interest in art?
Nick: "I once sold one of my paintings to this rich guy for $3000." (That particular girl was Yours Truly, by the way, and the rich guy in question must have been Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder, because I have seen Nick Asshat's paintings, and, well, never mind.)
(Photo stolen from ginghisklown on Flickr)
Girl have a hangnail?
Nick: "I'm a manicurist." I kid you not. I just had this conversation with my husband:
ME: "He did not."
HUBBY: "He really did."
ME: "Well, what was his plan? How was he gonna help her hangnail?"
HUBBY: "I don't know if he was going to just give her advice, or pull out his cruddy old clippers and go to work on her nail."
(Photo stolen from these folks)
In any case, I don't think Nick ever thought any of it through -- he just ran with whatever bar lie came out of his mouth.
And if he didn't have an angle to work -- such as a career as a professional jockey or brain surgeon, perhaps -- he tried to be complimentary. "Nice . . . collar," he said to the lovely brunette wearing a choker necklace. "It's called a choker," she hissed. (Hey Nick, typically DOGS wear collars, but nice try.)
And if Nick didn't have a pick-up line? Well, he threw up on a female bartender once. Sort of an aborted hiccup or something, that turned into a major YING. "You just blew chunks on me!" she yelled at Nick as she wiped off her shirt in horror.
Needless to say, the boys did NOT get served at that bar that night.
(Photo stolen from this guy)
You'd better hope that there never becomes a Donkey Union because they would sue you for defamamtion of character with the references to the simian asshat. LOL
BTW Sierra Nevada is great, if you like green beer, not talkin bout the color mind you, so us coinasured drinkers of properly aged beverages will also poke a funny eye at you. ;)
Posted by: Anthony | January 21, 2008 at 01:29 PM
Aahh, "One more round." I think all of us girls have fallen for that one. And I believe I've also fallen for that blow-chunks-all-over-my-shirt approach too. So sexy!
Posted by: Sarah is Ok | January 21, 2008 at 11:13 AM
Hey, I can handle it (a TeaHass pic, not the Sierra Nevada, yuck).
Posted by: San AntonePoot | January 21, 2008 at 09:46 AM
You are safe, dear Poots, as Asshat is a Coors man. It was just too much to hope to find a donkey drinking Coors, I guess.
ALTHOUGH I have to say that, as a long-time Chicoan, a Chico State grad and a member of the Chico work force, I am a Sierra Nevada drinker, and we Sierra Nevada drinkers smirk at your Budweiser proclivities.
No pictures forthcoming; no one deserves that kind of eye trauma.
Posted by: Foolery | January 21, 2008 at 09:03 AM
Laurie, me dear.
Is the fact that yer ass up there is drinking a Bud some sort of ahhhhhh.... subliminal inferance or ahhhhhh.. subtle referance to a certian ahhhhh....Budwieser imbibing FingerPoot?
And speaking of asses, wheres my pic? I wanna see TeaHaas
Posted by: SnorphtWieser BudPoot | January 21, 2008 at 08:51 AM
I'm in awe of your relevant-donkey-image-gathering skills!
Posted by: The Mom Bomb | January 21, 2008 at 08:16 AM
I recognized Nick Asshat from the photo and had to comment. Nick Asshat has been here also before he moved your way. He used to drink Old Milwaukee though. He was, as they say, an asshat.
Love,
Your reading fan,
Ursula
Posted by: Ursula J. Haffenkaup und alles | January 21, 2008 at 07:49 AM
Wow, I didn't know they made guys like that in real life. I thought only tv writers could come up with a guy that bad. yikes
Posted by: Jessica Keith | January 21, 2008 at 06:08 AM
Yea, but was he any good in the rack?
Posted by: scuse me ma'am, but I work for Heidi Fliess | January 21, 2008 at 05:39 AM
ha!! ye haw!! ye haw!! ye haw!! ye haw!!
none of nick's behavior shocks me any more, but those pictures made me long for a box of depends.
love ya swams
Posted by: Cheryl McCoy | January 21, 2008 at 12:52 AM