Ever been asked what you might do if you could magically begin a new career from scratch? I’ve thought a lot about it. You need to take into consideration your interests, experience, strengths and weaknesses, learning curve, and willingness to put up with brand-new bullshit. I score pretty low on all of the above. Except the weaknesses one -- I rack up an impressive list there.
So I thought for all these years my answer would be “architect.” I was a graphic design student in college, and I was pretty good in math. Not brilliant, but pretty good. High end of the Orland curve, which maybe I shouldn’t mention to any potential new employer. So, architect, right? I have an uncle and a first cousin who are architects, so maybe it’s in my blood. My paternal grandfather was an engineer for the Federal Division of Highways (a federal precursor to California's Caltrans, before the whole leaning-on-the-shovels thing came into vogue). My dad designed all of his own barns . . . again, maybe not the thing to let slip out. But then this week I remembered, “Hey! You absolutely DETEST paperwork. Especially anything relating to government, business, or insurance. Not a lot of leeway there. Wake up, dummy!” Don’t be alarmed; I’m used to the way I talk to myself, it’s okay.
So I reviewed my past career choices, in reverse.
- Waitress: Not much paper work, some math, lots and lots and lots of bullshit. And I wasn’t very good.
- Graphic designer: I’m so over that. Blah, blah, blah -- Bauhaus to our house, less is more, more is more, blah blah blah. Oh, and also? I wasn’t very good.
- Store owner: Well, the hours stunk, but the money was terrible. And at least if I wasn’t very good, there weren’t very many customers around to notice.
- Retail sales clerk: Now THIS I was good at. And I liked it. So there must have been something wrong with it.
- Cashier in a restaurant: MORE MATH! Hooray! I was GREAT at it. But I had loftier plans, such as becoming a middle-aged waitress.
I could go on, but why? I’ve decided on my new Dream Career already. Ready for this?
Foley artist.
You know what that is, right? You don’t? Oh. Well, a foley artist is the person who enriches the audio tracks of a movie. Foley artists recreate the crunch-crunch-crunch of footsteps in snow, the slurps of swinish eaters, the delicate tinkles of jewelry as frosty leading ladies hand people their heads on platters, even the disgusting noises necessary to fancy-up a kissing scene. (I’m guessing for that you could use some of the same noises from the swinish eaters if you wanted to.)
What I Bring To The Table: I like to make noise. I’m good at it. I think I know a thing or two about disgusting sounds. I’m a superb mimic, as long as you want Dad’s friend Buck, a rollicking methane explosion, or perhaps both. If math were required, that would be a bonus.
I could be a foley artist. Is there much school involved? Because I just can’t go back to school. Blecchh. But I’m a hard worker, a quick study, and I know an architect. Please, just don’t ask me to bring you a half-caf something something mochachico. I’m so over the bullshit.
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